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Can this really all be dementia?

juicy13

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
18
Hiya, I am new to the forum after trying to search google for some help with my situation,

I live with my mother and father, my father has poor health and my mum has dementia so I am caregiver to them both,

I find myself asking everyday is it dementia my mum has or is there something else there too as most of my life she has been prone to violent outbursts,

I have to admit i am finding it hard to cope as from the minute my Mother wakes up until long after she has gone to bed at night she rants and shouts and screams and puts me and my dad down all day, always looking for arguments although we don't argue with her, my mother is also violent often punching me or my dad, she swears constantly and is forever telling us she is dying,

She is constantly bullying my dad telling him 'get out my house', then 5 minutes later 'get in here', then again 5 minutes later 'get out' etc and the tone of her voice is 'it's my house so you two can do what I say cos im the boss',

I just wondered if this is normal behaviour for a dementia sufferer and if anyone has any helpful advice they can give me on how to cope with this?

Thankyou.
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,506
Near Southampton
Hello there Juicy and welcome to TP.
You will hopefully find lots of help and support here.
You are obviously having a hard time of it with both parents needing your care.
Your mother's behaviour does sound like all part of dementia but that doesn't mean that there is nothing that can be done to help it.
Certain medication can help a great deal. Have you mentioned any of this to your mother's GP or a CPN if you are fortunate to have one?
It's not really fair to your father if he has to put up with this especially as his own health is poor.
 

Pigeon11

Registered User
Jul 19, 2012
351
Hi Juicy

Welcome to TP. I've found it really helpful and sure you will get lots of support from everyone on here.

In answer to your question, "Is this normal for dementia?", I would say that it is normal for dementia but it's not a normal situation for anyone to have to cope with.
It sounds like you're having a really difficult time and I wondered what support you are getting to look after your parents? If the answer is "none" then I would start the ball rolling as a matter of urgency.

In terms of the link with your Mum's past behaviour, it's certainly possible that the two are connected. My situation wasn't nearly as bad as yours but my dad had a very short fuse and this got much worse when he became ill. I think it's also possible for two mental health problems to exist at the same time.

I don't have any advice on coping with the behaviour unfortuately but hopefuilly someone will be a long soonm to help.

Good luck with everyhting and keep posting. It's a great place to be even if the circumstances which lead to it are so horrible.
 

juicy13

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
18
Thankyou so much for your answers,

Saffie, I have mentioned it to the GP but all I get is yes that's the dmentia, no help at all, My mum is on Mematine I have asked if there is any more help but I was told she is on the maximum dose.

Pigeon11, My mum has a social worker who comes out to see her but even if she has been in the middle of one of her violent tirades it's like she changes personality like a light switch and is very polite to the social worker, she is the same with anyone that visits, they see a very different woman to the one I see.
 

angecmc

Registered User
Dec 25, 2012
2,108
hertfordshire
Thankyou so much for your answers,

Saffie, I have mentioned it to the GP but all I get is yes that's the dmentia, no help at all, My mum is on Mematine I have asked if there is any more help but I was told she is on the maximum dose.

Pigeon11, My mum has a social worker who comes out to see her but even if she has been in the middle of one of her violent tirades it's like she changes personality like a light switch and is very polite to the social worker, she is the same with anyone that visits, they see a very different woman to the one I see.
Hi this is quite common where the sufferer can appear nice and well behaved to the outside world. I think it is wrong that you and your Dad are suffering from her violent outbursts, I would be calling the police if she hits either of you again. Many on here have had to do this and yes it isn't nice but sometimes it is the only way to get help. I would also keep a diary of her bad behaviour, so that you can show the social worker, would it be possible to film or record on a mobile phone to show them how it really is? I think you need to contact the social worker and tell them you are desperate for help due to her violence . The doctor should be able to help with medication so I would look at seeing another Dr as the one you mention does not sound very professional to me. Keep phoning social worker until you get some help, tell them both yourself and your Dad are now vulnerable. Don't suffer in silence, the only people that get help are those that shout loudest. Good luck xx

Ange
 

RobinH

Registered User
Apr 9, 2012
265
London
Hi

There is no normal with Dementia. If she has been like this for decades it's probably an inrelated mental health condition. Dementia is random in its effects, so she could have had a personality change, but it seems to have been for the worse.

All 3 of you are suffering greatly. In your position I would be looking for residential care for mum, so you can look after your dad properly, and get a bit of your life back. Do anything & everything it takes. You are all at risk of injury or worse.

Try a better GP, & find a way of convincing the social worker what she's really like. How about some mobile phone footage?
 

AlsoConfused

Registered User
Sep 17, 2010
1,953
most of my life she has been prone to violent outbursts
I think dementia may well have made your Mum even more out of control than she was previously but it seems very likely she was either ill or intermittently nasty before then. More importantly, her violence towards you and your Dad has somehow to be stopped or at least reduced.
 

zeeeb

Registered User
I would be asking the Dr very firmly for some kind of mood stabiliser or anti psychotic. Be clear that if her moods and physical aggression aren't made under control, that you will be forced to call the police, social workers and get her put in residential care.

You should not have to tolerate abuse and physical violence, no matter what the situation, and neither should your father.

Surely she can't be happy when she is tortured like this all day every day. She doesn't deserve to be in this kind of constant torment either. Surely there is something that can make her calmer and more relaxed, which in turn will improve all three of your lives.
 

juicy13

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
18
I probably should have said in my first post

A little more information, because I am new here and was frustrated whilst writing the post I didn't put in as much information as I should have,

when my dad was in hospital in April for a triple heart bypass my mum become much worse, I put this down to her being confused about where my dad was, the social worker kept in touch with me by phone and one day when she phoned she heard how bad my mum was as she was punching me and shouting and swearing at me while she was on the phone, after that things happened very quickly and I was told it is now out of my hands and my mum was placed in a care home,

My mum was in there for 3 months and in all that time she didnt show violence or shout and swear once, but she was like a frail old lady, going to visit her every day I felt like it was killing my mum being in there and killing me and my dad seeing her in there so we made the decision to bring her home again and try to cope,

from the day she came home the violent, aggresive woman was back, I just can't understand how she was able to keep in under control while she was in the home, I thought dementia meant a part of their brain had shut down and can't for the life of me understand how she is able to control when she stays calm and nice and when she kicks of....she has been unbearable all week shouting swearing and punching, that's another thing she will lie on the couch saying 'I can't breathe,' 'I am dying' then the next minute she is up like Mike Tyson, lots of energy, able to walk and punch like a boxer?? anyway sorry I diversed, she has been unbearable all week but now today she knows our social worker is visiting and she is all sweetness and nice ???

last week my Dad went out for some shopping and I foolishly nipped to the toilet for 2 minutes, in that time she went out and I found her in a strangers house telling them me and my Dad are cruel to her and kick her and have broke her back etc,

the way she is I am afraid she will convince people this is the case instead of the way it really is, me and my dad are the ones with bruises, the only place she has bruises is on her knuckles from all the punching,

sorry I seem to be off loading all my troubles on here but I have felt for a while like everyone feels sorry for the person with dementia but it's the carers that have the hardest part to deal with and didn't know where to turn for someone to understand,

reading some of the posts on here has made me realize there are others who understand what me and my dad are going through, I felt for a while like my Mum was much worse than someone with Dementia but now I understand that others have experienced the same with their loved ones and for the first time in ages I feel I am not alone

thank you
 

FifiMo

Registered User
Feb 10, 2010
4,710
Wiltshire
Hiya,

You and your dad have done your best to try and care for your mum at home and I hasten to add, tolerated much more than I ever would have done. The thing is, wouldn't it be better for you and your dad to go visit your mum in a home where the burden of physical care is carried by someone else. By this I mean that you both are not worn out and frazzled due to her challenging behaviour. Care homes these days are not prisons. You can come and go as often as you like, stay as long as you like and most importantly in your circumstances ...leave as you like. You're not abandoning her. It is a very selfless thing to put someone in a care home. You put their needs above all your own emotional needs. Not many people would do that. You recognise. However that this disease requires more than you and your dad are capable of doing. The benchmark of how well the home is at managing her behaviours might well have been the little old lady sitting quietly. You've battled so long with the loud is contented bullying lady that you are shocked to even think she could be anything else. Please also remember the next time that you feel guilty that being aggressive and hurtful and constantly agitated is not a pleasant experience for your mum.

As to your dad. His health is already suffering. The dementia is slowly taking it's toll on him too. He however deserves some peace. He deserves to be able to have some pleasant times with you. He deserves someone taking over the reigns for a while and to let him have peace of mind that his wife is safe, well nourished, and secure.

What it seems is that you have reached a point where you need to speak to that SW again. Tell her that you have given it your best shot but things continue to deteriorate. Maybe it is time to get someone else doing the physical work so that you can have some pleasant times together a a family. Your dad can be there every day from dawn to dusk if he wants. Equally he can have choices again to do as he pleases. I can assure you that if your mum is settled and content in the home you'll come to see why none of this was possible with just you and your dad between you. If it was, then we would have no care homes in this country would we?

Take Care

Fiona
 

Vordrak

Account Closed
Jun 12, 2011
10
It really sounds like you need a professional view. Dementia can cause problems but it can also exacerbate problems that are already there.
 

juicy13

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
18
Hiya,

You and your dad have done your best to try and care for your mum at home and I hasten to add, tolerated much more than I ever would have done. The thing is, wouldn't it be better for you and your dad to go visit your mum in a home where the burden of physical care is carried by someone else. By this I mean that you both are not worn out and frazzled due to her challenging behaviour. Care homes these days are not prisons. You can come and go as often as you like, stay as long as you like and most importantly in your circumstances ...leave as you like. You're not abandoning her. It is a very selfless thing to put someone in a care home. You put their needs above all your own emotional needs. Not many people would do that. You recognise. However that this disease requires more than you and your dad are capable of doing. The benchmark of how well the home is at managing her behaviours might well have been the little old lady sitting quietly. You've battled so long with the loud is contented bullying lady that you are shocked to even think she could be anything else. Please also remember the next time that you feel guilty that being aggressive and hurtful and constantly agitated is not a pleasant experience for your mum.

As to your dad. His health is already suffering. The dementia is slowly taking it's toll on him too. He however deserves some peace. He deserves to be able to have some pleasant times with you. He deserves someone taking over the reigns for a while and to let him have peace of mind that his wife is safe, well nourished, and secure.

What it seems is that you have reached a point where you need to speak to that SW again. Tell her that you have given it your best shot but things continue to deteriorate. Maybe it is time to get someone else doing the physical work so that you can have some pleasant times together a a family. Your dad can be there every day from dawn to dusk if he wants. Equally he can have choices again to do as he pleases. I can assure you that if your mum is settled and content in the home you'll come to see why none of this was possible with just you and your dad between you. If it was, then we would have no care homes in this country would we?

Take Care

Fiona
Thank you, you spoke so much truth there that I am now in tears, you are all wonderful on this forum and I wish I had found it ages ago.
 

SuzeB

Registered User
Jul 12, 2012
1
Hi

I'm new today, well to posting, I have often looked on the site and been reassured by other people's messages. Reading your post today reminds me so much of my Mum who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia. My mum too had outbursts throughout her life, she used to get really mad with us children and she would shout and clap and threaten us with "The Killer Man". She probably has had dementia coming on for the past ten years, but in the last two years she has really deteriorated and her dementia behaviour has escalated.

Now she is in a home and she seems to be either asleep or shouting and threatening to kill anyone who goes near her. She too shouts "Get Out" or "Let's Go" - tries to hit people with her walking frame. She also bosses us about and hits us with her walking frame if we don't do what she says. She swears at carers and is openly racist.

Mum would never, publicly, have behaved like this. It's as if dementia has taken away the nice bits that used to balance the nasty and just left her angry and aggressive. Sadly, she is worse when one of us children visit. She seems to recognise us as people who used to care for her. I don't think she can remember her house exactly, but she will say that she has a home and she wants to go there. I think she thinks when she sees us that we have come to resume caring for her and she will be in her own home. My husband says I read too much in to it and that she really couldn't be at home anymore. I suppose in a way we are lucky because Mum has sufficient money that she can be in a nice care home for the rest of her life. Although I feel very guilty! But you are still caring for your Mum and your Dad. What a wonderful person you are. You have my huge admiration and I really hope that there is someone there to give you a break and care for you.

Hiya, I am new to the forum after trying to search google for some help with my situation,

I live with my mother and father, my father has poor health and my mum has dementia so I am caregiver to them both,

I find myself asking everyday is it dementia my mum has or is there something else there too as most of my life she has been prone to violent outbursts,

I have to admit i am finding it hard to cope as from the minute my Mother wakes up until long after she has gone to bed at night she rants and shouts and screams and puts me and my dad down all day, always looking for arguments although we don't argue with her, my mother is also violent often punching me or my dad, she swears constantly and is forever telling us she is dying,

She is constantly bullying my dad telling him 'get out my house', then 5 minutes later 'get in here', then again 5 minutes later 'get out' etc and the tone of her voice is 'it's my house so you two can do what I say cos im the boss',

I just wondered if this is normal behaviour for a dementia sufferer and if anyone has any helpful advice they can give me on how to cope with this?

Thankyou.
 

juicy13

Registered User
Jan 22, 2014
18
I'm new today, well to posting, I have often looked on the site and been reassured by other people's messages. Reading your post today reminds me so much of my Mum who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Vascular Dementia. My mum too had outbursts throughout her life, she used to get really mad with us children and she would shout and clap and threaten us with "The Killer Man". She probably has had dementia coming on for the past ten years, but in the last two years she has really deteriorated and her dementia behaviour has escalated.

Now she is in a home and she seems to be either asleep or shouting and threatening to kill anyone who goes near her. She too shouts "Get Out" or "Let's Go" - tries to hit people with her walking frame. She also bosses us about and hits us with her walking frame if we don't do what she says. She swears at carers and is openly racist.

Mum would never, publicly, have behaved like this. It's as if dementia has taken away the nice bits that used to balance the nasty and just left her angry and aggressive. Sadly, she is worse when one of us children visit. She seems to recognise us as people who used to care for her. I don't think she can remember her house exactly, but she will say that she has a home and she wants to go there. I think she thinks when she sees us that we have come to resume caring for her and she will be in her own home. My husband says I read too much in to it and that she really couldn't be at home anymore. I suppose in a way we are lucky because Mum has sufficient money that she can be in a nice care home for the rest of her life. Although I feel very guilty! But you are still caring for your Mum and your Dad. What a wonderful person you are. You have my huge admiration and I really hope that there is someone there to give you a break and care for you.
I know what you mean, that was one of the things that got to me when my Mum was in the home, everyday when I went to visit she was like ' right lets go then get my stuff' as if I was there to take her home, when I couldn't she would get really angry and tell me to go away then if I wasn't going to help her, believe me I don't feel wonderful, I just cope cos I have to but it is so hard, you shouldn't feel guilty as you have done what is best for your mum so far I am trying my best not to put her back in but i sometimes feel that is a bit selfish on my part as I am just prolonging the inevitable. :)
 

pippop1

Registered User
Apr 8, 2013
501
This is going to sound crazy and I expect I am wrong but I would have the boiler/gas fires tested in their home just to make sure that they are not pumping out noxious gases - that's if you have these things of course.

You would need a registered gas engineer to do this (used to be called Corgi but now it's called something else).

You never know, it might be affecting her?
 

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