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Can my daughter move in to care for my parents who have dementia?

cinnamon1

New member
Jan 2, 2020
2
Both my parents have dementia and I'm their only relative in this country. I work full time and I try to care for my parents at the same time but it has been very difficult. My mum used to care for dad who has advanced dementia but now she's got the same thing and deteriorating fast.
My parents got lost for 6-8 hours a few times and the police had to be called.
My daughter is turning 18 soon this year and she would like to help to care for them by moving in their house (housing association). Would she be able to do that even though she will be studying medicine at the same time? The aim is for her to look after them in the evening with the help of a carer during the day.
I don't know how the housing association work (their website only allow me to add her name on as a renter, not a carer).
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
 

Bunpoots

Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
4,591
Nottinghamshire
Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @cinnamon1

I’m not sure about the situation with a housing association but a few years back it seemed like a good idea for my daughter to help to care for her grandad to earn a bit of pocket money to see her through her final year at university. Nothing much, just a bit of cleaning and gardening and keep him company. Within a year her Grandad’s needs and personality had changed so much that my daughter couldn’t bear to be near him. I wish I’d not gone along with the idea it was too much for someone so young to deal with. My daughter’s memory of my dad are not pleasant anymore and she used to adore him. If he realised he would’ve been heartbroken.
She didn’t live with her grandad either. Do you think your daughter would be able to cope emotionally? Would she be able to find time to study and cope with the constant demands of a PWD?

Have a read around the forum to see what sort of demands are put on a carer before you decide. It might be kinder for everyone to look at professional care if your parents now need 24/7 supervision.

I’m sorry I can’t be more positive.
 

Dunroamin

Registered User
May 5, 2019
37
sorry, but I am at a loss how you think your daughter could maintain her studies whilst caring like this. Perhaps look at more structured care and also benefits.
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,239
Welcome to the forum. My first thought was for your daughter, as caring for one person with dementia is very hard but caring for two - one very advanced and the other deteriorating fast - will be very difficult for your daughter to cope with. She will be busy studying and it won't just be a case of looking after them every evening but also during the night too. At 17 she really needs to have a life of her own - has she had experience of looking after your parents on her own previously and carrying out their personal care? Sorry to sound negative but I think it will turn out to be too much for her to cope with but as Bunpoots has suggested, perhaps she should take a read through this forum before she agrees to a caring role.

With regards the housing association, these all have different policies/rules so you will need to check with them directly as to what the position would be if your daughter moved in. Have you been in touch with social services to see if they can carry out a care needs assessments for your parents? They may be able to provide some extra help with the caring but are unlikely to provide night time cover.
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
2,319
I'm sorry to say this but you don't seem to have allocated anytime for your daughter to go out with her friends and have fun. Surely 18 is too young to have your life controlled by dementia.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
1,848
North West
Its tough getting in to read medicine so your daughter has done well to get that far, its also tough completing a 5 year degree program that will require her to do clinical time and sit exams as well as finding her own way in life.

I think your daughter will be retreating quicker than you think as the pressure on her course sets in and the care becomes all consuming or she will sacrifice all of her hard work which I am sure her grandparents would not want, though noble the idea is.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,853
South coast
Looking after 2 people with dementia is going to be a 24/7 job. It may start off small, but pretty soon it will take over her whole life and, I do assure you, she will not have time to study too - especially something as demanding as medicine. One or the other will fail - quite possibly both. Please dont ask her to do it. Get professionals in.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,008
London
I'm sorry to say that an18 year old student really shouldn't be saddled with looking after two people with dementia. It's not just house sitting and cooking a few meals, it's a 24/7 job, especially if they are prone to wandering off. It wouldn't be fair on her nor on your parents, who deserve professional carers and an input from social services with regards to a care package instead.
 

cinnamon1

New member
Jan 2, 2020
2
Thank you so much everyone for your advice.
I was thinking of my daughter 'just looking after them at night' and have a carer during the day but you are right, it will be too much responsibility for a young person with full time study and social life to be saddled with this much.
I have contacted social services and waiting to hear back from them. I'm very new to this and currently we only have 2 hours of care per day paid for, the rest I'm paying myself.
Thanks again for your help, very much appreciated.
 

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