Can't find my peace with what happened ...

[Jaded'n'faded]

I happened to watch Holby on TV last night and one of the characters blasts his mother's ashes into space on a rocket firework. I kinda liked that! I hate the idea of 'ashes in an urn' on someone's mantelpiece, stuck in the back of a cupboard or worse, thrown on a skip.... But the idea of going out with a bang, yes - I like it.

I'll be paying for a cheapie cremation soon myself but I might add in the cost of a firework for my ashes

 

[Violet Jane]

When my mother died I felt relief. I felt that she had endured the indignities of dementia for long enough and that it was more than time for her to go as she had no quality of life that I could see. We had a traditional religious funeral because that was what my mother would have wanted (it was almost identical to my father’s funeral 13 years earlier) but somehow the whole thing felt a bit odd. I think that it was because the majority of the people there had not seen or been in communication with my mother for years (which I was quite resentful about in some cases). Plus, I was not sad that my mother had died snd so I felt a bit of a fraud. I was relieved that we had a respectable turnout, which is something that my mother would have been bothered about. We were a very small family and many of my mother’s friends lived some distance away and were not up for the journey.

The best thing about my mother’s funeral was the visual tribute that was shown. It reminded everyone of what my mother had been before she succumbed to Alzheimer’s Disease.

In hindsight, a private family funeral might have been more appropriate with a subsequent celebration of life but it did not occur to me to go down that route. I may be wrong but I get the impression that more and more people are doing this.

 

[Peace lily]

Thank you all so much for your replies and kind words. They are so reasuring. Maybe I have been concentrating on what other people may or not think, rather than what my dad actually wants. My aunty used the analogy that dying is like taking off an old worn out overcoat...it is no longer any use. I adore my dad and am absolutely devastated that he has gone. I still cannot believe it. He would hate us all to stand in some cold crematorium sobbing with people he hadn't seen for years, with their insincere 'sorry's'. He would much prefer that we had a nice meal raised a glass or two and remembered all the amazing days before Alzheimer's struck. I'm sure that he'll be there in spirit sharing the moment! X

 

[CWR]

Hi everyone, my dad recently died on 2nd January. He was 88 old. We have arranged a direct cremation, with no one present. My dad always said that he didn't want any fuss and just to 'throw him in the dustbin.' If it had been my decision, I would have had immediate family present, but my mum and brother felt that this is what my dad would have wanted. Does this seem cold and heartless, like his life meant nothing. I feel we are letting him down? We are going to have a celebratory meal and later a memorial of some sort x

I did the same for my mum, and then wondered if I had done the right thing. I did have a memorial service for her in her church, and my friends and colleagues and mum's carers were there. As long as there is a chance for people to say goodbye, that's all that matters, I think.

 

[Peace lily]

Hi @CWR , thank you for your reply. I think you're right and we can all day goodbye in our own way. I guess when someone dies nothing will ever feel like the right thing to do because we didn't want the day to ever come when they die x

 

[Angtrog]

Hi @Peace lily , don't know if you remember me was on Talking Point a lot this time last year. I don't come onto the forum much these days and I have just seen your post about your dad. My OH had a lot of uti's ended up in hospital then onto a care home for 2 weeks before he died. Your dad was in hospital to and ended up in a care home round about the same time as my OH. I am so sorry to hear about your dad I can understand how you must be feeling and on top of this you have lost some more people. Rest assured he is in a better place now. Take care of yourself and your mum. Angela xxx

 

[Peace lily]

Hi @Angtrog, thank you for taking the time to reply. Gosh I remember you well as we were travelling similar paths. How are you doing. I hope that life is treating you kindly. It's just been an awful time. I struggled so much to come to terms with my dad going into a nursing home and often used to cry. It was a lovely home with amazing staff and my dad seemed happy there. The guilt never left me. My dad has fought so many bouts of pneumonia, we just thought that he would again, but at 88 (nearly 89), he was tired and his quality of life had diminished. He had recently been put on a pureed diet, which was awful because he loved his food. I know that he is in a better place and would have hated to carry on living (or existing) like that. We are distraught, but it's very early days and I guess all we can do is look forward, put one step in front of the other and remember the happy times.? How did you cope? Take good care of yourself too, Sue xxx

 

[Angtrog]

Hi Sue, yes Alan died of sepsis in the end but it pushed his dementia along. I still can't believe he has gone it will be a year on march 8th don't know where time has gone. From going into hospital on feb 2nd 2021 and then on to a care home everything happened so fast for us He just stopped eating and drinking I couldn't see him because of the covid but I was there at the end with him he was 68. Like your dad he had no quality of life and he used to say 'I have had enough now' it was heart breaking to watch him deteriorate so quickly. I can imagine how you and your mum are feeling, there is never a minute go by that he isn't in my thoughts
Apart from having high blood pressure now (which is no surprise) I am well. They say to keep busy which is what I did in the early days thou I can't remember much about it, I think I had brain fog. I find that as time goes by I can seem to concentrate better. I will have to return back to work later in the year, I decided to take some time away after what had happened but I am ready for it now. You and your mum need to look after each other now plenty of rest eat well take regular exercise and remember your dad with good memories. It will be hard at first because all you have at the moment are memories of what he was like but it will fade away and you will be able to have a laugh thinking about things before your dad had dementia. Once again my condolences to you and your family. Take care Angela xxx

 

[Peace lily]

Hi @Angtrog, 68 is such a young age to die and to have suffered in such a cruel way. It's so devastating. I think Alan, like my dad decided that 'enough was enough.' I am certain, that if I'd have asked my dad years ago how, how he felt about being spoon fed pureed food, having people carry out his personal care and him living in a nursing home, he would have been mortified and would not have wanted to live like that. He would have also wanted to save his family from watching him slowly diminish to a shell of himself. I'm grateful for all the wonderful memories and the fact that he still knew us at the end. I think the numbness and brain fog is our bodies way of protecting us, only allowing us to process what we are able to bear. They say that you never get over grief, but that you learn to live around it. It's good that you took some time off work to concentrate on you. I hope that you found some hobbies to keep you busy. I am off work for now and will see when I feel ready to return. I hope that when you do go back to work, it doesn't overwhelm you and your workplace is supportive.
Thank you again for you replies and kind words. I wish you luck for the future. Take good care, Sue xxx