Hello, first time ever posting on a forum but feel so sad and dont know how to handle the admission of my mother-in-law into a (lovely) care home next week.
My mother-in-law (I call her mum, have been married to her son for 30yrs and always had a great relationship)is now 84 and has had demtia for probably 4 years although only diagnosed in the last 6 months. She lives alone in a chalet bungalow with all ammenities on the ground floor. Her memory has been failing for some time now and back in the summer we were forced to get help from the SS, she was not looking after herself.
Myself and my sister-in-law visit every day as we both work full time and have families of our own we are limited on the help we can provide, our husbands see their mother as often as they can, mine works shift work so pops in around 4 times a week and brother-in-law can only manage weekends as he works in London. She has always enjoyed our visits, relying on them as she is a bit of a recluse, does not go out nor wants to, she spends her days sitting in a chair with a wordsearch puzzle on her lap, she refuses the TV, does not listen to music or read.
The SS recommended a care agency to attend to mum three times a day for 30 mins a session, to get her up and supervise breakfast again at lunchtime to prepare a microwave meal and again in the evening to get her ready for bed, she took to this reasonable well although can never remember the carers or what they do, she insists she never sees anyone (including us, has said on a couple of occasions 'I have not seen Sue for ages' when I am Sue) recently over the last couple of months she has been getting very distressed in the evenings, phoning us up and asking to be shot as she cannot bear living any longer, she is just so confused, keeps turning off the central heating.
We have never been completely happy with the careers and have raised our concerns on a number of occassions, the soap never seems to be used although they insist she has had a wash etc).
things came to a head on the Sunday before Christmas when my brother-in-law went in to see her at 11:45 only to find her sitting eating her lunch (she doesnt get up until 9:30) on checking the book it recorded the career arriving at 12:00 and leaving at 12:30 which was clearly not the case.
We had discussed care homes in the past and knew this would be the route we would have to go down eventually. My husband made a promise to mum a long time ago that we would do everything possible to keep her at home, but the time has come when she is at danger alone in a large house even with all the care we have provided.
We have found a marvelous case home - Sunrise senior living just a couple of miles from home and have just had the call to arrange her admission - set for Wednesday 16th Jan, knowing you are doing the right thing does not make this any easier.
Now for the question, Although we have talked to Mum about leaving she is adament she does not want to leave her home (although two minutes later cannot recall the conversation)
Our plan is for my sister-in-law to pick her up in the miring and take her back to her house, meantime myself and the two sons will collect the van and move her belonging. We will phone when the room is ready and then myself and my jusband will leave, it is thought it will be easier on mum if just one couple is present. The care home have suggested that we leave her for a couple of days to settle in, we are can phone to check on her progress which we will do and hope to visit at the weekend.
How can we make this transition as painless as possible for her, I keep thinking if my children took me out for the day and deposited me in a strange place never to see my home again I would be distraught. We can talk to her but she wont remember our conversations making it so hard to pave the way.
Sorry this is soo long, I know many of you are managing to care for loved ones at home but this is just not possible for us. We have made sure that we have chosen a great home - just hope the money dosent run out, but will cross that bridge when and if we come to it.
p.s. the care home have suggested we tell her it is just for a holiday but I am not happy with lying
My mother-in-law (I call her mum, have been married to her son for 30yrs and always had a great relationship)is now 84 and has had demtia for probably 4 years although only diagnosed in the last 6 months. She lives alone in a chalet bungalow with all ammenities on the ground floor. Her memory has been failing for some time now and back in the summer we were forced to get help from the SS, she was not looking after herself.
Myself and my sister-in-law visit every day as we both work full time and have families of our own we are limited on the help we can provide, our husbands see their mother as often as they can, mine works shift work so pops in around 4 times a week and brother-in-law can only manage weekends as he works in London. She has always enjoyed our visits, relying on them as she is a bit of a recluse, does not go out nor wants to, she spends her days sitting in a chair with a wordsearch puzzle on her lap, she refuses the TV, does not listen to music or read.
The SS recommended a care agency to attend to mum three times a day for 30 mins a session, to get her up and supervise breakfast again at lunchtime to prepare a microwave meal and again in the evening to get her ready for bed, she took to this reasonable well although can never remember the carers or what they do, she insists she never sees anyone (including us, has said on a couple of occasions 'I have not seen Sue for ages' when I am Sue) recently over the last couple of months she has been getting very distressed in the evenings, phoning us up and asking to be shot as she cannot bear living any longer, she is just so confused, keeps turning off the central heating.
We have never been completely happy with the careers and have raised our concerns on a number of occassions, the soap never seems to be used although they insist she has had a wash etc).
things came to a head on the Sunday before Christmas when my brother-in-law went in to see her at 11:45 only to find her sitting eating her lunch (she doesnt get up until 9:30) on checking the book it recorded the career arriving at 12:00 and leaving at 12:30 which was clearly not the case.
We had discussed care homes in the past and knew this would be the route we would have to go down eventually. My husband made a promise to mum a long time ago that we would do everything possible to keep her at home, but the time has come when she is at danger alone in a large house even with all the care we have provided.
We have found a marvelous case home - Sunrise senior living just a couple of miles from home and have just had the call to arrange her admission - set for Wednesday 16th Jan, knowing you are doing the right thing does not make this any easier.
Now for the question, Although we have talked to Mum about leaving she is adament she does not want to leave her home (although two minutes later cannot recall the conversation)
Our plan is for my sister-in-law to pick her up in the miring and take her back to her house, meantime myself and the two sons will collect the van and move her belonging. We will phone when the room is ready and then myself and my jusband will leave, it is thought it will be easier on mum if just one couple is present. The care home have suggested that we leave her for a couple of days to settle in, we are can phone to check on her progress which we will do and hope to visit at the weekend.
How can we make this transition as painless as possible for her, I keep thinking if my children took me out for the day and deposited me in a strange place never to see my home again I would be distraught. We can talk to her but she wont remember our conversations making it so hard to pave the way.
Sorry this is soo long, I know many of you are managing to care for loved ones at home but this is just not possible for us. We have made sure that we have chosen a great home - just hope the money dosent run out, but will cross that bridge when and if we come to it.
p.s. the care home have suggested we tell her it is just for a holiday but I am not happy with lying