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Care home place available but.......

Emmcee

Registered User
Dec 28, 2015
117
0
My 89 year old mum, who has vascular dementia, has been on the cusp of managing at home versus being in need of residential care for 2 years now. She lives 1.5 hours away from me, I visit twice a week and either myself or my husband now remains at home to be available telephonically. We have tried carers four times now and it hasn't worked because they disrupt Mum's incredibly rigid/ fixed routine.
Today, I've been informed that, for the first time in over a year, a place has become available for my Mum, at the care home of choice - small, privately run residential home with excellent ratings only 3.5 miles away from where I live.
On one hand I am absolutely delighted but simply don't know how to address the issue with Mum. Having recently been treated for another rip roaring UTI she is currently on an "Up" phase - changing her own clothes, taking her medication, remaining hydrated etc. I know that this won't last for much longer before we have another crisis but it makes it more challenging when looking at residential care because, at the moment, she's so much less impaired and probably won't fall for one of the "loving lies".
I had originally planned on being honest and telling her that, as we had discussed, she was coming to stay closer to us so that I could see her every day and this was the lovely home that we had looked at and agreed upon before. Unfortunately, when I half broached the subject of residential care again last week, we had tears, tantrums, threats of suicide and she was so distressed that it was heartbreaking.
For those of you who have some experience in this, do you have any suggestions of how best to deal with it?
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
3,690
0
I didn't tell mum much, just that she was moving near me for a little while until a flat near my brother became available. Mum had already agreed to sell her flat and had seen a place near my brother that she liked. However by the time her flat sold my brother was seriously ill and the flat, which was an extra care one, wouldn't have been enough to meet her needs.
On the day I was very vague as to what was happening, just took her there. It didn't go well to say the least, but the home managed to settle her, by taking off their badges, cracking open the prosecco and behaving as though they were a hotel. It took a time, but mum did settle in the end.
I'd not say anything to your mother, just get it sorted and then on the day saying your going out for tea and cake or to see a friend or whatever excuse she will go with. Prime the home with what you've said and hopefully they'll welcome her in with said tea and cake. Then slip away and let her settle.
There will probably be ups and downs in the first few weeks, but it seems a wise thing to do before there is a crisis and your mum ends up in hospital or worse.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
3,079
0
Dorset
Have you checked that the Care Home can cope with worsening dementia symptoms? You really don’t want to move her then find you need to look for somewhere else.
 

Emmcee

Registered User
Dec 28, 2015
117
0
I didn't tell mum much, just that she was moving near me for a little while until a flat near my brother became available. Mum had already agreed to sell her flat and had seen a place near my brother that she liked. However by the time her flat sold my brother was seriously ill and the flat, which was an extra care one, wouldn't have been enough to meet her needs.
On the day I was very vague as to what was happening, just took her there. It didn't go well to say the least, but the home managed to settle her, by taking off their badges, cracking open the prosecco and behaving as though they were a hotel. It took a time, but mum did settle in the end.
I'd not say anything to your mother, just get it sorted and then on the day saying your going out for tea and cake or to see a friend or whatever excuse she will go with. Prime the home with what you've said and hopefully they'll welcome her in with said tea and cake. Then slip away and let her settle.
There will probably be ups and downs in the first few weeks, but it seems a wise thing to do before there is a crisis and your mum ends up in hospital or worse.
Thank you. I like the tea and cakes idea :)
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
155
0
I also didn’t tell my mum a thing… she wouldn’t have agreed and by this time she didn’t have a choice as money was running out for home care and I was at the end of my tether supporting that arrangement. I told her we were going for lunch. It was COVid times so I couldn’t go in with her. She was more advanced stage than your Mum though. Maybe ask the home what they recommend? Sorry no advice that’s helpful really but I do understand how heartbreaking it is. You want to go for that space, I was waiting ages for one to come up in my chosen care home.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,132
0
Essex
I didn't tell dad either but it helped when we did a couple of day visits to the home and respite care.

MaNaAk
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,132
0
Essex
A couple of tips though make sure that you take a few belongings to her room before she moves in arrange them to her perceived liking and also when she's in the home be prepared for the fact that you won't be able to say goodbye and perhaps wait until she's distracted. Love lies will come in handy.

MaNaAk
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,365
0
Kent
I told my husband it was a convalescent home on doctors orders to build up his strength.

If it has to be @Emmcee, it has to be. You know things won`t get any better, today is as good as it gets and however painful and upsetting please rely on the care home for support.
 

Emmcee

Registered User
Dec 28, 2015
117
0
I also didn’t tell my mum a thing… she wouldn’t have agreed and by this time she didn’t have a choice as money was running out for home care and I was at the end of my tether supporting that arrangement. I told her we were going for lunch. It was COVid times so I couldn’t go in with her. She was more advanced stage than your Mum though. Maybe ask the home what they recommend? Sorry no advice that’s helpful really but I do understand how heartbreaking it is. You want to go for that space, I was waiting ages for one to come up in my chosen care home.
Yeah, it is challenging especially because she's in-between infections and more lucid than normal. However, after having been on the waiting list for this particular home since May 2019, this is only the 2nd time a place has become available in the past 18 months. (She's always declined to visit). I do agree that I would be doing her a disservice to turn it down because we are basically lurching from one crisis to the next and they are becoming more frequent. It's something that we have spoken about at length but unfortunately she quickly forgets that she applied good reasoning during her more lucid days. I did wonder about reminding her how much I wanted her to live close to me and tell her that I'd found a local "hotel" that catered specifically for older people and thought we should go and have a wee look ......
 

Emmcee

Registered User
Dec 28, 2015
117
0
I told my husband it was a convalescent home on doctors orders to build up his strength.

If it has to be @Emmcee, it has to be. You know things won`t get any better, today is as good as it gets and however painful and upsetting please rely on the care home for support.
Thank you. I know you are right and despite having been preparing for this for a few years now, I guess it's a bit more difficult than I had anticipated.
 

Emmcee

Registered User
Dec 28, 2015
117
0
A couple of tips though make sure that you take a few belongings to her room before she moves in arrange them to her perceived liking and also when she's in the home be prepared for the fact that you won't be able to say goodbye and perhaps wait until she's distracted. Love lies will come in handy.

MaNaAk
Now the belongings seems to be a really good idea and not something I had even considered. Thank you. I'll maybe pick up a few bits 'n bobs when I go down on Thursday and may even start packing some clothes, so that everything is all ready for her when I go down to collect her/ bring her back up to the care home at the beginning of next week.
 

Emmcee

Registered User
Dec 28, 2015
117
0
I didn't tell dad either but it helped when we did a couple of day visits to the home and respite care.

MaNaAk
Yes, we visited one of the other homes that had initially been her first choice but she always declined to come to visit any homes closer to where I live ..... I suspect she thought that I'd leave her there!
 

Emmcee

Registered User
Dec 28, 2015
117
0
Have you checked that the Care Home can cope with worsening dementia symptoms? You really don’t want to move her then find you need to look for somewhere else.
Hi there, It's a very valid point. Yes, I am already familiar with this care home and over the years have been impressed at just how well they do manage any deterioration in function with their residents. As is the case with many small, residential homes, I suspect that they would probably have to draw the line at really challenging behaviour, but thankfully my Mum has never fallen into this category.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
5,132
0
Essex
Hi there, It's a very valid point. Yes, I am already familiar with this care home and over the years have been impressed at just how well they do manage any deterioration in function with their residents. As is the case with many small, residential homes, I suspect that they would probably have to draw the line at really challenging behaviour, but thankfully my Mum has never fallen into this category.
Dad had a female admirer within a few weeks of arriving at his old home.

MaNaAk
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
155
0
Yeah, it is challenging especially because she's in-between infections and more lucid than normal. However, after having been on the waiting list for this particular home since May 2019, this is only the 2nd time a place has become available in the past 18 months. (She's always declined to visit). I do agree that I would be doing her a disservice to turn it down because we are basically lurching from one crisis to the next and they are becoming more frequent. It's something that we have spoken about at length but unfortunately she quickly forgets that she applied good reasoning during her more lucid days. I did wonder about reminding her how much I wanted her to live close to me and tell her that I'd found a local "hotel" that catered specifically for older people and thought we should go and have a wee look ......
Yes it’s a really hard thing to have to do. I didn’t think I would be able to go through with it but I had 5 days on the run up to it caring for my mum full time as I had let the full time Carer go to another placement and I soon realised even if I gave up my job I wouldn’t be able to care for my mum. She was deteriorating fast, and she does need a team of experienced carers and nursing care.
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
40
0
Hi @Emmcee - my mum moved to a care home 3 weeks ago: she didn’t want to go but on the morning I just drove her there having put a suitcase of familiar stuff in my car. There’s no denying it’s an extremely hard thing to do to someone you love but I think we all know when the right time comes. And it sounds as if you have absolutely reached it. Three weeks on, it’s been tough (on me especially!) but NOT terrible and as time goes along I am increasingly reassured it was 100% the right thing to do. For instance I had convinced myself that I was overreacting, should carry on trying to prop everything up and continue with continual crisis management as before. However yesterday mum had her Dols assessment and the assessor said her dementia is so advanced that she’s absolutely in the right place. All the best with it - it does get easier!
 

Emmcee

Registered User
Dec 28, 2015
117
0
Hi @Emmcee - my mum moved to a care home 3 weeks ago: she didn’t want to go but on the morning I just drove her there having put a suitcase of familiar stuff in my car. There’s no denying it’s an extremely hard thing to do to someone you love but I think we all know when the right time comes. And it sounds as if you have absolutely reached it. Three weeks on, it’s been tough (on me especially!) but NOT terrible and as time goes along I am increasingly reassured it was 100% the right thing to do. For instance I had convinced myself that I was overreacting, should carry on trying to prop everything up and continue with continual crisis management as before. However yesterday mum had her Dols assessment and the assessor said her dementia is so advanced that she’s absolutely in the right place. All the best with it - it does get easier!
Thanks for this insight. I think, for me, it's getting my head to proceed in a logical manner when the emotions are a bit haywire because I'm obviously looking at worse case scenario. I'm going to pack as much as possible tomorrow and hope to goodness that all goes well on Monday. Fortunately for me I was able to activate the POA when my Mum was deemed to lack capacity 2 1/2 years ago but what's amazing is that because she still "talks the talk" , has no formal package of care and functions within an incredibly rigid and supportive routine, many people still consider her okay!
 

Emmcee

Registered User
Dec 28, 2015
117
0
Yes it’s a really hard thing to have to do. I didn’t think I would be able to go through with it but I had 5 days on the run up to it caring for my mum full time as I had let the full time Carer go to another placement and I soon realised even if I gave up my job I wouldn’t be able to care for my mum. She was deteriorating fast, and she does need a team of experienced carers and nursing care.
During those waking hours (during the night), I was actually swithering ....... until all heck broke loose this morning because of an unforeseen change in her routine :)
 

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