Just back from visiting my 85 year old mum in her care home. She has been there less than a month but the staff say she is very settled, eating well and so on. I have only visited once before and as usual it takes me a week to get over a visit and then another week to build up to one. On walking into the lounge she spotted me and put her hand up shouting 'don't come near me.' I have posted here about her apparent lack of fear and all consuming anger aimed squarely at me. I went a bit closer but stayed out of reach as she has hit me and kicked me before. I tried every compassionate communication technique I could think off but was met with the same fixed delusion that she has had for a year now (Wimbledon was always on in the background when things started going so hideously wrong). 'You are in prison, you murdered me, you tried to kill me again and again and again'. Obviously I did no such thing and have been the closest person to mum for many years. I just can't keep doing this. I am literally shaking walking in and then shaking even more walking out. I don't want to see her ever again. If she is happy there when I am not around, then it certainly isn't doing her any good to see me and I know that I will be in tears on and off for the next week, sleepless nights, bad dreams, etc. being very childish and needy but why does the person with dementia have to come first? I have been physically, emotionally and verbally abused countless times this year. Don't I matter in all this?