Care Home Guilt

[t hall]

My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 3 years ago and has lived at home, alone since then. She has deteriorated a lot in the last 18 months but was so fiercely independent she would not accept help from anyone apart from me. She wouldn't see her friends as she was embarrassed by her illness. I had to lie to her about getting a companion from an agency to come in and have a cup of tea with her, I told her it was a service from the GP surgery for anyone over 80 living alone.
At the beginning of July the day I always dreaded arrived, I called after work to see her to find the downstairs curtains still closed. She was on the floor in the living room, where I can only assume she had been all day. She wasn't hurt in anyway but shaken and confused.
She has just spent 6 weeks in hospital, the confusion has got worse and she now needs 24hr supervision. My brother and I had to make the decision to find a care home, which she moved in to on Monday, I thought I would feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders as she was safe and cared for, however I feel worse this week.
I hate visiting because she can't understand what I'm saying, she talks in her own language with made up words. It is constantly on my mind, I'm not sleeping and feel like running away to a remote Island where nobody can find me.
We are selling her house and all her possessions to fund the care home and it feels so wrong that she knows nothing about it. I know it's the right decision for her safety and wellbeing but I have a constant feel of guilt over everything . Does everyone feel this way and will the guilt ever go away?

 

[marionq]

Guilt is for when you have done something bad. You are trying to care for your mother in the best way that you and your brother can. How can that be bad? You didn't cause the dementia or make your mother ill. Be kind to yourself as well as to your mother. You are doing the right thing.

 

[love.dad.but..]

For me I don't think the guilt will ever go completely. Bad enough when I was living with dad to keep him safe after mum died suddenly that I sold his beloved car from under his nose but to tell love lies over that was nothing compared to taking him and leaving him in a care home 2 yrs ago when all options had been exhausted and recently selling his house. It feels so very wrong to do these things when they are still here. Dementia changes everything and for some at such an early stage. Mum and dad never wanted a care home scenario and imagined parachuting medical care in but that isn't possible with dementia which they never naturally thought would happen. Tried 2 live in carers after I lived with dad for 10 months but dad was too vulnerable by then. However and it has been very upsetting over every aspect so many tears for me making these decisions as his decline has accelerated these are the points I live by and constantly remind myself of these days -

1. Every decision no matter how hard for me has been the right decision taken at the right time and in dads best interests as his understanding disappears.
2. The guilt which I will always feel lessens as I can see he is safe and looked after and with more decisions I have to make for him and his affairs.
3. I know that at every stage of this vile illness and with more heartache to come as he is in the advanced mental stage I have always tried my best for my lovely dad.
4. Finally I will be able to look myself in the mirror when the inevitable happens able to be honest with myself knowing as I visit the care home every other day closely monitor all his health and financial affairs I could not have done any more.

Put your guilt monkey back in it's cage! When it escapes as it will from time to time put it firmly back in the cage and tell yourself even in tricky times with difficult decisions to take you are doing your very best x

 

[Dustycat]

I feel like I carry a mountain of guilt around with me every single day after placing both my parents in care one after the other. I don't think it ever goes away but like others have said I keep telling myself I did the right thing for their own safety and security.x

 

[t hall]

Thank you all for your responses. I suppose it's something I will have to learn to live with x

 

[stanleypj]

Guilt come with caring. Even those of us who are currently able to keep a PWD at home, with help, often experience it. When anything goes wrong, we can always find reasons to blame ourselves.

You don't have to read TP for long to realise that practically no-one arranges for a PWD to go into a CH without very good reason.

Whatever the immediate 'cause' of the guilt, we just have to try to be rational about this, but that's easier said than done.