Can someone pleas explain....

min88cat

Registered User
Apr 6, 2010
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why SIL won't come down to see her Mum for the last time. Hubbie called her yesterday and said that she is now on borrowed time. Basically she could pass any time from now onwards according to the nursing staff in NH.

She said that she and her son are due to come down in October , so will combine this trip with a visit to her mum then.........:confused:

What on earth? Can we make it any plainer! What is wrong with people? It's her mother for heavens sake.:eek:
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
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Salford
I'm afraid you will find that. I had both my brothers do the same thing when Our Mum was in hospital and given very little time, whether it's fear of confronting death, seeing some one you love like that or having to confront we're all only mortal I don't know but I decided it wasn't worth falling out over, it's probably so deeply embedded in them that challenging it will serve no purpose. Now is not a time to start a row, accept that they are different to you (and me) and focus on what's important at this very difficult time, it is I think a decision they'll come to regret.
 

Butter

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Jan 19, 2012
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NeverNeverLand
My father and brother could not bear to come to my mother when she was dying.

Strangely enough, as I stayed with her, I wondered if I was the one who didn't care for her so much.
 

jenniferpa

Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
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Perhaps give it one more try pointing out in short words that her mother won't be here in October? How clear was your husband? Sometimes people hear what they want to hear and if there is any vagueness in what he said...

Of course, you could ask her if she will be able to make the funeral if it doesn't coincide with her trip. :rolleyes:

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.
 

min88cat

Registered User
Apr 6, 2010
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Thanks everyone for responding.

I overheard the conversation with his sister. He couldn't have made it more plain. I've got a feeling it will just be hubbie and me at the funeral, with her grandchildren. What a sad state of affairs.
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
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Near Southampton
Some people just seem to be wired up differently. I'd like to say that your SIL will come to regret not seeing her mother and saying goodbye to her but, sadly, I think that such people will always find a way of justifying their actions. Or they alter their memories to fit in with their wishes. I guess it is just selfishness.
I hope your MIL is not sufferering because her daughter is not there and that she is as peaceful as she can be at this time. Much sympathy to you and your husband. X
 

Noorza

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Jun 8, 2012
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There is no accounting for siblings, let them get on with it. I did have to laugh when one of my brothers asked by brother who takes mum's cash if he was going to visit mum in hospital. Then said "Silly me, of course you won't there's no cash machines there".

It's their consciences or lack of conscience that they'll have to deal with.

I bet she'll schedule in time for the reading of the will though.
 

uselessdaughter

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Jun 8, 2009
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West Country
This is a very difficult subject and I think we have to accept that everyone is different. Both my parents passed quickly and unexpectedly so we were never faced with the agonising decision of whether to be there or not.

All I can say is that my Mum was adamant that she did not want her husband or her children watching her die and made her wishes very clear on numerous occasions. She always said she would prefer us to remember her in happier times and not to have our final memories of her standing around a bed watching her fade away.

I arrived at the hospital after she had passed and did go to see her. She looked very peaceful but I have to say that for several years afterwards, every time I thought of her, which was often, I had to fight my way past the image of her lying there to the real Mum. For this reason I decided not to go and see my Dad after he passed a few weeks ago. I have too many awful memories of his suffering through his dementia journey to add the sight of his dead body to them and I have no regrets about my decision. But then I have had friends who have found comfort by sitting next to their parents bodies so, as I say, we are all different and everyone has to make their own decision. Your husband and laid it on the line to his sister and it is now up to her to make up her own mind. At least she cannot come back and say she didn't realise how near the end her Mum was.

I have always never understood it when people have said they wished they could have a loved one back for just a few minutes. I don't think I would survive having to lose them a second time.

Sorry if this offends anyone but it is just how I, personally, have felt.

Linda
 

Noorza

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Jun 8, 2012
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I do understand that feeling Linda, as have felt it. The pain of the loss was so great and so devastating that to have that pain disappear, to have the comfort of a hug for just a few minutes would have been worth a million pounds. That's how I felt about my Dad who died aged just fifty from cancer while I was a school aged teenager.

I think but don't know it will be different when mum passes, I think it will be a release for her and I wouldn't wish her back to suffer any more just to satisfy myself. I've also said all I need to say to her now while she's here, there are no lose ends and the timing will be in order, she will go as an old frail lady. I don't think I'll wish her back.

Who knows though until it happens.
 

Nebiroth

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Aug 20, 2006
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I agree, everyone is different. Some people simply have no desire to say goodbye or to see a loved one in a near-to-death state, instead, preferring the final memories to be of the person as they were when relatively well.

When my dad was gravely ill in hospital and the writing was really on the wall, we had not been to see him but our GP upon hearing the state of play suggested we should go right away "or you will regret it later". His inference was plain.

Unfortunately, my mum now regrets doing the visit, as her enduring and final memory of dad is his being a gaunt shell of a man lying in a hospital bed making pawing gestures at the oxygen mask with skeletal, bruised arms and making vague moaning noises. The bruises were from the fall which fractured his hip which was why he was there in the first place, the repair surgery was followed by a heart attack and pneumonia etc. He was out of things and on morphine and we were assured he was not truly conscious.

It was unbearable and I had to all but carry mum from the ward as she almost fainted at the sight and could not bear to stay. She does say "if only I had had the courage to stay with him" but I think the "goodbye" served no purpose. I had more or less worked out what we were going to see so the shock was not so great for me. The poor duty nurse got very flustered at mum's distress and gave her a hug - and offered the univeral British cure-all, a cup of tea! The consultant was very detached and clinical and I suspect that is how they have to be or they'd have a breakdown.

It also did not help that another patient being admitted to the same fracture ward whilst we were there was also obviously suffering from dementia or delirium and alternating between heart-rending screams and being abusive to the nurses. Luckily mum is hard of hearing so was spared much of that!
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
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Near Southampton
Some people simply have no desire to say goodbye or to see a loved one in a near-to-death state, instead, preferring the final memories to be of the person as they were when relatively well.

I think that applies to most people in that memories of a happy and healthy person are obviously preferable to those of someone at the very end of life.
However, surely we are there for the person who is dying, to give comfort and reassurance, rather than for ourselves, I would hate to think that a person I loved had to die alone just so that I was able to retain my memories of the person they once were. Only my opinion of course.
 
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LYN T

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Aug 30, 2012
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Brixham Devon
This decision has to be a purely personal one.I have actually cried over a pet hamster dying on it's own as I couldn't stand the thought of him not having any soothing comforting words as he died. (Yes I was grown up:D)

I don't think I could ever forgive myself if someone I loved died without me being there.(If I could get there of course) For me that would be worse than the shock of seeing a loved one in a state of near death. That is only my opinion and in no way judgemental if others feel differently.

Take care

Lyn T
 

marsaday

Registered User
Mar 2, 2012
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Just wondering-Is there a chance that SIL didn't get on with MIL? Even if hubby thinks she was the best Mum in the world, everyone's experience within a family is different. It could be that she harbours some resentment or ill-feeling that no-one is aware of-even your hubby. Believe me I have 2 brothers and they haven't a clue how hard things were for me growing up being main emoitional and practical support for a very needy mother. By contrast they were treated as, well- boys.