Hi,
Thank you in advance to anyone who is able to take the time to read my very long post!
Does anyone have experience similar to mine with my mum? How do I get her to go into a home - as she can no longer live with my vulnerable stepdad - when she is completely unaware of her condition while strangely at the same time aggressively in denial and prone to massive outbursts?
She is becoming more and more frequently verbally abusive, and has on a couple of occasions hit my stepdad and threatened to kill him, and says she wants to die. (He said he didn't think she would do anything.) She yells, swears and slams doors. In between things are apparently relatively stable but as time goes on, I get the impression these calmer patches are shorter, and fewer and farther between. In fact, when I dare to think about it, I think things are pretty bad most of the time now.
I say 'impression' because I can hardly ever get to speak to my stepdad, it is incredibly frustrating. I live 1.5 hours away, have a young family and work every day, so I can only visit at the weekend. Up until my last visit I have always had an opportunity, albeit pretty brief, to have a quiet chat with my stepdad while my mum goes off to rummage or something. However, she never left our side last time, and when they came over to visit last weekend, she stayed with me the whole time. So my stepdad had to give an update to my partner. They get on ok, but it really ought to be me, as I fear he dilutes the seriousness of the situation for him. Communication by email is out of the question, he is not allowed near the computer which used to be her domain, doesn't own an iPad and only has an old-style mobile phone which is rarely on. She is always right there when I call - he has no way of getting away from her to make a private phone call. So he is trapped. He is physically more and more vulnerable, and can't move around very well.
My mum can physically still look after herself, although she's getting very 'shuffly', doesn't wash her hair often and sometimes wears dirty trousers. She also remembers all the family's names including my partner and my two children. However, her short-term memory appears to be a mere few seconds long. In short, I imagine in her head it feels like she is literally losing her grip. Any suggestion of memory or health problems is at best dismissed, at worst aggressively denied. She was extremely rude to the community nurse from the mental health clinic who made a home visit, but her manner and dishevelled, manic appearance was all the nurse needed to witness to realise things are bad.
Miraculously my mum does have a diagnosis - she has Alzheimers. The community nurse arranged for a CT scan. Thankfully the appointment letter went directly to my mum, (she would have laid into my stepdad - verbally - if it'd gone to him as her carer) and although it made her extremely angry and she hid it for 2 weeks, the letter re-appeared on the day of the appointment she suddenly decided she was going to go. The community nurse phoned to find out if they'd gone to the scan. My mum answered but refused to speak to 'that woman' (how can she even remember who this woman is, it is horribly spooky). She threw the phone at my stepdad when the nurse asked to speak to my him instead - as this just clearly proves that he is plotting against her. Surely all the nurse had to do was use her contacts to find out if my mum had had her scan? My stepdad said he had a 'bad day' after that phone call. Finally there was an ill-fated visit from a new doctor from the mental health clinic who (a) did not realise that the appointment had been cancelled (due to my mum saying she would refuse to speak to anyone) and (b) incredibly, suggested my mum have a scan, having no idea she’d had just had one. However, the doctor was then able to look up the results on her laptop/iPad/phone. Apparently there followed more memory tests (a pure waste of time in my opinion), she was asked if she could make meals, my mum turned on the charm and said she had 'this lovely man' to cook for her. Apparently she did not give any particular reaction when she was told she has Alzheimers. After the doctor left, she went into a rage, but I don't know exactly what happened.
Basically, my stepdad has indicated that he "doesn't know what he's doing it for anymore". As he is usually fairly understated, I take this as "Please get me out of this situation as soon as possible." So, I need to get her into a home but I have no idea how or where to start looking, what their financial situation is (because my stepdad has previously been coy about this, and now I can't get to speak to him at all). And of course, the biggest problem of all, I have no idea how we'd ever get her over the threshold of a home.
My brother lives 3.5 hours away and has not been (nor wanted to be) as involved, so it is mostly down to me. He and I looked at a couple of homes in my local area back in the spring, but he accepted that it was still too early for her to go into one (he wanted to get it done right away at that point). I think the situation is different now.
There is a lot of information and advice on dementia out there, but not much of it covers the situation where the person thinks that any concern shown for their health is an evil plot against them...and in any case, would instantly forget any conversation about a diagnosis, the need to go into care, anything like that. My stepdad has already a power of attorney in place for each of them, but I am not really how it works - I need to find out about that.
If you've got to the end of this post, thank you for sticking with it. I basically have one question - how do you get someone into a care home against their will?
Thank you in advance to anyone who is able to take the time to read my very long post!
Does anyone have experience similar to mine with my mum? How do I get her to go into a home - as she can no longer live with my vulnerable stepdad - when she is completely unaware of her condition while strangely at the same time aggressively in denial and prone to massive outbursts?
She is becoming more and more frequently verbally abusive, and has on a couple of occasions hit my stepdad and threatened to kill him, and says she wants to die. (He said he didn't think she would do anything.) She yells, swears and slams doors. In between things are apparently relatively stable but as time goes on, I get the impression these calmer patches are shorter, and fewer and farther between. In fact, when I dare to think about it, I think things are pretty bad most of the time now.
I say 'impression' because I can hardly ever get to speak to my stepdad, it is incredibly frustrating. I live 1.5 hours away, have a young family and work every day, so I can only visit at the weekend. Up until my last visit I have always had an opportunity, albeit pretty brief, to have a quiet chat with my stepdad while my mum goes off to rummage or something. However, she never left our side last time, and when they came over to visit last weekend, she stayed with me the whole time. So my stepdad had to give an update to my partner. They get on ok, but it really ought to be me, as I fear he dilutes the seriousness of the situation for him. Communication by email is out of the question, he is not allowed near the computer which used to be her domain, doesn't own an iPad and only has an old-style mobile phone which is rarely on. She is always right there when I call - he has no way of getting away from her to make a private phone call. So he is trapped. He is physically more and more vulnerable, and can't move around very well.
My mum can physically still look after herself, although she's getting very 'shuffly', doesn't wash her hair often and sometimes wears dirty trousers. She also remembers all the family's names including my partner and my two children. However, her short-term memory appears to be a mere few seconds long. In short, I imagine in her head it feels like she is literally losing her grip. Any suggestion of memory or health problems is at best dismissed, at worst aggressively denied. She was extremely rude to the community nurse from the mental health clinic who made a home visit, but her manner and dishevelled, manic appearance was all the nurse needed to witness to realise things are bad.
Miraculously my mum does have a diagnosis - she has Alzheimers. The community nurse arranged for a CT scan. Thankfully the appointment letter went directly to my mum, (she would have laid into my stepdad - verbally - if it'd gone to him as her carer) and although it made her extremely angry and she hid it for 2 weeks, the letter re-appeared on the day of the appointment she suddenly decided she was going to go. The community nurse phoned to find out if they'd gone to the scan. My mum answered but refused to speak to 'that woman' (how can she even remember who this woman is, it is horribly spooky). She threw the phone at my stepdad when the nurse asked to speak to my him instead - as this just clearly proves that he is plotting against her. Surely all the nurse had to do was use her contacts to find out if my mum had had her scan? My stepdad said he had a 'bad day' after that phone call. Finally there was an ill-fated visit from a new doctor from the mental health clinic who (a) did not realise that the appointment had been cancelled (due to my mum saying she would refuse to speak to anyone) and (b) incredibly, suggested my mum have a scan, having no idea she’d had just had one. However, the doctor was then able to look up the results on her laptop/iPad/phone. Apparently there followed more memory tests (a pure waste of time in my opinion), she was asked if she could make meals, my mum turned on the charm and said she had 'this lovely man' to cook for her. Apparently she did not give any particular reaction when she was told she has Alzheimers. After the doctor left, she went into a rage, but I don't know exactly what happened.
Basically, my stepdad has indicated that he "doesn't know what he's doing it for anymore". As he is usually fairly understated, I take this as "Please get me out of this situation as soon as possible." So, I need to get her into a home but I have no idea how or where to start looking, what their financial situation is (because my stepdad has previously been coy about this, and now I can't get to speak to him at all). And of course, the biggest problem of all, I have no idea how we'd ever get her over the threshold of a home.
My brother lives 3.5 hours away and has not been (nor wanted to be) as involved, so it is mostly down to me. He and I looked at a couple of homes in my local area back in the spring, but he accepted that it was still too early for her to go into one (he wanted to get it done right away at that point). I think the situation is different now.
There is a lot of information and advice on dementia out there, but not much of it covers the situation where the person thinks that any concern shown for their health is an evil plot against them...and in any case, would instantly forget any conversation about a diagnosis, the need to go into care, anything like that. My stepdad has already a power of attorney in place for each of them, but I am not really how it works - I need to find out about that.
If you've got to the end of this post, thank you for sticking with it. I basically have one question - how do you get someone into a care home against their will?
