Cannot cope anymore

[rs84]

Hi Everyone!,

I am new to the forums.

I signed up to this on the day my mum got admitted to hospital and have only now had the chance to post.

My mum has been showing dementia signs for over a year now and it all came to a head on the 2nd July. She kept making statements like "Take me home, I wanna go to my other house." We don't have another house so I asked her which home do you want to go to. She was obviously very confused. She wouldn't sleep in her bed and kept wandering. She tried to smash the living room windows with her walking sticks and kept shouting "open the door"She was physically aggressive and scratched me on my hand when I tried to stop her leaving the house.

My neighbours heard this commotion and calmed my mum down enough. I called for an ambulance. Paramedics were hesitant to take her and said it could be a UTI that was causing her to be confused. I persuaded them to take her and mum did go with them. This was at 11pm at night and for a Sunday A&E was very busy. She eventually got admitted to the AAU ward at the hospital.

She stayed there for a few days and got admitted to one of the main wards. There she tried to leave multiple times and was also physically aggressive to the staff! They then moved her to the elderly ward. The consultants diagnosis was delirium superimposed on dementia and she needs to be referred to the memory clinic

Anyway to cut a long story short, the hospital obviously had enough of her and tried on a few occasions to discharge her asap. I dragged it out by saying it is not safe for her to come home. They discharged her with an increased package (1 extra care call per day at night) and on the day of the discharge they decided to send her home at 8:45am! When I specifically told them I would pick her up myself. She was there for 6 weeks.

Now, shes back at home, I cannot cope. She doesn't sleep at night and ends up sleeping at 10am. She falls out of bed several times a night (she even had a fall in the hospital) She hasn't got the strength to pick herself up.

I leave for work and she wanders outside. Neighbours are also worried. One of them said she was thinking of calling the police! As she shouldn't be left alone. Neighbours gathered outside to see what the fuss was all about so basically the whole street knows now!

I can't put her in a care home. The house isn't worth that much compared so when she does eventually goes, the estate will be virtually nothing. It's too late to do anything about the property now as it would be considered deprivation of assets.

Sorry for the long post, but I just had to get this off my chest. The only option for me right now is to leave my job and care for her on a full time basis.

Thoughts please?

 

[marionq]

Each time the police are called a report is made to Social services so this can be the most sensible thing to do as it forces their hand to find a solution. In the short term you need them to get you respite to let you sort this out in your head. Contact them and say you need emergency help as she is a danger to herself.

 

[Beate]

Wrong. The only option for you isn't leaving your job! You don't have duty of care, the state has, so ring SS now, ring them today, I'm sure there's a emergency number, and tell them you have carers breakdown, they discharged her unsafely, she needs a bigger care package or a care home admission, and they have duty of care for a vulnerable adult at risk. Wandering is a huge risk. Tell them you make them personally responsible if they don't act now and anything happens to her.

And of course you can put her in a care home. Her house will pay for it until she is down to a certain amount, by which time SS will have to take over. It's her money, not your inheritance, and it will be put to good use by paying for her care so you don't have to give up your career and your life, because believe me, it will be all-consuming if you do that. You've got to be firm with Social Services, because they might try to pressure you to care for her yourself but don't give in out of guilt.

Two more things: if your neighbours want to call the police next time she wanders, please encourage them do so. This will go on her record and put pressure on SS. Also, I hope she is on the higher rate of Attendance Allowance. With her night-time falls she most definitely qualifies!

 

[philamillan]

This is a very difficult situation and Social Services will try to keep a distance as what she needs is Respite.

Sometimes the package of care has to fail in order for the Social Worker to present to the panel about need for a Care Home.

Remember that the Social Worker is not the one to make a decision, they just advocate before a panel who have never seen your mother and think along the lines that they have 10 other similar cases as well!

But the earlier that they are involved the better.

Also remember the value of the Community Psychiatry Team who can give advice as well as medication if appropriate. There should be a number in the locality in order to get them to assess your mother.

Finally, if all else fails ask a neighbor to carry her to A&E as a safeguarding and there will be no other option but to sort it out.

Keep fighting, remember that you are her advocate.