My mum has moderate dementia. She lived with her partner until last week when he suffered a stroke, as mum was unable to get help we are not sure how long he had been left there and as a result had a major bleed on the brain and is currently in ICU.
Obviously looking after mum was testing for him, he was self employed and not doing much work as he had to nearby for mum. Unfortunately as he was worried his home would be taken from him to pay for care he didn't tell any of us how bad mum had got and got into quite a lot of debt unbeknown to us until now. He's doing well but will never be able to care for mum in the future.
Mum can't be alone at all so I have two options:
1. She goes into a home, i have no decent homes near me and will struggle to find one where I do not pay a top up. But it will allow me to work and take the stress away although I feel like I'm signing a death warrant as she will definitely decline, she has bad OCD and gets upset if her routine is out.
2. She moves in with me and my family. She will still suffer as her routing and surrounding will be different but I won't feel as bad about it. I can turn my dining room into a bedroom but we only have an upstairs bathroom so this will cause problems at a later date. I work so my mum would need to go to day centres each day, family have offered but previous experience shows they will let me down. They have already.
So basically I feel I should move her in with me because she nursed both my grandparents and gave up her job but she got benefits to help and could leave them in the house alone for an hour or so as they did not walk (I know this wouldn't be acceptable now, it was a long time ago) . Mum needs to be watched constantly and get upset regularly, she has been known to grab my 7 year old and shove her about when she can't find the right words and my husband is really worried about it. Also she would need to go into day centres each day.
It would kill me to put her in a home, financially and physically but I feel if she went into the home but it will be a hard day but once it would be done that would be it. I'm looking round some tomorrow but from what I've seen on the Internet that are all so dated and sad looking. I always promised I wouldn't put her in a home but sending her to a day centre every day seems worse. At least in a home she will have her own room and can sit alone if she wants and watch re-runs of soaps which makes her happy yet going to a day centre she will be forced to sit with people much older and advanced than her (she is only 68) and I worry she will resent me more because I will have to fight with her every day to get her to go and she will probably make life hell for me and my family when she gets back.
Writing this I think I've made my mind up but I just don't know if I can do it. Will she ever forgive me?
Obviously looking after mum was testing for him, he was self employed and not doing much work as he had to nearby for mum. Unfortunately as he was worried his home would be taken from him to pay for care he didn't tell any of us how bad mum had got and got into quite a lot of debt unbeknown to us until now. He's doing well but will never be able to care for mum in the future.
Mum can't be alone at all so I have two options:
1. She goes into a home, i have no decent homes near me and will struggle to find one where I do not pay a top up. But it will allow me to work and take the stress away although I feel like I'm signing a death warrant as she will definitely decline, she has bad OCD and gets upset if her routine is out.
2. She moves in with me and my family. She will still suffer as her routing and surrounding will be different but I won't feel as bad about it. I can turn my dining room into a bedroom but we only have an upstairs bathroom so this will cause problems at a later date. I work so my mum would need to go to day centres each day, family have offered but previous experience shows they will let me down. They have already.
So basically I feel I should move her in with me because she nursed both my grandparents and gave up her job but she got benefits to help and could leave them in the house alone for an hour or so as they did not walk (I know this wouldn't be acceptable now, it was a long time ago) . Mum needs to be watched constantly and get upset regularly, she has been known to grab my 7 year old and shove her about when she can't find the right words and my husband is really worried about it. Also she would need to go into day centres each day.
It would kill me to put her in a home, financially and physically but I feel if she went into the home but it will be a hard day but once it would be done that would be it. I'm looking round some tomorrow but from what I've seen on the Internet that are all so dated and sad looking. I always promised I wouldn't put her in a home but sending her to a day centre every day seems worse. At least in a home she will have her own room and can sit alone if she wants and watch re-runs of soaps which makes her happy yet going to a day centre she will be forced to sit with people much older and advanced than her (she is only 68) and I worry she will resent me more because I will have to fight with her every day to get her to go and she will probably make life hell for me and my family when she gets back.
Writing this I think I've made my mind up but I just don't know if I can do it. Will she ever forgive me?