Cannot Bear the Sound of the Telephone Today

[mumof3]

Oh just needed to put it in words rather than my usual silent screaming.

Today is yet another day of being constantly phoned by my MIL. It is getting so as I cannot stand to hear it ringing. It doesn't matter that there is nothing to say, and I know it is probably just the security of knowing that someone is there for her but I can't help it today I just feel I'm going to explode if it happens again. Only an hour and a bit before the eldest is home from school and needs taken to a swimming lesson so I am counting down so I can legitimately not be in.

I'm at home with two under fives so it is odds on that I am in most days. I feel myself just wating for the phone to go and getting really stressed by it. I cannot not answer because that would be the time something is wrong. And I can picture her pacing and anxious if it is not answered. Yesterday we were out with the children and came back to 9 missed calls and six messages in the space of 2 hours. I get stressed out by the phone calls far more than actually being with my MIL in person as the onus is always on me to make conversation and keep things going. Just at the moment I can't do it.

 

[rummy]

It is ok not to answer the phone. I am also telling myself that. I know one of those calls might be "the One' that I'm truly needed but sometimes it is good to just not be available. Does she have a neighboor to call in an emergency who can then in turn call you. You know if you see that number on you caller id it is legit. Or can she call 911? Can you get her a panic switch for an emergency company. I personally haven't looked into that but have seen it on tv "help, I've fallen and I cant get up".
Got to be a solution. I'm tired of feeling like there isn't an "out". Ignore the phone, have fun at the swim lessons and ring her when you get back. My Mom is starting to forget how to use the phone, it is a blessing!!
Debbie

 

[mumof3]

Thanks Debbie

Now back from swimming lesson and wouldn't you know, no missed calls. I'm sure she has some sort of radar

Just having a bad few days and feeling a bit stalked I think! Hopefully tomorrow I will not feel the same way. It was good to hear that I am not a terrible person if I don't answer every call. Sometimes it is necessary for my own sanity but frankly listening to the ringing every five to ten minutes is it's own form of torture. The two year old now says Grandma every time it rings. I did get caller ID a few weeks ago when I couldn't take it any more. I had to answer every call as it might have been school, nursery etc but usually wasn't!

She does have a carer who goes in every morning and evening and three times a week she has someone for longer sessions. She also has a couple of close friends who also unfortunately also get the frequent calling at times. No helpful neighbours unfortunately. We did look at a community alarm but really we felt that if the telephone is anything to go by it would be being used about a dozen times a day. At least at the moment things settle around 7pm in the evening so we have not had any calls at odd times of the night.

It is ironic that my MIL cannot use the TV remote any more yet seems to have no such trouble with the telephone!

 

[rummy]

I can only imagine having to take care and deal with my Mom and having children! My hat is off to you, that is really tough.
I'm glad you have other help with her, that has to be a relief. I just found out that my Mom left the house on foot with the dog last night and got lost. A strange neighboor found her and called the number on the dog collar. My Dad thought she was back in the bedroom the whole time ! Gads ! Every day is a challenge !
Take care,
Debbie

 

[noelphobic]

A strange neighboor found her and called the number on the dog collar. Debbie

What was so strange about the neighbour and why is your mum wearing a dog collar?

 

[rummy]

Ok, you made me laugh.....it really did sound like that didn't it !!

Gads, every day is like a stephen King novel, I am forgetting what normal is like....or is this normal now?????

 

[Tender Face]

Mumof 3,

A week or so back my mum called me at work. She has always had the number to contact me in 'emergencies' (from pre-memory loss days when she was able to care for my son whilst I managed a morning in the office). I was amazed she had even found it. (Also forced into telling colleagues why a female voice asked for me claiming I was her mother .... probably not a bad thing in the long run...)

Had the 'big talk' about calling me on my mobile anytime I'm not with her, not the office number, or even home number. Now has my mobile number right next to phone.

I know it's important to her if she sees a bird in the garden, and can't comprehend that it's not quite so important to me. With help from my boss and my colleagues, I am managing the calls she still insists on making ... but they are not affecting my colleagues or my family (apart from slippng away to some privacy for a mo to reassure 'I'll get back to her later' when it's right for me).

Could you have a 'dedicated line' - even if it trips to 'voicemail' and you call back as and when you see fit?

It's impossible to be 'out of touch' with young/school-age children isn't it?

Even ring tone settings might help?????

Love, Karen, x

 

[dmc]

hi mumof3

i know how you feel, i sometimes feel like screamimg "go away" at the phone when it rings, i have caller id so i know its mum and dad ringing, and its usually for me to take them out somewhere.
ive offered twice today to take mum shopping, but she didnt feel up to it, then at 5.30 she decides she wants to go out, just as im settling down for the evening, having just fed and watered everyone and done dishes
now im sitting here feeling guilty becouse i said id take her somewhere tomorrow but not tonight.
i also feel i cant go anywhere without them in case they phone and im not in and i'll have to explain why i went without them
but then again they usually can get me on my mobile i cant win
i dont think your a terrible person your just human, and the phone ringing constantly would drive anybody round the bend.
hope tomorrow is a better day for you,
you could always change your phone no and not tell her
just joking!!

but best wishes anyway x

 

[Áine]

Yes, I'd second the idea of caller display. Does she have one of those alarm things connected to the phone. Can't remember what you call them: dad had a box thing with a red button and an alarm button on a neckcord. Pressing it rings through to some central station where they can talk about what the problem is and then the central station rings whoever appropriate, 999, neighbour, family etc. It connects through the phone line but doesn't stop you using phone as normal. Perhaps if MIL had that you could feel OK about being "out", because there's a simple alternative for her in emergencies.

 

[Tender Face]

Can't remember what you call them: dad had a box thing with a red button and an alarm button on a neckcord. Pressing it rings through to some central station where they can talk about what the problem is and then the central station rings whoever appropriate, 999, neighbour, family etc. It connects through the phone line but doesn't stop you using phone as normal. Perhaps if MIL had that you could feel OK about being "out", because there's a simple alternative for her in emergencies.

Great idea Aine. Just from mum's experience, she has had 'Care on Call' (as it is called in our Local Authority) for two years now. She can never remember where she has left the neckcord ....refuses to wear it when I find it for her and moans every time we get a statement through (she has to pay) that she 'pays all this money and no-one has yet rung her to see how she is.......' (!?) (sigh!)......

We 'signed up' to this service because of mum's osteo-athritis and first hip replacement - it doesn't save much money but I am seriously considering whether the facility is worthwhile at all now for a dementia sufferer who neither understands the service in her best moments nor would know how to hit the damned button if she needed to....... or could remember where it was.....

Love, Karen, x

 

[Áine]

Yes, I agree with all that Karen. My dad similar. I reckon he had it about 6 years and to my knowledge never used it once. But if someone CAN get the hang of it it's a pretty good idea

 

[Tender Face]

Yo, Aine, wasn't meaning to contradict your good advice - it's right for some people, not others - like so many 'gadgets' or 'aids'... just good to mull around stuff and what maybe wholly inappropriate for one person might be 'the best thing since sliced bread' for another.... I just wonder, had mum not paid her £5 per week or whatever it has been for the last two years, how many apple turnovers could she have had for her money?????

Hugs, Karen, x

 

[mumof3]

Thanks to all for your replies.

I think that the "red button" must be similar to the community alarm that we were offered initially by Social Services. I think last year this may have given us some peace of mind. Now however I think in my MIL's bad moments she would be pressing it all the time without understanding the implications.

When I am thinking logically, I recognise that all she wants is to know that we are here for her when she needs us. She just constantly tests this!

That is it exactly Karen I know it's important to her if she sees a bird in the garden, and can't comprehend that it's not quite so important to me It is the randomness of the reasons for the calls or the slightest pretext for ringing or more commonly forgetting why or not having a reason that is sometimes so frustrating on the other end of the line.

Thank heavens for cordless phones where at least I can also be doing something productive albeit wiith one hand!

 

[mumof3]

Just back from school and nursery dropping off the older two children and the telephone was ringing. Answered to be greeted by "Yes what is it I'm listening" It is going to be another very long day I think.

Thanks to all for the practical suggestions but I confess it is not so much worry that my MIL will not be able to reach me or my husband when she really does need someone that is concerning me at present, I am more preoccupied with the state of our sanity right now. There is just something so frustrating talking to someone on the phone when there is no possibility of any form of normal conversation.

Anyway to paraphrase Norman I am definitely in one day at a time mode!