Care Home imminent-help

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by Amy, Jan 8, 2006.

  1. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Having been told no room in Care Home until March had OT in this week and spoken to care co-ordinator and nurse to arrange extra facilities for dad to care for mum. Phone call out of the blue today to say place available.
    Dad cannot cope any longer, but the thought of mum going into the home is horrible. We feel as though we are losing a bit more of her. I feel guilty that she will be with people who don't love her. She is in advanced stages, unable to walk, stand independently, feed, incontinent etc but she still smiles. Will she be aware that we are leaving her? When this dreadful illness first started I promised her that I would be there for her. Part of me wants to pack in my workand take on her care, but it is only part of me and I feel guilty that I am letting her down. If she was "blank" all the time it would be easier, but her smile is so beautiful. She is going in on Tuesday. I have to get my own head sorted so that I can support my dad.
  2. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Amy, Amy what can I are doing sooooooo much. Stop beating yourself up. Deep breaths........
    O.K. now, do what you can. no more,no less. Its going to happen anyway.

    Take good care of yourselves, the future will do the rest. Connie.

    (I do not mean to sound trite, but rally, what can we do.........except to be there when we are called upon. Connie
  3. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Thanks Connie,
    I feel like a three year old and want to throw a tantrum, stamp my feet ,to make it all stop. It is so unfair. Don't you get fed up of dealing rationally and acceptingly with this disease. The thing is it goes on and on. My only consolation is that at least mum seems happy most of the time inher world
  4. KarenC

    KarenC Registered User

    Jun 2, 2005
    Los Angeles, USA
    Hi Amy,

    I hope things go smoothly with your mother's move to her new home. People are so different, it is probably impossible to say to what extent she will be aware that you are leaving her someplace new, etc. With my mom, it took a few weeks in her current home (an Alzheimer's home; previously she had been in an assisted living home that couldn't really handle dementia) before she kind of settled in. So be prepared that your mother may be depressed/upset at first, but that doesn't mean it's not going to work out in a reasonable length of time.

    You are still going to be there for her; as Bruce (I think) has pointed out, you will still be visiting your mother at her home, she just will have moved to a different place.

    How is your dad holding up? I'm sure it's not easy for him.

    One of the tough things about dementia is that it is by stages, by fits and starts, with better days and worse days, so we do keep losing little pieces of the person we love. My mom is not quite as advanced in the disease as yours, but definitely needing 24/7 supervision, generally disoriented, and unable to carry on a normal conversation. But part of her personality is still there -- which sometimes is a comfort and sometimes makes it seem hard; like you say, it they were just "blank" it might not seem like things mattered so much.

    Take care of yourself and let us know how it goes.

  5. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    Hello Amy

    You say you promised your Mum you would take care of her and you are. You and your Dad are making sure she has care 24/7, she will be safe, warm and looked after by people who will get to know her very quickly.

    You will still be there for her, but instead of yourselves being exhausted, you will see her when you are less stressed and tired which will mean the time you spend with her be be more relaxed and your relationship with her will still be the same as it always was.

    It was horrid to take my Mum to a care home, but it has been successful for her and us, she settled within a few days and has never looked back. The staff and residents there are her new extended family and when she is anxious she turns to them, not us, for help, that was tough at first, but is how it should be for her.

    My Mum is not far behind yours, the only difference is Mum is still mobile, her language is almost gone now and we have weird chats about who knows what, but she seems happy in her own world and has a beautiful smile too. Take lots of pictures of her and make the most this new phase in your relationship.

    Take care

  6. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Thanks for your messages,
    After sleeping ,and a lie in this morning I am being more rational. Yesterday it was like being in shock. I.m going over later to bathe mum and do her hair. On the phone last night dad said "I'm going to miss her", a bit of an understatement I I tried to reassure him that we are doing what is right, and impress on him that mum will still need him. Fortunately the home is not far from where he lives.
    Funny how things work out isn't it. My brother and his wife had made an unplanned visit yesterday (they live 100 miles away), so we were able to go to the home and see the room together. It was very much a family decision, and I know that will help my dad.
  7. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex

    I am pleased you are feeling better today.

    You sound a very loving and caring person, I bet your Mum and Dad are very proud of you. Give yourself a pat on the back.

  8. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    Just a quick update. Dad and I took mum to the home this afternoon; it was a

    very strange feeling leaving the house. Dad went up to her room to unpack

    whilst I settled mum in the lounge. I then popped up to help and make sure dad

    OK. By the time we came back down mum was fast asleep! We talked to another

    resident who I knew from my childhood, and another carer. I brought dad back to

    my home for a few hours (in chaos with three teenage sons and major building

    work underway). Took him home at 9pm; the house seemed so empty - its many

    years since mum has been able to hold a conversation, but we talked and

    interacted with her all the time.

    I've regularly bathed her and done her hair, not out of duty but because

    I wanted to do those things. Now I feel as though I will have to ask

    permission to show I care.

    Dad is being so strong, accepting that this is another phase of their lives and the

    illness, but I know that he is hurting. I think for him because he realises that he

    could not cope any longer, there is a sense of relief that mum is safe. He is so

    weary himself as well.

    I know that we will adapt to the new situation, and make the best of it, but

    tonight I just feel as though a little more of my relationship with mum has died.

    This all sounds so selfish, I'm sorry. I didn't only bring dad back to my house for

    his sake, but because I couldn't face taking him home without mum at that point.

  9. Jude

    Jude Registered User

    Dear Amy,

    Taking my parents to the Nursing Home probably ranks as the worst day of my life. The week before was a total nightmare. I couldn't sleep, couldn't think, felt ill, consumed with guilt and I also felt as if I had failed them utterly.

    Amazingly, they were perfectly happy and relaxed. They settled in immediately and six months on, still think they are living in an hotel.

    In a week or so, I'm sure you will feel a sense of relief and realise that you have done exactly the right thing.

    Kind regards,

  10. May

    May Registered User

    Oct 15, 2005
    My Mum is not as advanced as yours but I feel for you. I dread having to do the same, but I'm sure it's the right decision. We all become so darned tired coping with this insidious monster that we can't think straight. Caring about the carers also takes it out of you, I don't know about your Dad, but mine does the strong silent type routine on me, when what he needs to do is talk and let out a bit of the pain and anger I can see just under the surface.
    I hope you are feeling more settled with your decision and that Mum is comfortable and happy so you can enjoyyour time with her
    Sending Hugs
  11. Hugh

    Hugh Registered User

    Sep 23, 2005
    Hi Amy, you have done what you clearly want to do for your dear Mum and Dad that is doing what is best for them. It feels absolutely ghastly for you the "doer of the deed" but I feel you are right on track. Mum went into a nursing home a year ago - with some gentle encouragement from me and my brother. She was a bit low for the first few weeks but that we expected and it was all about her getting used to a whole new daily life. The carers are wonderful and love her to bits - she is well fed and warm and safe and has nice activities if she chooses to get involved. I still feel very guilty that I could not have cared for her in our house but I do know that it would not have been best for MUM. She needed 24 hour care a year ago and now is well settled in and the other day after being out with us for the day she suddenly said "I think I need to be getting back home now". This was the first time she said this and it made me realise that however hard iot was and still feels for us she is in the right place for her and we did what we did a year ago with her best interests at heart. I hope you soon will begin to see that you have done the same because I believe you have. Well done and look after yourself, hugh ;)

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