Can Someone please help


Registered User
Apr 16, 2008
Hello my name is richard around three years ago my nana was diagnosed with slight memory loss and a year and a half ago alzheimers. My nana brought me up, i have a loving mum and dad but my nana was the one who always picked me up from school looked after me when i was sick went on holiday with us. she was basically my mum. not cos my mum and dad wasn't bothered but they tought that the more they both worked the better life they could give me and my brother. safe in the fact my nan was the best replacement. and she was the best i could ever have wished for. Now things have changed. I'm looking after her, at first it was just she couldn't find her purse or she had put her medication somewhere and coudn't remember where. But in the last three months things have changed dramaticly. she no longer remembers what she said 10 seconds ago is incontinent argumentative will not eat or more she thinks she has when she hasn't. she has basically gone down hill very very fast she is on aricept. My main problem lies in her son my uncle lives with her and i feel he is making the situation worse. all he seems to do is get her that worked up she crys or worse still wanders out. I give her all her medication and care for her nearly all day every day but as soon as he comes home he undoes everything i've done. I want to give her the best possible care i can but feel i'm been hindered. My other problem is i have had to quit my job to care for her and receive no carers allowance or any other benefit which is also a strain as i have two children under 4 and a wife to care for. my wife supports me 100% but any money i could get would be a help but at the same time i dont want it to come out of my nanas money. my uncle will not move or let her be placed in a residential home which i do not want either realy. but it would make him homeless and at the moment he has no rent bills etc and she pays for all the food so there isn't much wonder he wont go. but i'm starting to feel if i cannot care for her 100% she will have to go in a home as she is becoming a danger to herself. I would appreciate any advice.
Many Thanks


Account Closed
Nov 23, 2007
Hello Rich

What sort of help are you looking for?
Carer's to look after your nan or monetary help.
Your Nan need's help, from what you have said.


Registered User
Jan 4, 2006
Hiya Richard,
What a frustrating your mum/dad involved in nan's care? As you say nan's safety is the paramount concern, and if she is wandering and endangering herself when you are not there, then action needs to be taken.

Do you have a social worker involved? Maybe you could discuss the situation with them. If your uncle does not perceive there to be a problem, you are going to have a difficult time resolving this.

Let us know how things go.


Tender Face

Account Closed
Mar 14, 2006
NW England
My other problem is i have had to quit my job to care for her and receive no carers allowance or any other benefit which is also a strain as i have two children under 4 and a wife to care for.
Richard, I am often the first to protest about our so called 'welfare state' - but this is unbelievable .... well done you trying to care for 'nan' .... BUT ......

I am sure there was someone in very similar circumstances posted on TP not so long ago - I will try check it out for you and see if they found any resolution .....



Account Closed
Nov 23, 2007
Hello Rich

May I be so bold as to ask what you are living on ?
2 children and a wife to look after ?
How do you manage ?
And you are receiving no money from the Goverment.


Registered User
Apr 11, 2008
Hello Rich
I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this position

When i had to leave work last year to care for my husband i was terrified of the finacial implications,but i contacted social services who gave me numbers to call

attendance allowance,carers allowance,help with housing costs,and
poll tax, there is a lot of help out there you just need to apply

contact citizens advice in the first instance, family credit may be another avenue to try

unfortunately all this takes a little time,but i hope you resolve this problem.
your nan is a lucky lady to have such a caring grandson

Short girl

Registered User
Mar 22, 2008

Firstly I admire you for what you have given up for your Nan - I am truly humbled as I don't think I could give up work - i can't afford to - I have 1 child and a husband with depression so not always supportive. But I do feel humbled when I read stuff on here and hear what people have given up.
You probably need to ask for your Nana to be assessed by social services and you need to ask for an assessment for yourself in your own right as a carer (Carers Recogition Act 1995 and there's another one too, but too late for me to recall that one) also, perhaps try to get your uncle on board with this, maybe he needs to understand his mother's condition more.
I moan about my Uncle and Aunt being at distance, but somebody on this site said, even when they're near they can be a hinderance more than a help! My Husband's Nan was basically abused by his Aunt, but sadly my Father in law could only do what he could, which was very little as my Nan in law would not hear a bad word about her daughter and my father in law did not want to rock any boats or wind up upetting his mother. Could there be any abuse from your Uncle - remember elder abuse takes many forms, there is a helpline, you can probably get info on the net.

Kate P

Registered User
Jul 6, 2007
Hi Rich,

I'm sorry your having such a difficult time right now and admire you for looking after your nan full time.

I don't understand why you aren't receiving carers allowance - from the little you've said you're caring for your nan for more than 35 hours a week and you don't have another job so you will qualify for it. Have you tried to claim - on what basis did they turn you down?

I would also ask who, if anyone has power of attorney for your nan? If anyone does have POA for your nan then they should be ensuring that her money is spent purely on her needs and not to subsidise your uncle - if he has to start paying his own way it may give him the incentive to get a place of his own or to start contributing to the household.

Can your mum and dad not speak to him about it?

Also have you had a carers assessment from Social Services? They may be able to offer you more help and you're doing a very difficult and demanding job so try and take any help you can get.


Registered User
Apr 16, 2008
just a thought

hi rich
My father in law went down hill fast and it turned out he had a water infection. He has stayed in a bad way but he has up days....not today though.If you can have it checked out as it can help. and any little raise in the condition can help greatly.

good luck s


Registered User
Mar 27, 2008
the more they both worked the better life they could give me and my brother
It seems that now is the time that you need a bit of a better life and some support. Maybe you could ask your mum/dad for help in dealing with her/his brother.

Best of luck