sorry to bother anyone, my elderly mother has recently (about 6 weeks ago) gone into a care home due to dementia. She is fairly unsettled but has moments of actually enjoying some of it. Anyway one thing I am struggling to know what to do about is, she continually packs up all her belongings in the readiness for going home, which is clearly not happening. It gets me down as I stupidly (possibly) reassure her and during my regular visits start to unpack and put her clothes back into drawers, photos back out on display trying to say the photo frames might get damaged and doctors are reviewing her at the moment, so until that’s done there is no point packing, she acknowledges that, believe it or not, but the next day, everything is packed into bags again. My question is should I continue unpacking or just leave all her photos and clothes, personal possessions in the bags and not worry myself, or should I keep setting her room out to being nice and homely again?
Care home advice - packing to go home
- Thread starter Highland Dougie
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Hello @Dougie Sinclair and a warm welcome to TP
I would say you are doing everything right, distraction for how long she needs to hear it is fine..
Difficult if she is constantly packing but yes if you can keep unpacking and putting everything back and hope that she sees it more as her space soon.
Now you have found us I hope you will continue to post it is a knowledgable and friendly forum
I would say you are doing everything right, distraction for how long she needs to hear it is fine..
Difficult if she is constantly packing but yes if you can keep unpacking and putting everything back and hope that she sees it more as her space soon.
Now you have found us I hope you will continue to post it is a knowledgable and friendly forum
Hello @Dougie Sinclair, welcome to TP. I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.
I don’t have experience of this issue but know that similar behaviour has been discussed previously so I’m sure members will be along tomorrow to give the benefit of their experience.
I do recall that others have previously used the ruse that the Drs still need to assess things so I think you are doing the right thing.
Maybe it would ease your mind if you were to ask the staff how your mother behaves when you aren’t around as I know of cases where staff have reported how the person is settled at other times. Some members hide the fact that they are ‘visiting’ by leaving coats etc., outside in the car or whatever so it appears that they are just walking in and out of a room as they would at home - they wait for a moment of distraction like a meal time to slip away.
I don’t have experience of this issue but know that similar behaviour has been discussed previously so I’m sure members will be along tomorrow to give the benefit of their experience.
I do recall that others have previously used the ruse that the Drs still need to assess things so I think you are doing the right thing.
Maybe it would ease your mind if you were to ask the staff how your mother behaves when you aren’t around as I know of cases where staff have reported how the person is settled at other times. Some members hide the fact that they are ‘visiting’ by leaving coats etc., outside in the car or whatever so it appears that they are just walking in and out of a room as they would at home - they wait for a moment of distraction like a meal time to slip away.
My mum did this when she first moved into her home - she would pinch the bags out of bins and use then to "pack" her stuff, but she did stop once she was settled. She used to do this at night when she was sundowning
I dont know if it made any difference, but I never used to unpack in front of her, but would do it while she down in the lounge so that she didnt see me. I wanted her to forget about packing and thought that if she saw me unpacking it might make her more determined to pack it all up again.
I dont know if it made any difference, but I never used to unpack in front of her, but would do it while she down in the lounge so that she didnt see me. I wanted her to forget about packing and thought that if she saw me unpacking it might make her more determined to pack it all up again.
What bags is your mother using to pack her things? If she still has cases/bags in her room from her arrival could these be removed? It might help as they will act as a 'trigger' with regards packing/home. If she is using the bags from the bins like Canary's mum then it will be more difficult to manage.
How often are you visiting? It may help to visit less frequently for a while to help your mother to settle. If she thinks that you are coming to take her home each time you visit that might explain why is packing up her things. Could you maybe not visit for a week or so, to see if this stops the daily packing? You could still speak to the home every day to see how she is.
How often are you visiting? It may help to visit less frequently for a while to help your mother to settle. If she thinks that you are coming to take her home each time you visit that might explain why is packing up her things. Could you maybe not visit for a week or so, to see if this stops the daily packing? You could still speak to the home every day to see how she is.
my husband spent nine weeks in an assessment unit before going into his nursing home. He spent weeks with his coat on and his clothes tucked under his arms. We visited daily and he was always by the door looking out.
We arrived one day and he wasn’t there nor was he in his room. I saw the male nurse who was usually with him and he said go and look in the small lounge. He was sitting in a chair chatting away to another male nurse and drinking tea and eating cake. He had no coat on and there were no clothes. From that day he was never at the door when we arrived.
It takes time to settle, to get used to different surroundings. When you’re dealing with dementia it takes longer. I was very distressed by his behaviour because he was so unsettled and I couldn’t help him. I walked out that day with a grin on my face that was there for days.
We arrived one day and he wasn’t there nor was he in his room. I saw the male nurse who was usually with him and he said go and look in the small lounge. He was sitting in a chair chatting away to another male nurse and drinking tea and eating cake. He had no coat on and there were no clothes. From that day he was never at the door when we arrived.
It takes time to settle, to get used to different surroundings. When you’re dealing with dementia it takes longer. I was very distressed by his behaviour because he was so unsettled and I couldn’t help him. I walked out that day with a grin on my face that was there for days.
My mother packed every day for the first two months she was in care. We removed all suitcases and bags, but she was determined and would find and use bin liners. Eventually it stopped but yes, it surely was a tiring experience while it lasted.
Thank you , some good advice there about reducing my visits, she is in fact using bin bags supplied by staff.
Hello everyone, thank you so much for that, yes mum is using small bin bags which strangely enough are actually provided to her by the staff, they seem to think it saves her from getting distressed any further and gives her some purpose. When I am there I can chat to her whilst unpacking her stuff, she may say what am I doing (as she is going home) and I have been saying, well its only Tuesday and the Doctor is not here until Friday, so lets just put things away until then. I have also gone into the Care home to be told she is in the main lounge, so check her room and if the stuff is packed, I unpack it before I head through to see her. My (probably over-sensitive thought) is that if I cut back on visits, I just sit there thinking of her being in her "bare roome" with none of her photos (grandchildren and great grandchildren etc) around her. I do ask the staff to try to unpack for her at the correct time etc, but with me not going in, can't be sure it is being done, as everytime I go in, she is packed. Incidentally my dad who is also 87 has dementia but not at a care home stage, when he goes in to visit, my mum gives him some ear-bashing about never coming in to visit (which he does regularly) grief about stealing her pension, to be honest until recently Inever really thought much about dementia, yes I knew people were living longer and on occasion this was a result of extended life, but it is a real eye-opener, I feel so helpless and reading many of these post in this Forum there are people dealing with much worse than me, it is a journey and not one I look forward to, as today is probably as good as its going to get. Thanks again to everyone who has replied thus far, much appreciated.
Could you arrange for the photos to be hung up on the walls? We did that in Mum's care home room, although that was because there was limited shelf space rather than because she kept packing them up. She can see the photos but they are too high up for her to reach, plus we have a smaller album of family photos that we can go through when we visit. Perhaps that would be an option you could try? We asked the home and they got their 'handy man' to put them up for us.
