• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Care home problems for ex carers and relations

ASPIRE

Registered User
Jan 9, 2014
16
cambridge
When your loved one is placed in a care home you don,t have any idea what you could be having to deal with if the care is not right.

You don,t really know how to complain you talk to the manager and when that path is exhausted because nothing improves you complain in a more official way then you receive a letter from the care home putting the blame on you saying you are a trouble maker and abusive to their staff and what ever else they can come up with.
On receiving a second letter I was almost banned from seeing my wife.

From seeing my wife from when ever l wanted to 1 hour a week.

These letters are a way for the care homes to look good and the ex carers and relations are the ones at fault.
It seems that the care homes can do whatever they like. The relations and carers have no rights,
This is happening all over.
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
4,771
Salford
From seeing my wife from when ever l wanted to 1 hour a week.QUOTE]

Is that actually legal? At the risk of further escalating the broken relationship between you and the home I'd take that up with the CQC, I'd see it as a breech of her basis human right to a family life under article 8 of the Human Rights Act. She is no matter where she lives still entitled to a family life and limiting you to one hour a week:eek:
Just for reference you're not "an ex carer" as long as either of you is still alive, you're The Carer, the staff who work in the home may well be allowed to use the title, but you are and will always be "The Carer" it's a job for life.
I would suggest you get social services involved too and see if something can't be worked out, possibly even a move to somewhere new.
Good luck
K
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
2,992
West Hertfordshire
Sounds like a horrible situation.

Was it one thing that prompted them to do this, or a series of things?

Want to talk about it? Maybe we can offer suggestions as to how you could foster better relations with the manager

I am not aware its very common though
 

Wigan

Registered User
May 5, 2013
73
Care homes don't like families complaining or even asking too many questions. Our loved ones are under their care and we should leave them to it is the attitude I have witnessed. What they should understand is that whilst it is their paid job to look after our loved ones, they don't and can't possibly think as much of them as we do. How can they expect us not to say anything if we aren't happy about something and, leave them to it when we know nobody can look after our loved ones as well as we can if we could have all the help we needed at home.
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,239
Cotswolds
Care homes don't like families complaining or even asking too many questions. Our loved ones are under their care and we should leave them to it is the attitude I have witnessed. What they should understand is that whilst it is their paid job to look after our loved ones, they don't and can't possibly think as much of them as we do. How can they expect us not to say anything if we aren't happy about something and, leave them to it when we know nobody can look after our loved ones as well as we can if we could have all the help we needed at home.
I'm sorry you feel like this, Wigan......and am also sorry that my own experience is very similar to yours. I was trying to explain this exactly to the head of care only last week. When mum was in her own home, I worked in partnership with the care agency, cleaner, hairdresser, Age UK foot lady, and many others. I was pleased to do this, it was best for mum.

Now that mum is in an acceptably good Care home, I feel they have taken over, they almost own her. I have to fight for every bit of information and knowledge.
I don't think they mean badly,they just don't seem to have any idea of how to work collaboratively. We could benefit each other and mum so much more, by working together.

The last thing I want to do is complain, because I want mum's care to be a joint enterprise between us all. But their unwitting attitude will force me into it.

This is all so sad :(
 

fizzie

Registered User
Jul 20, 2011
2,730
You should never ever be stopped from seeing your wife in a care home as often as you want to and whatever time of day or night that you want to (as long as other residents are not being disturbed). Good care homes encourage relatives to be there whenever they want to, to stay for meals and they take the attitude that this is the home of the resident.

If you feel like sharing it would be good to know what you complained about - was it basic care? If social services are funding the place then I think you should phone social services and ask for the adult care safeguarding duty desk and tell them what is happening. If you are funding the place then I would look for somewhere else - in fact I think you should consider that anyway - you must be allowed and encouraged to spend all the time you want to with your wife xx
keep posting

you can complain to the cqc by email - make sure you head up the email with the name and address of the care home and tell them that you want a reply the email address is complaints@cqc.org.uk
 

Wigan

Registered User
May 5, 2013
73
I'm sorry you feel like this, Wigan......and am also sorry that my own experience is very similar to yours. I was trying to explain this exactly to the head of care only last week. When mum was in her own home, I worked in partnership with the care agency, cleaner, hairdresser, Age UK foot lady, and many others. I was pleased to do this, it was best for mum.

Now that mum is in an acceptably good Care home, I feel they have taken over, they almost own her. I have to fight for every bit of information and knowledge.
I don't think they mean badly,they just don't seem to have any idea of how to work collaboratively. We could benefit each other and mum so much more, by working together.

The last thing I want to do is complain, because I want mum's care to be a joint enterprise between us all. But their unwitting attitude will force me into it.

This is all so sad.

Yes, I agree with you 100%. I am still heavily involved in mum's care and I know it doesn't go down well. I am often chasing things up which should flow naturally but unfortunately doesn't always. I find communication is a big issue and if that improved then I may not have as much need to feel like I am constantly picking them up on things and our relationship would be better. It's not a big ask is it really and as you say, if we are allowed to be involved without feeling like we are interfering, then the benefits would be felt by all concerned. Good luck and don't hold back if you feel you need to raise your concerns, as naturally we want the best for our loved ones.
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
39,448
Is there a Dols in place for your wife? That's the only way I can see this being legal.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,906
London
I have no experience of this situation and therefore not much advice, however, I'd like to say just because the person you used to care for at home is now in a care home does NOT make you an ex carer - far from it. You still care and you should be allowed to be involved. If a care home tries to restrict your influence, stick two fingers up to them and place your loved one somewhere else.
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,239
Cotswolds
Thank you ASPIRE for starting this thread. I'm sorry you needed to do so, though. As others have said, you are still your wife's carer (not ex-carer), you are entitled to see her, and she is entitled to a family life.

If you can post again, I am sure you will get some excellent advice from the very knowledgeable people on here.

Good luck, I hope this situation can be resolved ASAP.

Lindy xx
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,239
Cotswolds
Yes, I agree with you 100%. I am still heavily involved in mum's care and I know it doesn't go down well. I am often chasing things up which should flow naturally but unfortunately doesn't always. I find communication is a big issue and if that improved then I may not have as much need to feel like I am constantly picking them up on things and our relationship would be better. It's not a big ask is it really and as you say, if we are allowed to be involved without feeling like we are interfering, then the benefits would be felt by all concerned. Good luck and don't hold back if you feel you need to raise your concerns, as naturally we want the best for our loved ones.
Ah Wigan, communication....that's a big one, isn't it? I couldn't agree more. I am constantly having to ask about things that could be mentioned personally to me, or emailed, or recorded in notes.......I hate feeling such a nag but I feel I have no alternative.

Good luck to you too :) xx
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
4,771
Salford
My wife's in a care home that is within the LA funding limit without a top up so it's far from the top of the range if cost is your criteria for quality and I think it's just fine.
I walked in today (I know the key numbers for all the doors, all visitors do) one of the carers said "Hi Kev, she's in the office I'm just making her a coffee, do you want one".
She's (I hate saying she but no names and all that) is sat in an office chair with her feet on a desk like she owned the place, there was a senior member of staff it there too trying to work on a computer but no issue with her being in there it's her home.
As soon as I got in someone tells me where she is, what she's been doing and her mood that day and I don't think it's coincidental that if something has happened within a few minutes of me arriving magically a senior member of staff appear to tell me about it, yesterday it was a fall other days it's just observations they've made and ask for my opinion as to whether it's something new or on going.
The CQC doesn't stand for Cost Quality Commission, it's not about cost (says a man who went shopping in Aldi today) I was more impressed when looking at a home the person showing me round would ignore me to go and help push someone up in a chair or find out what they were shouting out for.
I arrived at the same time as a man today who's wife came in earlier this week, I knew the codes and let him in, first thing he did was ask for a cup of tea and some biscuits for him and his wife, I on the other hand went to the kitchen with the carer and I made coffee and got my the biscuits for myself, we just smiled at each other about his imperious attitude, but I guess if he's paying the full rate he probably feels entitled.
The relationship with the care home and the staff is important, it's in some part what you make of it is my view for what it's worth.
K
 

Steve115

Registered User
May 17, 2016
99
Huntingdon area
I am sorry Aspire to read of your problems however I think that one point has been overlooked and that is that you are a Husband first and foremost and should be treated as such by the CH. You have been and still are the primary carer and deserve all the respect that goes with those roles. Don't let them forget that or the fact that they are being employed by you to nurse your wife; the source of any monies does not matter, as the husband of one of their patients they must respect you and your concerns at all times.

Time to move on I suspect.
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,239
Cotswolds
My wife's in a care home that is within the LA funding limit without a top up so it's far from the top of the range if cost is your criteria for quality and I think it's just fine.
I walked in today (I know the key numbers for all the doors, all visitors do) one of the carers said "Hi Kev, she's in the office I'm just making her a coffee, do you want one".
She's (I hate saying she but no names and all that) is sat in an office chair with her feet on a desk like she owned the place, there was a senior member of staff it there too trying to work on a computer but no issue with her being in there it's her home.
As soon as I got in someone tells me where she is, what she's been doing and her mood that day and I don't think it's coincidental that if something has happened within a few minutes of me arriving magically a senior member of staff appear to tell me about it, yesterday it was a fall other days it's just observations they've made and ask for my opinion as to whether it's something new or on going.
The CQC doesn't stand for Cost Quality Commission, it's not about cost (says a man who went shopping in Aldi today) I was more impressed when looking at a home the person showing me round would ignore me to go and help push someone up in a chair or find out what they were shouting out for.
I arrived at the same time as a man today who's wife came in earlier this week, I knew the codes and let him in, first thing he did was ask for a cup of tea and some biscuits for him and his wife, I on the other hand went to the kitchen with the carer and I made coffee and got my the biscuits for myself, we just smiled at each other about his imperious attitude, but I guess if he's paying the full rate he probably feels entitled.
The relationship with the care home and the staff is important, it's in some part what you make of it is my view for what it's worth.
K
Kevin, I agree with this and I worked very hard to develop just this kind of relationship for the fist six months mum was in the care home. And I did make my own cups of tea, until they moved the geyser, and being so small, I couldn't reach it! Now I never have anything.....not even a cup of water....

We were just about keeping in communication until I had my knee replacement and couldn't visit so often. Something changed over that time, not least the staffing levels. These days, I struggle to find anyone to ask or comment about anything, let alone them approaching me :(

Anyway got to get some rest now. All the best, you fellow night owl you x
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
4,771
Salford
Something changed over that time, not least the staffing levels. These days, I struggle to find anyone to ask or comment about anything, let alone them approaching me
Just on this bit, I've (personally) never seen much in the way of the "regular" visitor's being treated differently to than those who don't come so often.
That said all of the little events that happened a week ago are harder to remember than the day before so the staff might forget.
The staff are so careful about saying the right thing and what "you're to be told by a senior" that it's a joke. I know a woman was pushed over I saw it happen, her relative was told it "was a fall not witnessed by a member of staff" so what I saw wasn't "witnessed" so it can't be verified as I'm not the staff.
I think the basic problem is that a bad attitude spreads, but do I push it, maybe not.
K
 

Recent Threads

Members online

Forum statistics

Threads
113,556
Messages
1,662,174
Members
64,660
Latest member
Sarah jane Franklin