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Can't do this anymore

Jesskle66

Registered User
Jul 5, 2014
99
Just back from visiting my 85 year old mum in her care home. She has been there less than a month but the staff say she is very settled, eating well and so on. I have only visited once before and as usual it takes me a week to get over a visit and then another week to build up to one.
On walking into the lounge she spotted me and put her hand up shouting 'don't come near me.' I have posted here about her apparent lack of fear and all consuming anger aimed squarely at me. I went a bit closer but stayed out of reach as she has hit me and kicked me before. I tried every compassionate communication technique I could think off but was met with the same fixed delusion that she has had for a year now (Wimbledon was always on in the background when things started going so hideously wrong). 'You are in prison, you murdered me, you tried to kill me again and again and again'. Obviously I did no such thing and have been the closest person to mum for many years. I just can't keep doing this. I am literally shaking walking in and then shaking even more walking out. I don't want to see her ever again. If she is happy there when I am not around, then it certainly isn't doing her any good to see me and I know that I will be in tears on and off for the next week, sleepless nights, bad dreams, etc. being very childish and needy but why does the person with dementia have to come first? I have been physically, emotionally and verbally abused countless times this year. Don't I matter in all this?
 

opaline

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
182
Of course you do, you have done your very best for your mum and I think it is now time to let her go, after all the mum you knew and loved is no longer there, she's safe and will be looked after, thinking of you, xx
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,291
SW London
Of course you matter. Many of us here have been through periods of very difficult visits - mine weren't as bad as yours, but I still used to dread visits, would have to psych myself up to go, and my stomach would be in knots.

If it's that bad then why not leave it a month before going again. You never know, she may have forgotten her 'Thing' about you by then. If not, then you don't have to endure it - just leave. So terribly upsetting for you, though - some aspects of this disease are even more cruel and horrible than the others.

Whatever you decide to do, or not do, please don't feel guilty about it.
 

Blogg

Registered User
Jul 24, 2014
64
Poor you, that sounds very hurtful and hard to cope with. Hopefully the delusion will fade but in the meantime you should think of yourself. Could you stay away but maybe leave a photo and see if the staff can reset the story for her? Might not work of course but might be worth a try.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,115
Scotland
That's horrible and no one would cope well with such a tirade. Stay away for a month and if that doesn't work then six weeks, two months etc. whatever it takes. No need to beat yourself up about it. You have done your best and that is all any of us can do.

God bless you.
 

Dazmum

Registered User
Jul 10, 2011
10,315
Horsham, West Sussex
Your really do matter Jesskle66, and I agree with everyone else here. Leave off visiting for a month or more, or don't set yourself a time limit or you will dread it as it gets closer. You can of course call to check on her, but there is no point in visiting her at the moment if both of you are upset by it, you dread it and feel terrible afterwards. I would too in your place. Don't feel guilty, you have done your very best.

Your mum is now safe and well cared for. It is time for you to take care of yourself, as your health and well being is very important xxx
 
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stanleypj

Registered User
Dec 8, 2011
10,708
North West
I agree with everyone else. No-one could expect you to put yourself through this. Anyone in this situation would feel as you do.

All kinds of things can change, even at this stage, and it may be that your mum will not always be as hostile and aggressive. Carry on checking regularly with the CH that she's as OK as she can be and try to get on with life.

We all know how horrible the disease can be but try not to let it destroy your life as well as hers. The real mum who's there somewhere would never want that.
 

nannylondon

Registered User
Apr 7, 2014
2,475
London
I feel for you it is a horrible situation you are in I agree with others don't visit for a month you can phone CH to see if your mum is ok. I am sure that she is well looked after and you shouldn't have to go to through such a horrible experience I am sending you a big hug xx
 

theunknown

Registered User
Apr 17, 2015
431
Jess, my limited experience has shown me that it's much better to not have a regular time/day to visit, as the whole week is spent dreading that day. If you feel you're able to cope, go; otherwise don't feel any guilt that you haven't visited.

I've had the same sort of experience - when my mum gets so upset with me being there (in her case it's that she's sure 'they're' going to hurt me in some way, and not allow me to leave the home) I've realised that if I'm not helping her, and in fact are making her even more distressed, then it's pointless me being there. I usually visit about once a fortnight, and I may start visiting even less than that. Sometimes we can hit on a communication that enables me to stay longer, but I go by how she's reacting to me x
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,162
I wouldn't set a date for when you next visit. Get yourself together, relax and look after yourself. When you feel strong enough to pop in, do so. That may take months. You can call the care home weekly to check how she is in the interim. When you do next go in, she may have forgotten and be out of the loop. If she isn't, go back to phone calls. You don't want all your fond memories polluted and if you are not bringing her any happiness by visiting, what's the point? I certainly had to detach from my father, with fewer phone calls to him (he was abroad) and visits only with another family member.
Take care.
 

Jesskle66

Registered User
Jul 5, 2014
99
Thank you all. I honestly don't know how I would have coped over the last year without the support and shared experiences on here.
I'm not going to set a time limit, but feel I need at least a month, maybe more, without visiting. I have the summer holidays coming up ( I work in a school) and will take the time to spend time with my daughter and look after myself. I think I will just know when it is right to go back, today I was certainly dreading it all week and more so today so that should have told me something. I miss the person my mum was so much and at the times of real longing to see her I somehow find the aggression easier to deal with. I haven't felt that in a while though. Thank goodness I have found a great CH for her. When I phoned earlier in the week the manager was so reassuring and knowing the history (mum having been sectioned for 7 months plus another two months in hospital after that, with continuous aggression and violence towards me) she said that they were more worried about me than mum as she had settled so well. I just hope and pray that this stage is over sooner rather than later. Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. X
 

Fiddo

Registered User
Jul 5, 2015
1
Regular Visits

Hi

I am new here so if this has been discussed before.. sorry.

Mother-in-Law with dententia, is often calling us asking if we are going out, so that we can take her also. Is it better to have a regular visit say the same day each week or ??!!

Many thanks
 

Zuzu72

Registered User
Mar 19, 2015
19
Know how you're feeling

I know what you're going through, I look after my mum at home & when she's in a good mood she can be totally her old self, but when she's not, every little thing I do for her is wrong (at best she makes cruel comments like 'how can you have a degree, you're not very bright' etc). Plus she now has accidents on the way to the bathroom, then gets even nastier when I clean them up. A lot of the time I feel stressed & that my life revolves around her, so even though I am not necessarily the best example of this, I would say that you have to look after yourself, you have a right to a life too. Your mum's safe, so look after yourself & remember who you are. Hope things work out well for you!
 

chrisdee

Registered User
Nov 23, 2014
171
Yorkshire
Dear Jesskle, How unutterably awful for you. You have my deepest sympathies. We had a bit of this and even a little bit was very hard to take. Yes you do matter and most of us, probably all, feel put down to some degree in the hierarchy of needs. Only those who have dealt with this appalling disease have any sort of clue about the about the in-depth cost of caring IMHO. I feel you won't be visiting any time soon and may have to wait until the disease moves on somewhat. You mother owes you her life, probably. Be strong.
 

RedLou

Registered User
Jul 30, 2014
1,162
Hi

I am new here so if this has been discussed before.. sorry.

Mother-in-Law with dententia, is often calling us asking if we are going out, so that we can take her also. Is it better to have a regular visit say the same day each week or ??!!

Many thanks
Fiddo, I would start a new thread as your query will be lost in here.