Can't escape the guilt

[GuiltandSadness]

My grandmother just passed after an eight year battle with Alzheimer's Disease. My mother & father took care of her until she got sundowners, and has been in a facility since early fall. Before she was placed I helped when I could, where I could (making lunch and such) but truth be told I dreaded it- she wasn't the same woman who I loved so dearly and spent so much time with as a child. Those visits (she was advanced at that point) disturbed and scared me so much and I hated myself for feeling that way. When she was placed in a home I never went and saw her and now she is gone. I feel like a horrible human being, selfish and suffering from so much guilt. I just want to know if anyone else out there has felt this way, or if I am truly not worth the air I am breathing. Thank you.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP

You are not a horrible human being. You are a person with feelings.
It's incredibly difficult caring for someone with dementia & a lot of us struggle with our feelings.
Guilt after death is a common feeling.

 

[stanleypj]

I agree absolutely with Cat. As you read more on TP you will see that these feelings, though very difficult to deal with, are not at all uncommon. You clearly loved your grandmother and did a lot for her. She would not want you to feel as you feel at the moment. She would want you to remember the good times and get on with your life.

 

[GuiltandSadness]

Thank you

Your comments mean so much to me, I am beating myself up when I should be honoring her memory. Alzheimer's and dementia are such terrible diseases. So much suffering for so long. Any time I start with the guilt I will think of the good times, like feeding the swans. Thank you again. (Hugs) I will keep reading.