Care Home Advice

Dawag

Registered User
Aug 8, 2021
107
0
So Mum has finally gone into a Residential Home it is a really good one and staff are lovely. Mum is crying all the time wanting to come home won’t leave her room. She is so upset that I could “trick” her into this she is fully aware she can’t come home although no one has said that to her but she is not easily fooled
The Managed is going to app,y for a DOLS order ,
I am feeling in bits, did I start the process too early? Her dementia presents in severe anxiety and panic she can do nothing for herself although she is not easily fooled by “love lies”
but it had got to the stage where I couldn’t leave the room even to wash my hair and had to sleep with her!
GP won’t prescribe any medication as mum takes Oxazipam to help her sleep
i just can’t stop crying but I had to go home to my husband who has been very Ill and was being looked after by his brother and sister in law. I am all my Mother has now and we made the decision that I should stay with her which I have for a year now (my brother who doesn’t live locally) came on day Mum went in but nothing since.
mum has been in for a week
Have I done right thing? Mum did make the decision to go and was very brave on the day. But now she says she was doing it temporarily for me and though we would both go ! She misses her home (which we will have to sell) and I understand that
Sorry for rant but feel so awful. X
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,005
0
72
Dundee
Not a rant at all @Dawag. I can understand why you are in bits.

To be honest I think you’ve made the right decision. Your husband needs you and you need time to step back. Your mum will be well looked after.

Take care.
 

Muttimuggle

Registered User
Dec 28, 2021
710
0
I feel for you. I might be facing the same situation in several weeks. Mum has actually suggested a care home this week. She fluctuates in her confusion and on a good day she wouldn't be fooled either. I was surprised she finally suggested this and I am hoping to not be in your situation in time. She is in hospital at the moment. My brother stays away a lot, goes abroad where he owns another home, doesn't involve himself much except to criticise what I decide to do. I am scared of my mother changing her mind but I am also finding it hard to cope. She was lonely, in my opinion with just carers coming into my home. I had been visiting her more often before her recent fall and femur fracture which landed her in hospital. I suffer chronic pain and being on my feet is a struggle so I need her to be safer and I also think that she is essentially a sociable person who has been hiding herself away(Pandemic didn't help).... to avoid people noticing her confusion. I'd be interested to know how your mother gets on. I really hope she settles. Many more experienced people on here say it always takes time.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,418
0
Newcastle
It will be hard at first @Dawag but I hope that your Mum will settle as she gets used to the place. A week is not long enough to tell. You, and she, have done what is needed and right. There is no room for remorse or guilt in that.

If a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding Authorisation is granted this will be on the grounds that the care home is the least restrictive option that enables her to be kept and cared for in a safe place. She will probably be deemed to be unable to make a rational, informed and consistent decision about her place of residence and at risk if not under supervised care. This is standard practice and will protect her rights whilst catering for her needs.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Dawag , my mother's dementia presented in a different way to your mum's in that it wasn't so much anxiety but her reckless behaviour that caused me to move her into care. Mum too was very upset and spent a lot of the first few months there trying to escape, even though there were also times when she enjoyed herself. The home applied for a DoLS and I found it comforting that it confirmed that mum no longer had the ability to make informed decisions about where she lived.
I wonder if it is worth asking the home to get someone from adult mental health to visit your mum and look at what could be done to relieve her anxiety. I'm sure there must be something that would help her feel less worried about it all.
 

Dawag

Registered User
Aug 8, 2021
107
0
Thank you everyone for your advice. The Home have Asked for a visit from Mental Heakth Team she basically just wants things back as they were with just her and me anyway I am not visiting today as have been advised not to mums brother in law is going to visit they get on well x
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,680
0
Midlands
Thank you everyone for your advice. The Home have Asked for a visit from Mental Heakth Team she basically just wants things back as they were with just her and me anyway I am not visiting today as have been advised not to mums brother in law is going to visit they get on well x
hang onto the fact that you both have needs and wants- and you have a husband, an ill one at that.
What she wants simply cannot happen- her needs cannot trump yours.

Hang on in there. x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I agree with jessbow. My mum wanted me to leave my OH (I am his carer) and go and live with her to look after her. It was never going to happen, but mum could not see this. She had lost the ability to see things from anyone elses viewpoint. All she could see were her own wants needs and comforts, so in her eyes I was being extremely unreasonable.

What your mum wants is simply not possible either, but she cannot see this.
She will settle, but it will take time.
xx
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
102
0
Hi @Dawag - I agree you have done the right thing but also agree it is SO hard. Moving my mother into a care home was the hardest thing I have ever done but nearly a year on I know it was the right thing. Doesn’t stop it being painful though, but - particularly as you trust the home and its staff - it is the only thing to keep your mum safe and she will eventually settle, I promise you! You just have to hold on and it will get easier.
 

Dawag

Registered User
Aug 8, 2021
107
0
Thank you have found your advice comforting and helpful. Can anyone advise as to why Mum who for last 6 months at home could not be left on her own in a room her fear and anxiety were real and had to have me sleeping in her bed. Now won’t leave her room in Care Home although carers come in and out ?
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
102
0
Not leaving her room might just be a part of getting used to the new situation? My mum was in her room a LOT in the first months and I used to despair of her joining in with the home’s (good and quite varied) activities. But eventually she’s in the loung a lot more when I visit and even doing craft projects which she would never have done in the past. Your mum will find her way I am sure: but it’s still very early days and I remember how horribly upsetting it all is when you’re separated from your PWD who has occupied ALL your time and thoughts for years. It’s probably even harder for you than it is for her. But you have done the right thing.
 

Sushar

Registered User
Jul 22, 2022
44
0
Marler 19 , your Words have given me hope My mum is 6 weeks into a care home and has decided that she is very sad and doesn’t want to be there She will not join in unless me or my sister are there with her I think she’s frightened and does nt trust the carers but I suppose this may come with a bit more time We wanted her to be happy and safe in the time she had left and thought she would enjoy the company Sadly it’s just awful visiting at the minute as she’s so anxious and sad ?
 

Dawag

Registered User
Aug 8, 2021
107
0
My Mum has now been in the care home for 3 weeks. She is still unhappy and stays in her room but is calmer. I agree Sushar visiting is awful I go every other day but she is looking for me when I’m not there. Today she said I had done a terrible thing to her. she has chatted to a couple of people but generally just sits in her room . The Carers are very kind and try to involve her Thankyou for your words Marler19 they are hopeful x
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
102
0
Thank you @Sushar and @Dawag - I am glad my replies were helpful. It is SO sad - and I really feel for you both - but my mother is living proof that someone can adapt to a care home situation and probably will given time… I have also adapted to it myself, and, while I still have desperately sad moments, I have been able to get on with life knowing my mum is safe and cared for. All the best to you both!!
 

Lesley Ann

Registered User
Aug 26, 2022
13
0
So Mum has finally gone into a Residential Home it is a really good one and staff are lovely. Mum is crying all the time wanting to come home won’t leave her room. She is so upset that I could “trick” her into this she is fully aware she can’t come home although no one has said that to her but she is not easily fooled
The Managed is going to app,y for a DOLS order ,
I am feeling in bits, did I start the process too early? Her dementia presents in severe anxiety and panic she can do nothing for herself although she is not easily fooled by “love lies”
but it had got to the stage where I couldn’t leave the room even to wash my hair and had to sleep with her!
GP won’t prescribe any medication as mum takes Oxazipam to help her sleep
i just can’t stop crying but I had to go home to my husband who has been very Ill and was being looked after by his brother and sister in law. I am all my Mother has now and we made the decision that I should stay with her which I have for a year now (my brother who doesn’t live locally) came on day Mum went in but nothing since.
mum has been in for a week
Have I done right thing? Mum did make the decision to go and was very brave on the day. But now she says she was doing it temporarily for me and though we would both go ! She misses her home (which we will have to sell) and I understand that
Sorry for rant but feel so awful. X
Hi, my dad had a DOLS applied a few days ago by the hospital as he was wandering around and trying to leave. I am also find it very difficult to deal with all of this, he is now in a dementia unit for assessment. I think at the end of the day we have to accept dementia will not go away but only get worse. So if we can put things in place now, even though they don’t like it and want to come home, surely in the end that will work out the best thing for them. It is very hard though isn’t it xx
 

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