1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

can you choose to look after your parent or is it just a given you should?

Discussion in 'Younger people with dementia and their carers' started by just_dolphin, Sep 10, 2015.

  1. just_dolphin

    just_dolphin Registered User

    Jan 13, 2014
    25
    I know this sounds really awful and as I write it I feel guilty. I am hoping that I am not the only one that has felt like this though otherwise it really does make me a horrible person!!
    My mum is 63 and has alzheimers I am her carer. I have a business and a daughter to look after and find it very stressful having the responsibility of my mum too. I have other siblings but for one reason or another some cant help and some wont. I find myself wondeirng whether I want this role or have to have it?
    I feel extremely stressed and feel that its effecting my own little family! Does this make me an awful person though? Can you almost walk away or because its your aprent do you have to? Of course I want to but Im not sure its physically possible without sacrificing something, time with my child? time with my husband? my business that I have worked really hard for?
    :( ??
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,490
    Female
    London
    Of course you don't have to be a carer! No person can be forced to look after another. The only one with a duty of care is the state. They try to get you to take the lion share by emotionally blackmailing you but you can step back at any time and it does not make you a bad person.

    Contact social services and ask for help. Say you are struggling and can't do it anymore. Remind them of their duty of care for vulnerable persons at risk.
     
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,765
    Merseyside
    You are not an awful person & you certainly don't have to look after your mum.
    As Beate says contract social services & tell you cannot cope.
     
  4. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Don't let yourself be guilt tripped into taking on your mother's care if it is not the right thing for you or your family. I think it's easier to say 'no' early on, it's so hard to get help if you have already shouldered the burden.

    I have always known that I would not be able to look after my Mum when the time comes. Our relationship has often been stormy and has always worked best when there is considerable distance between us. Up to now she hasn't needed it (she will be 90 in March) but it is starting to look as if the time will come. I'm sure I will come under a lot of pressure, not least from Mum herself, but I will have to put on my Big Girls Pants and stand firm!
     
  5. just_dolphin

    just_dolphin Registered User

    Jan 13, 2014
    25

    I kind of feel like its justa given because shes my mum that i should do it but im so tired! havinga really hard day today. thank you for replying and not thinking im awful x
     
  6. just_dolphin

    just_dolphin Registered User

    Jan 13, 2014
    25
    hello

    thank you for replying. Im glad I am not the only one that feels this way. I do love my mum but it souds like i have a similar relationship as you do with yours. I get on with my mum the ebst when we do have a bit of distance. so the constant communication si making it very hard and i just dont know what to do about it really! :'(
     
  7. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,490
    Female
    London
    We all started out with the best intentions. We didn't know how hard it would get. You seem to be suffering or nearing carers breakdown. Whether you just need some support or want to hand care over, you need to contact Social Services. Unless your Mum is self-funding then you can arrange care yourself.
     

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