Could someone please advise , we have uncle in a care home he has Alzheimer’s and mild heart failure . He still can have reasonable conversations with us and retains his sense of humour , despite his carers being wonderfully kind and caring he’s always said he wants to be with his family , he has no children and never married . Sadly he caught Covid despite having the vaccine a few days before , he was very poorly and it was touch and go for a while but he thankfully recovered and is almost back to his old self , my husband and I are his only relatives who’ve ever taken care of him , we also have POA on all levels . We feel awful leaving him in the care home as we know he’s unhappy and lonely, we would like to know if we are legally allowed to take him out and care for him ourselves, it would mean giving up our jobs to be his full time carers , also there are now more cases of Covid in the home and we’re worried he could catch it again with a worse outcome next time . Also there is a financial question of would we be allowed to pay ourselves a small wage to look after him , he’s self funding . He wants to be with his family and be cared for by his loved ones , we realise the responsibility but want the best for him obviously, I have care experience so know what to expect. All we want is for him to be happy . Any advice would be helpful thank you .
Care home and covid
- Thread starter Georgesgirl53
- Start date
Hello and welcome to posting @Georgesgirl53
That's quite a complicated situation and set of questions. Others with relevant experience may be along to answer you soon but I wonder if it may provide a few pointers if you have a chat with the helpline when it opens. If you would like to try that just click the following link
www.alzheimers.org.uk
That's quite a complicated situation and set of questions. Others with relevant experience may be along to answer you soon but I wonder if it may provide a few pointers if you have a chat with the helpline when it opens. If you would like to try that just click the following link
Dementia Support Line
If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
Thank you , as I’m new here I’ve probably posted on the wrong forum . It’s all such a worry I can’t tell you how many sleepless nights we’ve had worrying about all this . The most scary thing is that uncles had Covid so could be weaker and maybe more vulnerable to get it again as there are more cases . We just want to do the best thing for his happiness and well being long term . Thank you again .
I understand your feelings and it is very noble of you to want to look after him. I do wonder, though, who he is thinking of when he says that he wants to be with his family. I remember mum telling me that her family never came to see her although I went regularly, as did my daughter (her grandchild) and I was actually visiting when told me! It turned out that the family she was thinking of were her parents and siblings, who were all dead many years previously. Mum knew who I was and yet she was not thinking of me when she talked about her family. I think it extremely likely that the same thing is happening with your uncle. Most people with dementia live in the past and want to go back to a childhood home and think that their family as they remember them from their childhood are still there. He could well not be any happier living with you and still saying that he wants to live with his family.
Thank you for your reply , I understand what your saying and appreciate how difficult things have been for you , such a sad situation. Uncle as far as we know has always classed us as his nearest and dearest , he does have other relatives who have sadly never bothered with him , previous to him going into care we have enjoyed lots of days out together, long country walks and trips to the seaside etc , in fact for the last thirty years plus we’ve enjoyed lots of happy times together. Maybe he is thinking of his parents we can’t be sure of that really , all we know is how sad we feel for him ... we keep thinking of him all alone and wondering why we had to make the decision to place him in care , until the most recent lockdown we were visiting regularly, he would constantly say he’d be happier with us and he was lonely, it’s awful ... despite him being very well cared for it’s not the same as being with family , heartbreaking situation.
Yes, it is sad once they get to the stage of being in a care home, but if he is saying that he is lonely when he has people around him 24/7 and is never actually alone then the unhappiness is probably internal and he wont be any happier when living with you. He may be expressing the desire to go somewhere else and leave the confusion of dementia behind, not realising that he will merely bring it with him.
Peope with dementia are incredibly hard to care for in your home. Dementia will take everything that you have and still want more. I really wouldnt recommend it.
Peope with dementia are incredibly hard to care for in your home. Dementia will take everything that you have and still want more. I really wouldnt recommend it.
I can imagine how worrying it is for you @Georgesgirl53 and I'm not sure what the legal situation would be. I do know however that your uncle's Alzheimers will progress and although you may be able to care for him at home at his current stage things will only deteriorate. Your uncle will eventually need care 24/7, he may need changing and feeding, bed bound etc. Please research on the progression of this horrible disease, and read threads on here so you get a full picture of just how difficult the caring can become. It is a huge decision to give up your job to care, with no guarantee of how long this could be for. Please think seriously about this. Hopefully the visiting situation in care homes will start to improve and you will be able to spend time with your uncle, taking him out for day trips etc
Many thanks for that , sadly yes we realise things are likely to get a lot worse than they are at the moment ... despite my having care experience I appreciate that when it’s one of your own relatives it would be a lot harder to deal with . We feel guilty for the situation but at the time there really was no alternative. Alzheimer’s is a cruel disease which can be slow and heartbreaking, leading to one final outcome . Having to make the decision to leave him where he is with his wonderful carers or have him with us does need very careful consideration and it does have to be the best thing for him - not us . We obviously want him here with us but realistically deep down we don’t think it can happen , sadly . A part of me thinks I can cope , then again the emotional side of things would probably be too much to bear . Thank you .
Thank you yes your right , his unhappiness is more than likely internal I agree with you ... it pulls at your heart strings when your relative is upset and asking to come home with you , leaving visits in tears knowing how upset they are is horrible. Deep down the right decision is to leave him where he is with professional carers who can handle the situation without the deep emotional attachment that we have . It’s just hard , thank you .
