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Care home? How do we know it’s time.

SeaSwallow

Registered User
Oct 28, 2019
11
0
I have had a couple of months of hell with my husband and just feel as if I cannot take anymore. The delusions and paranoia are getting worse, lots of verbal abuse, and going over and over the same thing hour after hour. I am lucky if I get 3/4 hours sleep a night and am exhausted.
I don’t want him to go into care but I am just not coping. He is so sure that there is nothing wrong with him that he will not accept outside help.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
16,776
0
South coast
When the carer can no longer cope - its time
If you are asking the question - its time
From what you have written about what your husband is like Id say its definitely time.
What you are doing is not sustainable long time and will lead to carer burnout.

I understand that you want to keep him at home, we all want that, but quite often its just not possible. They need a whole team of people working in shifts around the clock - not just one exhausted and frazzled carer. Dont wait for your husband to agree, because they never do. Mum fought tooth and nail against moving into a care home, but eventually there was no choice. Once she had settled, though, all her paranoia went, her personality returned (although not her memory) and I became her daughter again.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,639
0
You're asking the question, so it's time. There comes a point where the person with dementia's needs become so great that they outweigh what they or family members want to happen. You're at that point.
 

SeaSwallow

Registered User
Oct 28, 2019
11
0
When the carer can no longer cope - its time
If you are asking the question - its time
From what you have written about what your husband is like Id say its definitely time.
What you are doing is not sustainable long time and will lead to carer burnout.

I understand that you want to keep him at home, we all want that, but quite often its just not possible. They need a whole team of people working in shifts around the clock - not just one exhausted and frazzled carer. Dont wait for your husband to agree, because they never do. Mum fought tooth and nail against moving into a care home, but eventually there was no choice. Once she had settled, though, all her paranoia went, her personality returned (although not her memory) and I became her daughter again.
Thank you for your reply. We have a review appointment on Wednesday at the local hospital, I am sending them a letter explaining what has been going on.
 

Old Flopsy

Registered User
Sep 12, 2019
294
0
Hi @SeaSwallow, @canary has summed up the issues brilliantly.

Back in February I was faced with similar problems and the words of @canary were a great comfort to me and helped me to see the way forward.

I reached carer burnout and a crisis led to OH going to hospital, and eventually direct into a care home. For years he said he 'would refuse to go into a care home', like your OH he was convinced that there was nothing wrong with him.

He took time to accept that he must remain in the care home where he was cared for by a wonderful team of carers, around the clock. Although I suffered immensely with guilt I could not have continued to keep him safe.

With hindsight it was the best decision for him, and both of us.
 

SeaSwallow

Registered User
Oct 28, 2019
11
0
You're asking the question, so it's time. There comes a point where the person with dementia's needs become so great that they outweigh what they or family members want to happen. You're at that point.
Thank you, you have reflected just how I feel.
 

Bettysue

Registered User
Mar 21, 2020
114
0
I asked the same question a few months ago. I have now reached the decision and am planning for my partner’s move into full time care. He is beyond objecting and is not difficult to deal with but the demands of double incontinence, wandering and being brought back by police, sleepless nights and lack of any meaningful communication have forced the move. I just hope that he accepts it and we can progress to a calmer relationship when I am not worn down by the practicalities of caring.
 

Thethirdmrsc

Registered User
Apr 4, 2018
563
0
Hi @SeaSwallow when I told our mental health nurse that I couldn’t cope in October, it meant that I couldnt live like this anymore. I couldn’t cope with being in a prison, with the sleepless nights, the paranoia and the hallucinations. We were both unhappy and I couldn’t help him anymore. It’s certainly a roller coaster going forward now, but I take heart in the consultant saying that she doesn’t know how I coped with him at home. We can’t all cope well, It’s not easy letting go, and yes there is guilt, but it’s your own road.
 

Bun

Registered User
Oct 2, 2021
57
0
I have had a couple of months of hell with my husband and just feel as if I cannot take anymore. The delusions and paranoia are getting worse, lots of verbal abuse, and going over and over the same thing hour after hour. I am lucky if I get 3/4 hours sleep a night and am exhausted.
I don’t want him to go into care but I am just not coping. He is so sure that there is nothing wrong with him that he will not accept outside help.
 

Bun

Registered User
Oct 2, 2021
57
0
Sea swallow@ I had carer burn out, been my husband carer12 yes, he is very active, was a wonderer, police bought him home. Wouldn't do anything I asked him, was very argumentative. Respite by the social services was taken away. I was his sole career. He was taken into care. He went to this home for respite originally. They say he has settled, takes part in activities when they have them. He cries when I take him back.( I'm allowed to take him out) or he gets annoyed with me. He has been in their 9 months, he asks why he's in there. He was in a bad mood 2day. I don't know how to manage the situation. I want to see him, when I speak to him on the phone he wants to see me, but he's not happy when he does. In beginning it was very hard being on my own realising he wouldn't becoming back. I have found very stressful. My husband has always been rather controling. Hope it all works out for you, be strong.xx
 

SeaSwallow

Registered User
Oct 28, 2019
11
0
Thank you everyone, lots of food for thought. The last couple of days OH has almost been back to his old self, for the first time in ages. I know it will not last but it was so good. We have a hospital appointment next week and will see what comes from that.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
75,006
0
Kent
It`s time for residential care when the carer is no longer able to meet the needs of the person with dementia.