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Registered User
Jan 9, 2021
Does acceptance of care home living come with time? My mother has been in a care home for 6 months now and the standard of care is good. She has Alzheimer's and frontotemporal dementia along with a number of health issues (bowel incontinence; lack of mobility etc). The decision to place her in care was done after she had had a number of falls at home and her dementia had resulted in serious h&s concerns. She accepted that she wasn`t able to look after herself any more even with carers coming in three times a day, hence the decision to place her in a care home was taken However recently she has been making comments along the lines that she is restricted; can`t do what she wants to do; some residents wake her up during the night due to them shouting out etc etc; none of the residents communicate with her and that she is `trapped` and the days are long. I live 200 miles away but my brother sees her weekly and has started to take her out once a week to a local cafe for a change of scene. The first week he did that gave her a huge boost but this week she was almost non-descript about it. I feel so guilty as to how she is feeling. Is it normal she should be feeling like this and will she gradually accept her new normal. Up to the age of 84 my mother was physically and mentally fit and totally independent (going into town and doing her own shopping etc) but she had a rapid decline after 84.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hello @ChrissieM

There is a likelihood your mother wouldn`t be contented in any surroundings at this stage. Is it possible these complaints stem from frustration due to her loss of independence?

My husband complained of isolation and restriction even when he was at home with me and while there is some insight, frustration is natural.

It doesn`t make it any easier for you to deal with. The success of your brother`s first outing with your mother didn`t last for the second time around, which in some way shows your mother doesn`t really know what she wants so how can you?

I can only suggest you try to placate her when she complains in any way you can.

I`ve said this often before. My mother went into residential care at a much earlier stage than my husband and it was more difficult for her to settle.

People living on their own with dementia are more at risk than those who live with a partner or family member and are more likely to go into residential care at an earlier stage. It`s no one`s fault, it`s just how it is.


Registered User
May 21, 2018
Hello @ChrissieM

I think it is very common for people to not really like their care home in comparison to where they lived before but they probably confuse the previous "place" with a time when they could do all those things they are unable to do now, many of which are nothing to do with the change of environment. Most care home residents do seem to acclimatize eventually and accept where they are. In the meantime, family generally become the target for any complaints or frustrations (which of course adds to the guilt that we are already feeling).

You sound very satisfied with the care home itself. How do the staff say your mum is when you or your brother are not speaking to her or seeing her? I know that many members have found their loved one to be far more content when there is nobody looking...