Care home admission

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by MShayne, Nov 17, 2015.

  1. MShayne

    MShayne Registered User

    Dec 5, 2013
    Witham Essex
    My husband has had Alzheimers for 4yrs. Regretably we put him into a care home three days ago as it was getting increasingly difficult for me to care for him. People now expect me to start living again but I feel so lost and alone. I knew it had to happen and I knew it would'nt be easy but I didn't know it would be quite this bad. It feels like a bereavement and I cry for him but of course I'm crying for the man he was. He doesn't know I'm his wife, have been for fifty one years. Things have been getting me down and my kids said I couldn't do it any longer. They think I am going to feel better overnight but I know I wont. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Just wanted someone to talk to. B.
  2. AndreaP

    AndreaP Registered User

    The first few weeks are really tough. I felt a lot of guilt about my mum eg could I/should I have done more? Also worried about visiting her and having to hear the complaints which made me more depressed. It seemed to replace one living hell with another.

    It's been 3 months now and it's got much easier. It was so clearly the right decision that the guilt has dissipated. Visiting isn't easy but I go an hour before meal time so I can leave without distressing her when it's time to go to the dining room. Everyone does this, it's impossible to get a park before meals!

    You just need to learn to live differently plus you are going through the grief cycle for what you have lost. It will be gradual but one day you will discover a new routine has replaced the old and things look positive for the future. Just ride it out and be assured that day will come if that is truly what you want. Your husband's disease was nobody's fault and you must not sacrifice your happiness on the altar of this horrible affliction.
  3. pamann

    pamann Registered User

    Oct 28, 2013
    Hello MShayne welcome to TP, like you l had to make the decision to put my hubby into a CH, we have been married 51yrs, he has had AD for 10yrs, l could not look after him any more. It is very hard for you, l know what you are going through, l do have my very supportive family and friends, after 10wks my hubby has settled, and is very happy, l visit twice a day, my hubby didn't know me when he was at home, but now we are not living together he knows who l am, and is always so pleased to see me, is your hubby far from you? Is it too far for you to visit every day? I do play bowls 5 days a week, you must try to have something to do that you enjoy. I lost the love of my life 2yrs ago, but now he is happy l feel l have him back in my life, l wish you well and hope you will soon feel better.
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello MShayne

    I feel as pamann does. My relationship with my husband improved beyond expectations once he was in residential care. It was uncanny and the last thing I expected.

    Please give it some time. See it as sharing the caring. The carers at the home are doing the donkey work so you can recharge your batteries and get some strength back.

    This is not so you can start gadding about enjoying yourself. Your friends have no idea. You still have a seriously ill husband who needs your support as much as ever.

    Have patience. Things will improve, I`m sure.
  5. Jean1234

    Jean1234 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    A big hug from your TP friends.
  6. CollegeGirl

    CollegeGirl Registered User

    Jan 19, 2011
    North East England
    #6 CollegeGirl, Nov 18, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2015
    Thank you all for sharing your thoughts, this is an insightful thread. I would like my mam to go to live in a nursing home so that dad could 'get his life back' but reading all your posts helps me understand that things are not that simple.

    Hugs to you all - MShayne, welcome to TP, and I do hope that things get easier for you in time. xx
  7. Trisha4

    Trisha4 Registered User

    Jan 16, 2014
    Hi. I don't know what it's like because I haven't got there yet but I dread it. We went to a memory cafe last week and two of the people there were husbands / carers whose wives were in care homes. They were devastated, felt redundant and still needed the support of others at the memory cafe. So I can only assume that your feelings are totally normal. I hope things get easier but I can understand it can't be an overnight fix. Hugs from me x

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  8. Emac

    Emac Registered User

    Mar 2, 2013
    getting your life back...

    it's such a strain and a big responsibility looking after someone with dementia it is easy for others to assume you will only feel relief when they go into care but as others have said, it's much more complicated than that. Take the time you need to grieve the change in your living circumstances and adjust to the new situation. Whatever you feel is Ok and the feelings will change in time as you adjust to the new arrangements. Take care xx
  9. MShayne

    MShayne Registered User

    Dec 5, 2013
    Witham Essex
    Thanks Emac, at least I know I sent it right. Bit new to

  10. MShayne

    MShayne Registered User

    Dec 5, 2013
    Witham Essex
    xThanks so much to everyone who replied to me. I look forward to seeing OH tomorrowxx

  11. Jinx

    Jinx Registered User

    Mar 13, 2014
    MShayne, my husband went into full time care two weeks ago, I had very mixed feelings about it but he had deteriorated very quickly and after a four week stay in hospital it was agreed it was in his best interest. I was sceptical but now have to admit it is the right place for him, he is so much calmer and the staff spoil him as there aren't many men in his unit. I try and visit most days but I'm trying not to set a regular pattern in case there are days, like today, when I can't go. We have been married 41 years but I am 18 years younger and still working full time so have that distraction, otherwise I think I would have found the change much harder. I hope all goes well and your husband settles in quickly. xxx

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  12. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    MShayne it's such early days and of course you are still feeling shell shocked and as if you are bereaved. You are also suddenly faced with not having hubby to care for 24/7 so there will be a period of adjustment which will take time. And you must take as much time as you need, there is no set period for this.

    One day, hopefully quite soon, you will feel ready to accept that lunch invitation or whatever from your friends and tentatively start living again but don't feel you have to be pushed into anything before you are ready. But do keep up the communication with them so that they know how you are feeling about things and that you are not dismissing them because you don't want them around (people who haven't cared for a loved one with a life limiting illness rarely understand how it makes you feel unless you smack them in the face with it!)
  13. Mossyanne1

    Mossyanne1 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    Hi everyone, my OH went Into to care 12 weeks ago and unfortunately this has hit me really hard. My doctor tells me it is normal in the circumstances but I feel so low and weepy all the time. I am really trying hard to get myself together so I do understand how you must be feeling. I keep being told to take one day at a time. Much

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

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