Hi. Mum is 87 years old and lives alone. She has a carer go in once a day to give her a hot meal, cup of tea and leave her with a drink and cake for later. Mum cannot work the kettle, radio or tv. She is known to forget to put trousers on and stand outside on her balcony fortunately so far with a coat covering her up. On colder days she will go out without a coat ever when it was -1 degrees. Personal hygiene has gone out the window. We visit when we can but that would still be only 2 drinks a day. She will not eat or drink without it being put in front of her and encouraged to eat. She has started to wander and neighbours are starting to call us more often. We are just starting the Social Services route. What can we expect from their initial visits, say Mum refuses this help where do we stand. We have POAs in place but the health and safety one doesn't seem to allow us to make the decisions regarding where she lives. Do we have to wait for something serious to happen to her? She doesn't work the kettle now but it wasn't so long ago that she was putting milk in it to boil or boiling the kettles dry. Nobody wants to put a loved one in a care home but how can the situation she is in be right, she is lonely, depressed, is not recognising her surroundings anymore and sits there staring into space all day. She is 'fine' when we visit and we leave the radio and tv on but we know she switches it off after we leave. My stress levels are through the roof worrying about her. Growing up she always said to me 'please don't put me in a home' but I am thinking this is the best place for her.
Care home or constant worry 24/7
- Thread starter JEM90
- Start date
Your situation sounds very similar to ours. But in the end moms social worker stepped in. Please read my other posts as long story!! But basically, mysel, sister and social worker took my mom to a care home just to look that was the 7/2 and she is still there!! She never wanted to go in a home and she wanted us to promis she wouldn't end up there.but after falls etc it just wasn't safe. She is happy and so are we. There's no way we could Cope how things were. So good luck and ask social services and her doc for help. Xx
From all that you've written, it's clear that your mum would be better off in a good care home. I stress a good care home. If you are unlucky in your choice, there may still be a lot of worry involved. Try to visit a number of homes, ask as many questions as you can think of. If you can possibly get a recommendation from someone you trust that might be reassuring. Here's hoping that your mum will quickly settle in a good home. Good luck!
JEM90
You could have been writing about our situation with mum.
Mum had to go into emergency respite just over a week ago due to all the reasons you list.
I have to say, it wasn't an easy day, however, now when she's awake all night, the staff are there to care for her - she can't wander about and is taken to bed when she's ready, rather than slumping in a chair.
Mum is now eating, sleeping in a bed and the staff are keeping her clean !
Mum still says she wants to go home and we do have to distract her.
It's a terribly sad situation to be in and the guilt is awful BUT we know she's safe and cared for and this is now needed 24/7 something we couldn't do.
I'm sure all will work out for the best, take a deep breath and don't forget to think of yourself
Take care
Anne x
You could have been writing about our situation with mum.
Mum had to go into emergency respite just over a week ago due to all the reasons you list.
I have to say, it wasn't an easy day, however, now when she's awake all night, the staff are there to care for her - she can't wander about and is taken to bed when she's ready, rather than slumping in a chair.
Mum is now eating, sleeping in a bed and the staff are keeping her clean !
Mum still says she wants to go home and we do have to distract her.
It's a terribly sad situation to be in and the guilt is awful BUT we know she's safe and cared for and this is now needed 24/7 something we couldn't do.
I'm sure all will work out for the best, take a deep breath and don't forget to think of yourself
Take care
Anne x
hi JEM90
just to add - if it is now considered, especially by you as Attorney, that your mum no longer has the capacity to meaningfully make this decision for herself (she may say she wants to stay at home, doesn't want to move into a care home, but she may be wholly unable to understand the ramifications of what she is saying ie she is no longer able to safely look after herself and is therefore vulnerable and at risk, so her 'choice' is not reasoned through) then as Attorney for health & welfare you do have the duty/responsibility to decide where it is in her best interest to live
best wishes
just to add - if it is now considered, especially by you as Attorney, that your mum no longer has the capacity to meaningfully make this decision for herself (she may say she wants to stay at home, doesn't want to move into a care home, but she may be wholly unable to understand the ramifications of what she is saying ie she is no longer able to safely look after herself and is therefore vulnerable and at risk, so her 'choice' is not reasoned through) then as Attorney for health & welfare you do have the duty/responsibility to decide where it is in her best interest to live
best wishes
Did your mum understand what was going on. My mum was in hospital 18 months ago and by the end of the day she had forgotten why she had been in ambulance. They kept her in and that night the hospital rang to say mum was shouting and getting angry and she was threatening to call the police as she wanted to go home - obviously she didn't understand. I worry this will happen if she goes into a care home.
Your reply gave me hope and made me believe we are right in what we are doing but I worry that SS won't think she needs to go in a care home and we will be left to deal with the constant worry.
Your reply gave me hope and made me believe we are right in what we are doing but I worry that SS won't think she needs to go in a care home and we will be left to deal with the constant worry.
The staff in care homes are used to and have the training and experience to deal with this sort of initial behaviour so try not to worry on that score.
If your Mum is on medication already, it's possible she's not been taking it or it needs a review. In a CH the GP will be able to assess your Mum and any meds will be administered in a timely fashion, making sure that any anxiety is minimised. Not saying that residents are doped up by any means but reduction of anxiety or aggressive behaviours is good for all concerned.
After a while chances are your Mum will settle and enjoy the company, care, catering and activities.
No, she didn't and we weren't 100% honest either
Mum had an assessment at the memory clinic and the staff explained the need for us to find emergency respite
That morning she'd flooded the kitchen - again - and we used this as a reason for her to move out while we got work done.
She sort of accepted this until the 2nd day when the doctor came to assess her and put in place a " deprivation of liberty " (DoL's) order, by law, the doctor has to tell the patient they're no longer able to live at home !
This has really rocked the boat, she's not at all happy ..... BUT we know she's cared for and is no longer a risk to herself, also, no more midnight phone calls from the police as she's gone wandering.
As I say, it's the toughest decision ever, but the right one.
Take care
Anne
Not heard of a resident having to be told about a DoLS order before nor of a doctor putting the order in place.
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Sorry, I didn't make myself clear. I know a something about DoLS. My wife has one even though she is immobile so it's a bit academic. We weren't asked to sign anything. No doctor was involved. I only got to hear about it when the assessor, who has certain responsibilities in the process, contacted me to seek my views, i.e. after the order had been put in place. It has never been mentioned to my wife and she wouldn't understand if it had been. So neither of us were consulted or asked to sign anything before it was put in place.
Been reading through this and am so sorry you've had so much worry.
Hospital staff are fantastic, but I think not quite as knowledgeable as to overcoming a distressed person with this dreadful illness, while trying to keep things safe for all their other patients. Looking after multi-bay wards is hard work in its own right, and very different to caring for someone with dementia.
Our care home had a floor dedicated to dementia sufferers and they were able to handle my husband's aggression beautifully. I got all the calls from them when he'd hit someone, but they used their Safeguarding powers to bring everything to a satisfactory conclusion. I was having kittens over his behaviour for ages, until the good people at the home finally convinced me they could handle hubby's frustration.
Care home staff see all this stuff daily. Unlike hospital staff who, although they may see some of it, don't have as much ability perhaps to deal with all the variations dementia presents. A smaller facility dedicated to our loved ones' needs cope better, and they have everything to hand, medically and legally if they should so need it.
hi
your mum will be cared for 24/7 by staff that are supposed to be awake in the middle of the night,and not expect to then cope during the day as well.
social services need to assess you mum and work out what help and support she needs.
before mum went into a ch-and dad was at home supposedly "helping"
her carers- we had neighbours finding her a long way from home confused and taking her back/ being found out at 3am in nightie/getting lost at the bottom of the road.
she also poured a kettle of hot water down herself as couldn't remember how to pour it in the teapot.
she still doesnt accept being in care-she has DOLS in place_ and regularly "packs" to go home and sits in the reception area. the staff know how to deal with the behaviour,and she can normally be encouraged back into the lounge etc at next drink or meal time.
maybe ,like some others have written happened with their loved ones, a respite bed could be found whilst the next step is investigated. if you are not having to do all the caring you wont be so exhausted,and will be better able to deal with the mine field of funding/visiting homes etc.
hope you get the right outcome for you and mum
ros
your mum will be cared for 24/7 by staff that are supposed to be awake in the middle of the night,and not expect to then cope during the day as well.
social services need to assess you mum and work out what help and support she needs.
before mum went into a ch-and dad was at home supposedly "helping"
her carers- we had neighbours finding her a long way from home confused and taking her back/ being found out at 3am in nightie/getting lost at the bottom of the road.
she also poured a kettle of hot water down herself as couldn't remember how to pour it in the teapot.
she still doesnt accept being in care-she has DOLS in place_ and regularly "packs" to go home and sits in the reception area. the staff know how to deal with the behaviour,and she can normally be encouraged back into the lounge etc at next drink or meal time.
maybe ,like some others have written happened with their loved ones, a respite bed could be found whilst the next step is investigated. if you are not having to do all the caring you wont be so exhausted,and will be better able to deal with the mine field of funding/visiting homes etc.
hope you get the right outcome for you and mum
ros
