Care Home is iminant - Any Advice Very Sad

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by andypandy, Aug 6, 2015.

  1. andypandy

    andypandy Registered User

    Jun 28, 2015
    Hi, Mum is definitely doing the respite then will be admitted to the CH after the respite period. She's not functioning on her own anymore with any day to day tasks and she had a fall last week and ended up in A & E and it's now blaringly obvious she needs 24/7 care. We are so upset that when she leaves for respite she won't be coming back to her home, but it's going to be for the best. We I can't imagine not being with her as much as me and my sisters are now, but don't know if it's healthy. Do we need to step back when she's in the care home or should we just carry on as normal. We have her assessment this afternoon and then we go from there. Feeling so very sad, still feel like we've let mum down as we promised we wouldn't do this but we never imagined she would end up how she is.
  2. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    When your Mum enters the care home you will still be her carers, you will always be her carers. It will be different, you will now get the good bits of caring, the sitting chatting, holding her hand, giving her a massage or manicure if she likes those. Your time will be quality time, no chores to do or sorting out of problems.

    Your Mum will need you to be her eyes and ears so that she settles well and things are as you would like them to be. She will need you to make sure she has the little things that make life that little bit better and at the end of the day you know she has company, carers watching her and she is safe, fed and medication all sorted.

    My husband has been in care now for three years and I don't like it but it is what is best for him, not what is best for me so I accept with thanks the help and support the nursing home gives us both.
  3. irishmanc

    irishmanc Registered User

    Jan 14, 2015
    Sorry to hear it. I think the general advice is to step back a bit until she settles into the CH. The staff there should be able to advise you on how she is getting on. You will, of course, feel sad but you are still caring for her and loving her but you are now allowing others to become involved too. Many CHs are fantastic but you never hear about them in the media. Good luck to you. You will feel many emotions on this journey but don't fear them too much and concentrate on doing your best for your Mum.
  4. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    #4 Sianey, Aug 7, 2015
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2015
    Care home

    Hi andypandy,

    I replied because I felt the same as you. My Mam went into respite supposedly with the view to going back to her house but really I deep down knew she wouldn't. I felt very upset beyond belief and lost so much sleep due to the guilt I felt. When I took my Mam I cried leaving her and coming home and rang a couple of hours later. I felt I was deciding my Mams future for her which I'm sure you feel like.

    I left it a few days but rang instead then I visit about three times per week now as mine is a sixteen mile trip to the home and I have a lot of hospital visits with her.

    Once you have settled in to your Mum being at the home and that you are happy she is being cared for and is safe you will gradually feel better.

    mam was in an attic room with a coded lift which I felt was no good so once available got her moved to ground floor level

    You will always be her career as the home will liaise with you all the time as you know your Mum best and they will need your help as well.

    I felt better once I took things of personal value to Mams room as well although she is always packing them.

    What I have found since I've been going to the care home is how attached you get to other residents and care home staff and vice versa something which I didn't think would happen but do enjoy.

    hope you feel a bit better.

  5. andypandy

    andypandy Registered User

    Jun 28, 2015
    Thank you

    Thank you all for the kind words, they do mean a lot and I do hope I feel the same as you when it happens. Monday late morning we need to take her up, I know it's for mums needs and thankfully she will still be very close. It's just we always told her we wouldn't do it, but I now realise never say never, health takes over from want. And I am fully prepared that if anything health wise happens to me that I will need to be moved to one. Still feel guilty with mum though.
    I will just make sure I cherish my visits with her and try to have some fun times, and hopefully after a while I'll accept our decision. I just hope she does too.
  6. sjcares

    sjcares Registered User

    Oct 1, 2012
    Hi, I agree with jaymor,

    It is very upsetting when you and your family have to put your loved one into a care home, You do have a say in their care and visit to give quality time to your mom, You are informed fully by the home about you Mom's care plan and your social worker is also involved.
    You get to provide a lists of like and dislikes in food, activities your mom may like to do etc,
    You and your sisters are fully involved, don't feel guilty, your mom will understand that you and your sister's know what's best for her and if that's 24/7 care, she will understand.

    I had to put my mom into a care home, it's beautiful and the staff keep me fully informed about all things to do with mom, I can visit when I want and as my mom can walk and is quite active, I can take her out for cream teas and spend the quality time together, that I know she enjoys. Mom used to work in a children nursery school as a cook, the home let her do a little washing up in their kitchenette, so mom feels useful, as she thinks she is still helping the children. All this is noted in moms care plan, so these activities make your loved one settle in and adjust far more quickly. They have music and activities also. Plus the fact that they make friends and feel at home far more quickly. Than having a carer call at the home, It gives you more time for the nice lovely time you can spend with your Mom, hopes this helps you all. SJcares.
  7. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    Care home

    I think your Mum should be proud of the things you are doing for her.

    At least you can focus on visiting her rather than spending time doing things for her if she lived at home.

    Your Mum will look forward to the treats you take for her as mine does.

    Yesterday I painted two old lady's nails for them after they saw I did my Mams.I never thought I would get attached to other residents but I have.

    You will feel better slowly but surely but make sure you still do things you enjoy doing as well.

  8. Anniebell

    Anniebell Registered User

    Jan 31, 2015
    Hi andypandy just going through the same with Mum she had to go into emergency respite 7th July we had an assessment on the 29th July and the dementia team and social services agreed that Mum needed 24 hr care i was devastated and like you felt like id let mum down i couldn't stop crying but i know its the best thing for mum its a huge change and it will take time mum seems to have settled really well the packing has stopped shes not asking to go home shes safe, she has company all the time, shes cared for by people who know what they are doing i feel a little lost not having to juggle my work, my family around caring for mum doing her house work cooking shopping etc my brother and i now visit alternate days and stay for a couple of hours and its quality time we chat all the time and its lovely mums calm and i'm more relaxed i tend to go in the morning and leave when mum goes into the dining room for lunch
    I know how you are feeling and its awful and i feel for you hope everything works out for your mum and your family let me know how you get on
    Take Care Love Annie x

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