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can you choose to look after your parent or is it just a given you should?

just_dolphin

Registered User
Jan 13, 2014
25
I know this sounds really awful and as I write it I feel guilty. I am hoping that I am not the only one that has felt like this though otherwise it really does make me a horrible person!!
My mum is 63 and has alzheimers I am her carer. I have a business and a daughter to look after and find it very stressful having the responsibility of my mum too. I have other siblings but for one reason or another some cant help and some wont. I find myself wondeirng whether I want this role or have to have it?
I feel extremely stressed and feel that its effecting my own little family! Does this make me an awful person though? Can you almost walk away or because its your aprent do you have to? Of course I want to but Im not sure its physically possible without sacrificing something, time with my child? time with my husband? my business that I have worked really hard for?
:( ??
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,949
London
Of course you don't have to be a carer! No person can be forced to look after another. The only one with a duty of care is the state. They try to get you to take the lion share by emotionally blackmailing you but you can step back at any time and it does not make you a bad person.

Contact social services and ask for help. Say you are struggling and can't do it anymore. Remind them of their duty of care for vulnerable persons at risk.
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,296
Merseyside
You are not an awful person & you certainly don't have to look after your mum.
As Beate says contract social services & tell you cannot cope.
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,761
South coast of England
Don't let yourself be guilt tripped into taking on your mother's care if it is not the right thing for you or your family. I think it's easier to say 'no' early on, it's so hard to get help if you have already shouldered the burden.

I have always known that I would not be able to look after my Mum when the time comes. Our relationship has often been stormy and has always worked best when there is considerable distance between us. Up to now she hasn't needed it (she will be 90 in March) but it is starting to look as if the time will come. I'm sure I will come under a lot of pressure, not least from Mum herself, but I will have to put on my Big Girls Pants and stand firm!
 

just_dolphin

Registered User
Jan 13, 2014
25
Of course you don't have to be a carer! No person can be forced to look after another. The only one with a duty of care is the state. They try to get you to take the lion share by emotionally blackmailing you but you can step back at any time and it does not make you a bad person.

Contact social services and ask for help. Say you are struggling and can't do it anymore. Remind them of their duty of care for vulnerable persons at risk.

I kind of feel like its justa given because shes my mum that i should do it but im so tired! havinga really hard day today. thank you for replying and not thinking im awful x
 

just_dolphin

Registered User
Jan 13, 2014
25
Don't let yourself be guilt tripped into taking on your mother's care if it is not the right thing for you or your family. I think it's easier to say 'no' early on, it's so hard to get help if you have already shouldered the burden.

I have always known that I would not be able to look after my Mum when the time comes. Our relationship has often been stormy and has always worked best when there is considerable distance between us. Up to now she hasn't needed it (she will be 90 in March) but it is starting to look as if the time will come. I'm sure I will come under a lot of pressure, not least from Mum herself, but I will have to put on my Big Girls Pants and stand firm!
hello

thank you for replying. Im glad I am not the only one that feels this way. I do love my mum but it souds like i have a similar relationship as you do with yours. I get on with my mum the ebst when we do have a bit of distance. so the constant communication si making it very hard and i just dont know what to do about it really! :'(
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,949
London
We all started out with the best intentions. We didn't know how hard it would get. You seem to be suffering or nearing carers breakdown. Whether you just need some support or want to hand care over, you need to contact Social Services. Unless your Mum is self-funding then you can arrange care yourself.