Can we take the decision for her?

[michelle h]

hi,
My graindmother is suffering from alzeimerswhich effects her moods severely. She is either extremely aggressive or cries all the time saying she wants to die.After a severe episode she voluntarily went into an assessment unit and was there about six weeks. The problem is that she has four children and the oldest daughter upto now has refused any mention of going into a home even though one of the biggest problems is that my grandma is extremely distressed about living aloneand noone is able to stay with her.
The assessment unit recommended that it would be best to go into a home but two of the sisters said they wanted her to come home. A care package was set in place and we all went as often as possible but she went straight back into her usual mood. I know they say that they pick on one person and that person is my mum she is determined to upset my mum to the stage where she is hysterical and in tears.(my mum also has a very nervous nature so god help me!!)
After being home for two weeks my mum went last week where in order to get her own way my grandma tried to strangle herself, run up and down the main road like something possessed and caused havoc with her chinese neighbours calling them names a pit man would have been proud of.My mum then drove home (40 minutes away) a complete mess and called the psychiatric nurse.He then went to my grandma and she again agreed to go back to the assessment centre.
I know it has taken a long time to get to this question but here goes.If my mum sister and brother all agree that she should go into a nursing home(even if the oldest sister doesn't agree)and the unit think this is the best thing for her if my grandma refuses to go do we have to respect her wishes or can we make the final decision?
Any advice would be great
thanks

 

[jenniferpa]

Oh brother - what a difficult time for you all.

The short answer is that you can't "make" anyone go into a home if they're unwilling (unless they're sectioned) but many of us have done it by managing the situation. My mother wouldn't willingly have gone into a nursing home, but when you've had several strokes, multiple falls and are no longer able to do anything for yourself, there aren't many options. If your grandmother is frightened to be alone, and who can blame her, I would think this sort of move would be a positive thing, although most of us have been in the "yes, no, yes, no" situation. As to the eldest daughter: if she's not prepared to take her into her home and care for her, she can hardly have more of a say than the rest of you, and absolutely not veto power.

Jennifer

 

[Skye]

Hi Michelle

It's an awful position to be in, and I'm sorry for your poor mum. She shouldn't have to put up with that. I would advise that she stay away, as your gran seems determined to be hostile to her.

Regarding going into care, has your gran actually refused? I don't think you say.

As far as I know, if she absolutely refuses, the only way is for her to be sectioned.

But you say she went into the assessment centre voluntarily, so it doesn't sound as if she would object to a permanent arrangement.

I think for your gran's safety, and your mum's health it would be the best solution.