1. Welcome to Talking Point - an online community for everyone who is affected by dementia. Whether you have dementia or know someone who does, we will be there for you.

    Sign up to join the community, or Log in if you're already a member.

    If you need help using Talking Point, read our Help pages or contact us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk

  2. Hi everyone, Talking Point is back! We’ve updated the software in order to improve security, design, and the way the community works, and introduced some helpful features.

    Find out more

Care Home Help for Feisty Mum

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Talking Point' started by minandmol, Aug 11, 2017.

  1. minandmol

    minandmol Registered User

    Aug 11, 2017
    7
    Hi, trying to find a care home, primarily for respite fo my amazing Dad who looks after Mum who has alzheimers and vascular dementia, but medium term for help.
    Mum needs help with all personal care, hates showers, hair washes etc and can sometimes be noisy and shout if she diesnt want to do something. We found what we thought was a lovely care home for respite and went today. Mum had a little shouting and we were basically told they could not cope with her! She is not on any medication, Dad took her off wverything five months ago and she is as good as she ever has been. We hate the idea of her having to go somewhere where she wojls be drugged like a zombie. Just not sure what to do. We are Berks/Bucks area. Any advise, help, pointers would b great. Thanks so much
     
  2. LadyA

    LadyA Volunteer Host

    Oct 19, 2009
    11,512
    Ireland
    Hello Minandmol,

    I wonder if you would be better, rather than a "Care Home", looking at a home that specialises in dementia care and challenging behaviour, right from the beginning? Otherwise, if you find a Care Home that agrees to take your mum for respite, you might find that they would phone and ask you to come and take her back very quickly, which would have then disrupted her and your dad's routine for nothing. Shouting, while maybe not seen as too much of a problem at home, could quickly escalate in a residential environment, because other residents could get upset by it, and start off too. The Management have to take that into consideration. There was a lady at my late husband's nursing home who just shouted to herself all. the. time. None stop, as she walked around, you could hear "Oh, God help us! This must be some sort of hospital. There seem to be an awful lot of sick people here. Oh, the poor people!" that went on all day, and other residents and visitors were also questioned at full volume, with the same questions repeated constantly. Everyone's nerves were put on edge, even though it was not at all the lady's fault. It was just the presentation of her illness. But the other residents would get upset at the constant noise, and start shouting back, and she got slapped once or twice before staff could intervene.

    Finally, she was put on some medication, which did not turn her into a zombie, she still spent all day walking around, but it did tone down the shouting. My husband was also on a lot of medication, including anti psychotics, to deal with the way his illness presented. Extreme paranoia and terrifying hallucinations & delusions. His medication didn't turn him into a zombie either. It did what it was supposed to do, it dealt with his troublesome symptoms, and he was able to life contentedly. When he finally went into a nursing home, he also spent his time walking around, visiting other residents, enjoying the music programs etc.
     
  3. AndyL

    AndyL Registered User

    Sep 2, 2015
    17
    My mum had respite in a care home and it was a nightmare as she set off the alarms at night and was shouting, we ended up taking her home. She is now in a home that has a specific dementia unit, she does have medication to calm her anxiety and i have to say it's not about turning her into a zombie, it's about trying to make her life calm and being able to interact with others. When they are shouting/in distress this is not normal behaviour for most and I am far happier that she no longer feels this amount of anxiety and we can still laugh and enjoy our time together and she can have personal care without be upset.
    Medication is about getting a balance, my mums mind is only going to to get worse and while I don't want her to be a 'zombie' I want her to have the best quality of life she can whilst not being distressed. At present she has regained a balance and likes her carers which may not have been achieved without medication.
    Shouting,distress and anxiety was never my Mum, I think to be behaving like this must be totally frightening for her, so if I can help her with this even through medication, then so be it... I would just like my mum back,but it will never be and I have to accept that and do what I can to ease this. Love and miss her so much even though she is still here.
     
  4. minandmol

    minandmol Registered User

    Aug 11, 2017
    7
    Hi, thank you so much fo your kind replies.
    The home that we went to the other day was indeed a nursing home for challenging behaviour with specialism in dementia. However, they had a fair percentage of residents who just needed care, not nursing. I think we just need to jeep looking.
    Our mental health care unit has signed mum off their books as Dad took her off all meds. They changed her medication about four times, each one she was put on had bad side effects for her. These included not eating, not being able to walk (Mum is a physically fit 74 year old), and no recognition of us. Without the medication Mum recognises me, can walk and enjoys her sweets foods! I was appalled that the mental health u it washed their hands of us. Should we try and push foe more help? We are totally on our own. We dont know which nursing homes to try, and Dad does need respite.
    Mum only gets shouty when she doesnt want to do something. It is true, she may be disruptive with others, say at meal times if she has had enough. She will shout and swear through shower times, and hair washes, also toilet times.
    What can I suggest to Dad do you think? We miss Mum so so much, but there is still a bit there. She loves cuddles and our one on one attention, but we cant always provide that, so need help.
    Thank you for listening. X



    UOTE=LadyA;1437910]Hello Minandmol,
    I wonder if you would be better, rather than a "Care Home", looking at a home that specialises in dementia care and challenging behaviour, right from the beginning? Otherwise, if you find a Care Home that agrees to take your mum for respite, you might find that they would phone and ask you to come and take her back very quickly, which would have then disrupted her and your dad's routine for nothing. Shouting, while maybe not seen as too much of a problem at home, could quickly escalate in a residential environment, because other residents could get upset by it, and start off too. The Management have to take that into consideration. There was a lady at my late husband's nursing home who just shouted to herself all. the. time. None stop, as she walked around, you could hear "Oh, God help us! This must be some sort of hospital. There seem to be an awful lot of sick people here. Oh, the poor people!" that went on all day, and other residents and visitors were also questioned at full volume, with the same questions repeated constantly. Everyone's nerves were put on edge, even though it was not at all the lady's fault. It was just the presentation of her illness. But the other residents would get upset at the constant noise, and start shouting back, and she got slapped once or twice before staff could intervene.

    Finally, she was put on some medication, which did not turn her into a zombie, she still spent all day walking around, but it did tone down the shouting. My husband was also on a lot of medication, including anti psychotics, to deal with the way his illness presented. Extreme paranoia and terrifying hallucinations & delusions. His medication didn't turn him into a zombie either. It did what it was supposed to do, it dealt with his troublesome symptoms, and he was able to life contentedly. When he finally went into a nursing home, he also spent his time walking around, visiting other residents, enjoying the music programs etc.[/QUOTE]
     
  5. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    How far would you travel for respite?
    Would St Albans be too far?

    Can recommend one there . Not allowd to do it publicly, message me if you are interested in one that far.
     
  6. minandmol

    minandmol Registered User

    Aug 11, 2017
    7
    Yes

    Hi, v v interested. Can u let me know please.
     

Share This Page