Care Home funding

Elle3

Registered User
Jun 30, 2016
636
Thank you for your valuable advice. I’m finding this very difficult. My mother died of dementia in residential care and I didn’t feel the same pressure but my father had died and the family home was sold so there was nowhere else to go. Perhaps it’s the difference in relationship or the fact I’m living in his house and visit him every day and do his personal care. He has had failed residential placements, two admissions to hospital and three months in a mental health unit all in a period of six months. His challenging behaviour occurred every time he moved, which was often, but he has been started on effective medication now and appears much more stable. He always wants to go home which I know is dementia but he has not really settled anywhere including the current placement. Perhaps some never settle. It’s all food for thought. Thanks for your help and advice.
There is no saying he will settle anywhere, so please don’t try going backwards and bringing him back home, it will probably be no different and it will put you under enormous pressure and stress. It could also prove more difficult to get him back into care, you know how slow the process can be.

I think Canary is right, when you visit a Care home, you not only have to consider the visible decor, but how friendly and caring the staff are and also how well the residents are cared for. Are they up and out of their rooms, are they well dressed and clean do they see content.

The care home my dad was in was amazing, I got to know all the staff really well and the other residents, it was like one big family. My dad only ever slept in his room, it was really somewhere to just store his things. The rest of the time he could go wherever he wanted in the unit, I mostly found him in the dining room, where they had a radio on all the time and people came in and out but it rarely got too noisy or busy except at meal times. I thought my dad would never settle but he did but that’s because of the care he received and I could visit as often and whenever I liked as it was close by which helped me.

Are there better rooms in the home? Perhaps your OH could move when one of those becomes available.

((Hugs)) Elle x

Ps. I wanted to add that I never had Power of attorney for H&W and it was never an issue for me.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,344
South coast
He has had failed residential placements, two admissions to hospital and three months in a mental health unit all in a period of six months.
He hasnt had a chance to settle - it took mum a good couple of months and she only moved the once (twice if you count the week in hospital). He has had so many moves in such a short time that Im not surprised that he is confused and unsettled.

Please give this a chance. If you take him home again you will undo all the work that has been done and you will be back to square one. Things that can help him settle are not visiting too long as he needs to learn the routine of the home and to watch your body language while you are there. Both mum and OH mirror(ed) my moods - if you are upset about the care home, he will be too. Try and staple a bright smile to your face and put on a bright isnt-this-all-lovely attitude. Get his room looking nice and enthuse about it, admire the pictures in the lounge, the curtains in the dining room, the view over whatever, tell him how lovely the carers are. If he starts on the "want to go home" loop decide that you need the loo. I never said goodbye to mum; I used to leave my bag and coat in the office so that I wouldnt be picking them up to go and when I left I would make some excuse of something I needed to do and tell her that I would be back soon (which was not a total lie). I would often visit in the morning when she was at her best and leave mid-day when her dinner arrived (Oh look mum, heres your dinner. I need to go and talk to the manager. I;ll see you soon) as this would distract her.

Get rid of the guilt monster.