Hi Andrea - my mam lived alone in Newcastle and I live in London. She was diagnosed with mixed dementia about 2 years ago and was coping reasonably well. For many years she has resisted all my attempts to get her to move in down here with us. In late Feb - just before Lockdown she fell and badly bruised her face. I took the view that she would never survive Lockdown on her own so brought her back to London with me. Slightly short of kidnap lol.
During the next 4 months she fell at least a further 4 times (the last requiring 3 stitches in her forehead) and became increasingly confused after each incident. I am retired but have 3 children, the youngest of which is 3 years old. Mam had her own room in the ground floor and access to a toilet nearby. She constantly asked to go home and I used the Covid-19 issue as to why she could not return. It became increasingly obvious that (a) she could no longer live on her own and (b) she needed professional care and stimulus that we could not offer. She was adamant that she did not want to live in London so I began to research the care homes available over the Internet as all were in Lockdown and not admitting visitors.
I have to say that her local Social Workers (North Tyneside) were fantastic. They maintained regular contact with me and conducted an assessment of her mental capacity using Microsoft Teams. They were, understandably, unable to endorse any particular care home, but once I had chosen the one I believed best for mam, they liaised with them and made what was a potentially torturous experience as painless as possible.
The upshot of this was that mam went into the care home on 9 July. She has settled in quickly, albeit with a few initial moans and groans, made new friends and loves the food! She is surrounded by fantastic genuine carers who look like her and sound like her and they go the extra mile in making her feel as if she is in her own home.
On reflection, this has been one of the most difficult and most stressful things I have ever had to deal with. Thankfully, with the assistance of a brilliant Social Worker and Care Home staff things seem to have worked out better than I might have ever imagined.
When I was in a similar position to yourself and trying to decide whether or not the 'tipping point' had been reached regarding a care home, someone on this site suggested that it was more about what mam 'needed' rather than what she wanted. Thankfully I think we have reached a point where she is safe, content and much more relaxed.