1. shellysunshine

    shellysunshine New member

    Jun 24, 2019
    4
    Hi, after a really turbulent few months my 84 year old dad was admitted to a residential care home. This followed a series of admissions to A&E after falls, UTI's etc. The last fall a week ago. I managed to get dad assessed and he failed the capacity test. We were then tasked with finding a suitable care home which we were lucky to find. On Friday the hospital discharged him to the care home. Whilst in hospital dad was very agitated, ringing me and saying that he was getting out. We had hoped that his behaviour was due to the hospital environment but sadly he continues to behave in the same manner. Telling us that he's not staying, wants to go home. Calls me mainly in the afternoon and evening demanding that I collect him. He has packed his bag every day. Tried to call for a taxi, fortunately we had suspended his taxi account and subsequently removed the contact number from his phone. We are exhausted with trying to cope with his behaviour. I have spoken to our mental health team who advised we speak in the first instance with the care home and should they want imput then they can request them to visit. They also say that it can sometimes take several weeks for someone to settle. I have read various forums and see that my dads behaviour is not unique. If anyone can offer any advice as to how we his family deal with the behaviour that would be helpful. I read that sometimes letting the person settle in without daily visits can help as we are constant reminders of his previous home life. Again anyone's thoughts would be appreciated. Dealing with Dementia isn't new to me as sadly my mum had the illness and lived in a care home for 3 years until she died in April this year. My mum was always quite content and I think felt the home provided safety. However my dad is a very different character, still thinks he is safe and able to live independently, doesn't see any danger and can't see risks that he poses to himself. Thanks for taking the time to read.
     
  2. Lorna44

    Lorna44 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2016
    179
    Female
    Surrey
    #2 Lorna44, Nov 11, 2019
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2019
    It took my mum about 2 months to settle, without packing to come home.
    And even then there was odd occasions where she would have the hump and want to leave!
    It was also recommended to reduce visits to allow her to settle.
    I see that your dad has a mobile phone, it may be best that it's taken away from him, goes 'missing' or is 'broken' so he can't call whenever he wants. My mum couldn't use a phone anymore but we always could call the home and they always kept us in close contact.
    Good luck and prepare for it to take some time. X
     
  3. Woohoo

    Woohoo Registered User

    Apr 30, 2019
    380
    Female
    South East
    I have no experience sorry but I do completely agree with @Lorna44 , the phone needs to disappear as does any bags he may have so he can’t pack them . I’m sorry you are having a hard time . Hope dad settles soon.
     
  4. Moggymad

    Moggymad Registered User

    May 12, 2017
    407
    Female
    Would the staff be able to try to include him in daily activities or give him little tasks ( saying its to help them ) whilst he's 'recuperating' from his time in hospital. This will impress the doctor who has arranged his stay there ( love lies). Are there any other men who he might pal up with? If all things fail the MHT can look at medication to help him settle but they will want to give it some time first. The home will need to get a DOLS in place. Good luck.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,777
    Female
    South coast
    My mum packed to go home every night when she first moved there - I didnt leave the suitcases, so she nicked the plastic bags out of the bins, or simply rolled stuff up in her coat!

    I agree about the phone. Giving them a phone sounds like a thoughtful comforting thing to do, but actually its a constant reminder of home. I would find some way of removing it (a love lie is best). I also didnt visit for several days when mum moved to her care home. Again, its a question of not reminding them of home and getting them to learn the staff and routines of the care home. When you do visit, dont stay long and try and be upbeat and cheerful, (even if great acting skills are required) as mum used to mirror my moods. I would also take in a little treat (chocolates ir cake) to produce as a distraction if I could see the way the conversation was going, or I saw her bottom lip tremble. I used to time my visits so that I would leave when dinner appeared and she would be distracted. I also never said goodbye as this was often the trigger for wanting to go home with me. I used to leave my coat and bag in the managers office and when I was going would just tell her I was going to the loo and Id be back soon
     
  6. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    1,870
    Female
    I agree with the advice not to visit too often in the first few weeks. You can call the care home and ask the staff how he's getting on (and they will call you anyway if there is a problem). I visited a couple of times in the first few days and then didn't visit for a fortnight. Others have left it even longer because their presence made the person very agitated.

    And definitely remove the phone. Constantly ringing you will distress him more rather than comforting him. In the meantime, don't answer his calls, it upsets everyone and achieves nothing. Ask the staff to distract him if he asks to use their phone to call. He needs to get used to the new environment and routines, and depend on the staff rather than on you.
     
  7. shellysunshine

    shellysunshine New member

    Jun 24, 2019
    4
    Thanks Lorna
    We might give that idea a go of his phone not working and see if things improve. Appreciate you giving me an insight into how things were for your mum.
     
  8. shellysunshine

    shellysunshine New member

    Jun 24, 2019
    4
    Thanks for your advice. I agree that the phone needs to go. I guess I thought that by trying to keep things as much as they were before would help him but just seems to have made it worse.
     
  9. shellysunshine

    shellysunshine New member

    Jun 24, 2019
    4
    Thanks everyone for your valuable words of advice. No easy solutions with this illness.
     
  10. Woohoo

    Woohoo Registered User

    Apr 30, 2019
    380
    Female
    South East
    Sadly the opposite seems to happen with this cruel disease , I always tried to tell mum the truth as my dad did but know through this brilliant forum and experience I see that the truth hurts and distresses her so love lies are now the way to go for us , i hope dad settles and you get a bit less stress .
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.