Cant cope with the loss of my mum :((

Discussion in 'Younger people with dementia and their carers' started by KeddyL, Jul 21, 2019.

  1. KeddyL

    KeddyL Registered User

    Jun 8, 2014
    Hi everyone,

    I was a member on here a while ago when my mum was first diagnosed with dementia..

    A bit of background..

    When I was 17 and my mum was 47 she was diagnosed with Dementia. I would say she changed pretty quickly and dramatically.. fast forward 10years.. i am 27 and my mum 47.

    January 2nd this year I had a phone call to travel to newcastle asap because my mum wasnt going to survive. She had been unwell over christmas but I was in denial (and 8months pregnant at the time) and didnt believe it. I made the 4hour trip to Newcastle and spent 5days sleeping on the hospital floor with my dad and brothers watching my mum die. She lost so much weight. On Jan 7th at 1:25am she took her final breathe. A part of me died that day. I travelled 4 hours back to Leicester to have myself and my unborn baby checked over. I reach 9months pregnant and travelled back to newcastle for my mums funeral. I said my goodbyes at the chapel of rest abd gave her a kiss.. the funeral arrived and we gave her a beautiful send of. We spread mums ashes the next day where her mum was spread and then i travelled back home. I was in an out of hospital and had no time to catch my breathe. 3weeks after mum died, I gave birth to my daughter. She is so beautiful, so happy and so content. I left hospital the next day and got told my grandma had also died of advanced dementia the day I had ny daughter. We recently celebrated mums life on the 6month anniversary of her death.

    I feel like everyone around me have been able to mourn. I am still only able to get 5minutes here and there inbetween being a single mum. My heart is completely broken. I can't get the visions of her dying out of my head. I am so exhausted of always trying to be happy. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do xx
  2. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    How terribly sad for you @KeddyL.

    It’s still early days for you and you don’t always need to try to be happy. Grieving is different for everyone but I think for all of us it takes time.

    You’ve done so well by your mum and it sounds as if you gave her a splendid send off. It must have been so difficult for you with the baby coming but now you have that lovely new life to care for.

    I wondered if you might consider going to your GP to talk about how you're feeling. It might be that he/she could refer you to some counselling which might help you.

    You might also consider giving Cruse, the bereavement care organisation, a ring. They have a helpline which is open Monday to Friday from 9.30 to 5pm. The details are here -

    Please keep coming to this forum. You’ll get lots of help and support here.
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    It’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed @KeddyL. Your life has changed in so many ways over the 7 months.
    As Izzy suggests, talk to your GP and consider some counselling.
    I wish you much joy with your beautiful daughter.
  4. KeddyL

    KeddyL Registered User

    Jun 8, 2014
    Thank you both for your messages.

    I had a private counsellor for a while through out my mums illness. I just can't seem to get my head around the fact that she has gone. That I will never see her again.

    When she died, she looked so peaceful, at ease. In one way I am glad she isnt suffering anymore then for my own selfish reasons I still want her here. She never went into a care home and my dad looked after her to the very end (he is amazing) I watch him finally having his life back but I know deep down for him too, we would give anything just to have her back with us.

    She was a beautiful person. The kindest heart. I was supposed to experience the best day of my life but instead all I wished was that my mum was there too. X
  5. Chebs

    Chebs New member

    Jul 17, 2018
    suffolk uk
    Hi KeddyL,
    Are we a Leicester Lass? I am but now live in Sufflok. This is hard for me because I've been diagnosied with early onset frontal temporal dementia in 2016. I was 56..
    I can't imagine what pain you've gone through with your mum. (also your poor father too) but try to remember the good times with her and then remember the times that are to come with your daughter. I have a daughter who as told me she is expecting in March, plus a wedding..I hope to see both. Don't waste your life on "What if's" Ive decided to live by.. yesterdays gone and tomorrow's promised to no one, so enjoy today...I'm sure those we've loss stay with us, a look, a smile or laugh comes out of the blue and you think "That's what mum would say or laugh like"
    I hope I haven't rambled on too much.:)
    My best wishes to you and yours, remember there's always someone to talk to hear, your never alone
  6. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    I think you have had so much upheaval in the last few months that perhaps you are expecting too much of yourself. Having a young baby is stressful at times and throw in some sleep deprivation, I am not surprised that you are feeling quite overwhelmed by the losses you have experienced so recently.

    There is obviously a conflict between the grief you think you should be feeling and the joy in your little baby that you want to feel. Apart from losing your loved ones, there is always the influence of huge hormonal changes involved in the birth of a child and sometimes this can take a while to adjust.

    I have no idea of how anyone would cope in your situation and I cannot suggest to you strongly enough that you get some professional help. Nobody can expect you to know what you should be feeling at the moment and my heart goes out you at this time.

    Please let us know how you are getting on.
  7. KeddyL

    KeddyL Registered User

    Jun 8, 2014
    Hello Chebs,

    Thank you for reaching out to me. I'm so sorry to hear of your diagnosis. Aww yes I am from Leicester :) congratulations yo hear you are going to be a Grandma (if you are not already) I am gutted my mum missed it by a few weeks. I know it couldn't be helped. I know my mum is watching over me more clearly now than she probably has been able to for 5years or more. That gives me some comfort.

    Thank you for your thoughts. I will keep you updated and I hope you stay intouch too. Xxx

  8. KeddyL

    KeddyL Registered User

    Jun 8, 2014
    Thank you. I absolutely understand. I know its been a bit of an up and down first half of the year. I have good professional support around me and my daughter and we have all built up an amazing relationship.

    The feelings of wanting to mourn and to celebrate is very exhausting. I believe in myself though. I've even started a counselling course so that I can help other people. Its helping me stay focused to.

    I'll let you know how I am getting on.

    Thanks xx


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