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Care home or 'care in our home'??

ejay7

Registered User
Mar 31, 2013
23
0
Bedfordshire UK
Reading this has made my heart beat real fast.
I worked in a care home for a good few years as a Senior Care Assistant
and at no time would i suggest a residents family member wash any ones hair.
This gives the job sector we work in a bad name.
If at any time a client needed any personal care i made sure it was carried out by
a care assistant and i was not afraid to carry any task out that needed doing.
Please do not let that care assistants attatude cloud your thoughts of what a good care giver can be. there are a good few of us out there.

jan1962


Jan1962, I hope my comments didn't sound like I was attacking carers in general. I have actually spoken to a few of the other carers in the home since the incident. They asked how I got on with my Mum's hair. They seem to be in agreement with me and have hinted that certain staff are too stuck on the 'rules'. I will be talking to the Manager. I have worked as a Support Worker for Adults with Learning Disabilities and know that our training focused highly on The Individual's Dignity. If a person needs personal care they need personal care. If that doesn't fit in conveniently with the once-a-week shower and it is ignored, then it looks a lot like neglect to me. :(
 

Rooley

Registered User
Dec 8, 2012
55
0
If I have learnt one thing from this...

Rooley, thankyou. You're right and I need to stop this tunnel vision. Do you know, my partner, myself and our daughter have never had a holiday together? This year we are going with my family, on a four day cottage holiday (courtesy of my lovely sister!). Can't tell you how much this means to us. Life is precious for ALL of us, isn't it?


It is that life is precious Ejay, and that you have to live it to the full while you can. I probably sound really harsh, and I don't mean to because my heart is breaking for my Mum and the situation she is in, but you cannot put your life on hold indefinitely. You have dependents, you have a life partner of your own, and although you also feel the pull of responsibility from your Mum's situation you have to also make sure that you know when to let go without giving up on her.

I don't know if this will help you - I found it at one of my lowest points

http://www.alzscot.org/downloads/lettinggo.pdf

Section 2, Emotions... on the possible reasons for guilt I think I ticked every box and I reckon you will too.

Enjoy your holiday, you totally deserve the break!
 

ejay7

Registered User
Mar 31, 2013
23
0
Bedfordshire UK
It is that life is precious Ejay, and that you have to live it to the full while you can. I probably sound really harsh, and I don't mean to because my heart is breaking for my Mum and the situation she is in, but you cannot put your life on hold indefinitely. You have dependents, you have a life partner of your own, and although you also feel the pull of responsibility from your Mum's situation you have to also make sure that you know when to let go without giving up on her.

I don't know if this will help you - I found it at one of my lowest points

http://www.alzscot.org/downloads/lettinggo.pdf

Section 2, Emotions... on the possible reasons for guilt I think I ticked every box and I reckon you will too.

Enjoy your holiday, you totally deserve the break!

Rooley, thankyou so much for that! What a gem of a book, everyone needs to know about it. I will be passing it on to my sister too. Thankyou again, God Bless x
 

ejay7

Registered User
Mar 31, 2013
23
0
Bedfordshire UK
Still battling!!!

Hello Comrades! Me again :rolleyes:
I was very comforted by everyone's advice, but...I'm still battling with myself! And yesterday when I visited Mum she broke down and was really crying. She says it is so boring in the CH and time goes so slow. She likes the staff and a few other residents, but unfortunately there are also a couple of residents who disturb her. She was diagnosed with a UTI after she told me "it burns when I go to the toilet" and I asked the CH to test her. So that is probably exacerbating her mood. She is now on antibiotics. She doesn't drink enough fluids and the CH perhaps aren't having the time to address this?
My partner said again that we could have her live with us. My sister and my nieces tell me "no!", but they are quite different to me in their views. I've worked as a Carer for Elderly and for Adults with Learning Disabilities. I like caring. It's what I'm good at. I've been awake for hours thinking about it. My 5 year old said "Gramma can have my room" (she sleeps with me anyway!). Plus there is the ongoing nightmare of Top Up Fees due to Social Worker's duff advice (going through negotiations with Council at moment following my formal complaint. A whole other story!!).
In short, my whole self is screaming at me to bring Mum here. I keep hearing "Honour thy Father and Mother" in my head...:confused:
 

sah

Registered User
Apr 20, 2009
332
0
Dorset
Morning ejay7:

I know it's tough...but I'd still advise what I did before. Your daughter is being really lovely but-at 5-she surely can't comprehend what it would mean to have your mum at home all the time.And for you to be able to care-for both-and not burn out, you will need breathing space and some normality. I can't see how that would be possible if you were caring 24/7 which is how it would be. Whatever experience you've had, once you are emotionally involved it all becomes very different as I'm sure you have seen.

Have you tried the old trick of what would you advise someone else with your situation? Your partner is being wonderfully supportive-but caring for someone does not mean doing it all yourself, as you know.

Hope you find some peace today,
Sah.x
 

crazyfish

Registered User
Oct 12, 2012
288
0
Hello Comrades! Me again :rolleyes:
I was very comforted by everyone's advice, but...I'm still battling with myself! And yesterday when I visited Mum she broke down and was really crying. She says it is so boring in the CH and time goes so slow. She likes the staff and a few other residents, but unfortunately there are also a couple of residents who disturb her. She was diagnosed with a UTI after she told me "it burns when I go to the toilet" and I asked the CH to test her. So that is probably exacerbating her mood. She is now on antibiotics. She doesn't drink enough fluids and the CH perhaps aren't having the time to address this?
My partner said again that we could have her live with us. My sister and my nieces tell me "no!", but they are quite different to me in their views. I've worked as a Carer for Elderly and for Adults with Learning Disabilities. I like caring. It's what I'm good at. I've been awake for hours thinking about it. My 5 year old said "Gramma can have my room" (she sleeps with me anyway!). Plus there is the ongoing nightmare of Top Up Fees due to Social Worker's duff advice (going through negotiations with Council at moment following my formal complaint. A whole other story!!).
In short, my whole self is screaming at me to bring Mum here. I keep hearing "Honour thy Father and Mother" in my head...:confused:
Good morning Ejay7,
sounds like things arn't getting any easier for you.
You sound like a very loving and caring family trapped within a situation that you feel you may make worse if YOU don't do the right thing.
You have received a great deal of good advise here and you must make your own decision hopefully that will be the right one for you and your family.
Your Mums health may deteriorate quickly to a point where you may need to return her to permanent care anyway.
UTI's are a very common problem and can affect people for some time.
As you seem to be well up on the type of care you mum requires just keep on top of th CH it does no harm to complain or point out where extra care is needed.
My Dad had good days and bad while in care but I made sure he was looked after 24/7 and the CH that Dad was in did a much better job than I could ever have done.
I know he wouldn't have wanted to be there but I don't feel bad about my decision as overall it was the best thing for him .
Whatever decisions we make there is a right and wrong way of looking at them but I am sure yours will be the right one.
Good luck.
MICK
 

boxer

Registered User
Jan 15, 2013
33
0
South-East London
Sadly, since my last post in April, my Mum has passed away. We were told by the doctors at her appointment that her cancer had spread and that nothing could be done. They did try her on tablets, injections, everything to slow the cancer down but in the end she passed away peacefully, last Thursday, with myself, 2 sisters and my aunt by her side.

When Mum went into hospital (9th August) sadly we had to put my Dad into respite care and that is where he is still now.

We had brought Dad up to her 2 days before when she was in hospital (the hospice she was booked into didn't have space) and that was every emotional. He sensed something was wrong but of course couldn't comprehend.

Managed to get Mum home and she passed away peacefully with everybody around her (except my Dad who we felt would just not be able to take things in, especially being in his own home).

They both had nearly 62 wonderful years together and even to the end my Mum was worried about my Dad, but we promised her to always be there for him.

We've been visiting him everyday at his care home and hopefully we can get him (and us) through the funeral next week. He's still the head of the family but not in a way we would have hoped.
 

lynd

Registered User
Apr 8, 2012
11
0
Wales
I have cared for my 78 year old mum for the past ten years or so. In the past few years, I was visiting her daily and doing everything for her. I did all I could to ensure her safety by having Carelink installed, mobility aids etc, but her condition has worsened in the past year and she has had 4 falls. She wasn't wearing her Carelink alarm pendant and probably wouldn't have remembered what it was for if she had been! The last fall resulted in her going into hospital for 3 weeks. This did her mental health no good at all and her deterioration was rapid and shocking. My sister and I decided ( after much inner turmoil) that 24 hour care in a home was the best choice. On the Social Worker's assurance that Mum would qualify for Continuous Healthcare Funding, we got her a place in a good home. We have now been told that Mum does not qualify and we are stuck with over £620 a month Top Up Fees! The savings will run out in 17 months and Mum will have to go into a cheaper Bupa Care Home. I visited one nearby and it was appalling. My partner says we can have Mum come to live with us and we will adapt. But we have a five year old daughter too and although she adores her Grandma, I am scared that my time will be swallowed up again with caring for my Mum and she will be affected. I am shocked at myself for hesitating to care for my mum. It IS hard work, but she's my Mum! I am filled with guilt and indecision :(

I really think you need to give it a lot of thought before having her at home with you, and you shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting to give her full time care after all you have a young child to care for and she needs her mum to give her undivided attention. I think i would appeal regarding the continuing care. I'm also sure if you look around there are more homes available. Look on your local council's web site for a list and talk to your mums social worker. At the end of the day your mum has had her life your daughters is only just starting!!!
 

lynd

Registered User
Apr 8, 2012
11
0
Wales
Sadly, since my last post in April, my Mum has passed away. We were told by the doctors at her appointment that her cancer had spread and that nothing could be done. They did try her on tablets, injections, everything to slow the cancer down but in the end she passed away peacefully, last Thursday, with myself, 2 sisters and my aunt by her side.

When Mum went into hospital (9th August) sadly we had to put my Dad into respite care and that is where he is still now.

We had brought Dad up to her 2 days before when she was in hospital (the hospice she was booked into didn't have space) and that was every emotional. He sensed something was wrong but of course couldn't comprehend.

Managed to get Mum home and she passed away peacefully with everybody around her (except my Dad who we felt would just not be able to take things in, especially being in his own home).

They both had nearly 62 wonderful years together and even to the end my Mum was worried about my Dad, but we promised her to always be there for him.

We've been visiting him everyday at his care home and hopefully we can get him (and us) through the funeral next week. He's still the head of the family but not in a way we would have hoped.


So sorry to hear your sad news my heart felt thoughts are with you and your family. xxxx
 

boxer

Registered User
Jan 15, 2013
33
0
South-East London
Thank you.

Been up to the care home tonight to give Dad a haircut and cut his toenails! Must ask the care home if they have a chiropodist come in as his were in a state! My Mum always did that for him :(

So sorry to hear your sad news my heart felt thoughts are with you and your family. xxxx
 

ejay7

Registered User
Mar 31, 2013
23
0
Bedfordshire UK
Thank you.

Been up to the care home tonight to give Dad a haircut and cut his toenails! Must ask the care home if they have a chiropodist come in as his were in a state! My Mum always did that for him :(

Boxer, really sorry to read your sad news. I haven't been on here for ages.
I have decided I need to get my mum out of her Carehome. She is so unhappy, bored and lonely. I can't live with the knowledge that she feels that way while we are happy in our home. I have to wash her hair because the Carehome lets it stay greasy. I have to chase them up to do Urine checks, because mum doesn't drink enough fluid. I've seen the dinner served to mum (on an occasion when she refused to go to the dining room because she was so horrified at the thought of sitting with the other -worse off- residents) and it was minute and uninteresting! Mum has no companion to talk to. The communal Tvs are always on dull channels or 'old time' music is on. Mum's room is small and L-shaped and is not adequate to spend time in alone. My mum has dementia, yes. But she is still pretty sharp with a cracking sense of humour. It just feels TOTALLY wrong to leave her there. She raised 3 of us as a single parent, whilst battling with depression herself. She didnt give up on us and put us into Care. I cant live with myself if I dont try something...which is why I'm awake at this ungodly hour!
 

stillcaring

Registered User
Sep 4, 2011
215
0
Hi Ejay,

I really empathise for your dilemma as i'm also a Christian and have cared for my aunt (AD) in our home for a few months back in 2006 when my children were aged between 9 and 14. I now care for my mum (her sister, also AD/VD) but she lives in a house 1/3 mile away from us. I have tried to 'honour my mother' but for me this has to stop short of having her actually in our home because I know I would get so annoyed with her that I would not be able to honour her in the way I treated her. It is better for her to be in her own home with me in and out 4 or 5 times a day than actually here with us. She fiddles with stuff, breaks things, loses things and that would not be fair on the 2 children who still live here. When my aunt was with us she used to get up in the night to go to the loo, get lost and end up getting the first bed she found whether or not it had someone else sleeping in it. That is not appropriate for children. We coped but only because we knew it was for a short time (while we sold her house in London and bought her one near us). I got almost no sleep and was regularly late to collect the kids from things because she would tell me to go and leave her and then decide she didn't want to be left alone and then take ages to get ready to leave the house. The fact that it was my aunt, not my mum, helped me to be more objective about it. I would not have the patience with my mum I had with her.

I don't really know what I'm saying here- waffling due to lack of sleep I'm afraid.

I suppose I am saying that it will be unimaginably hard having your mum with you and that it won't necessarily end up being the best thing for her because although I'm sure you are a lovely person trying to follow Jesus, you aren't Jesus and aren't perfect or all powerful and need to realise that.
 

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