Can I ... Should I?

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
0
London
Sam, you're absolutely right not to force her to eat or drink. Remember, she is not dying because she isn't eating or drinking, she's not eating or drinking because she's dying. Sorry if that sounds brutal, but I think pain relief is the most important thing now.

Consider yourself hugged. I know how stressful it is when someone suddenly deteriorates and you have dozens of people trampling through your home, and only some of them being helpful.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
Evening all,

Sam, I am so glad that you have - finally - had dealing with 'Care Professionals' who actually do care!

My Mum's situation was complicated somewhat by being in a care home, so I could not just give her the meds I knew she needed :( My MIL died at home, as a result of cancer primarily, and the NHS funded Marie Curie nurses to sleep over several times a week to give my SIL (who was living there) a break. I am really hoping this kind of thing will be provided for you too Sam.

It is utterly iniquitous that people with dementia should have to fund their own care, when those with other conditions don't :mad: However, that should not be an issue now that your mum is now being looked after by the Palliative Care team. Things like the bed and recliner chair, pressure mattress etc should all be provided (loaned) FOC.

You are absolutely right to let your mum eat and drink as and when she wants. I think the saying is 'They are not dying because they are not taking food and drink; they are not taking food and drink because they are dying' :( The body no longer needs the nutrition as organs are shutting down (which is how my Mum carried on for 19 days with no food or even a sip of water!).

I'm sorry, I know these words seem so harsh when they are written down like this (((hugs)))

Evening @Slugsta

I’m hopeful that now I will get some real support & idea of what happens next. I wouId be ecstatic if I could get some night support, so long as they wake me if things are not looking good.

I’ve just bought a second bed, ok I didn’t spend a lot, but it took time to sort out, I’m glad I don't now have to fork out even more cash, but if they will sort the equipment that helps. The care costs are something I have to keep on top of, to check there is enough cash

No cakes, no biscuits, the occasional cup of tea, but mostly water, even milk seems like an effort too far. She’s having a little to eat, but only once or occasionaly twice a day, but it’s not even enough to cover a side plate. I’m not trying to starve her, but I don’t want to push her either. I feel like a pig, eating a normal meal, while she has 2 spoons of mashed potato

Your words aren’t harsh, they are honest. I do honesty. I much prefer it.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
She’s having a little to eat, but only once or occasionaly twice a day, but it’s not even enough to cover a side plate. I’m not trying to starve her, but I don’t want to push her either.
Thats the best way. Eventually she will stop eating and drinking anything at all, and thats when it gets really distressing and you have to remind yourself that is it the normal way and that her body is closing down
((((hugs)))))
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
Hi @Beate

Nice to see you, hope you are doing ok o_O I’m trying to stay on top of her pain, but her headaches are brutal. I tried asking that GP if they were likely related to her innumerable bleeds, but he didn’t answer :( I’m guessing they are

The few people I’ve tokd are shocked the hospice care is being considered. They don’t see her struggling to get up, walk, use the bathroom. She doesn’t actually say much, so they don’t notice the slurred speach. I’m noticing how people don't listen these days :(

It does feel like everyone is coming in all the time. Mum is tired of it & has told me she’s not getting up tomorrow as she doesn’t want to see anyone else o_O I know how she feels :(
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
I’m just going with what she wants @canary Each time she says she will have something, I get that tiny bit of hope, but she struggles to eat & I feel like she’s pushing herself through the motions.

I almost wish she’d just be honest & say she doesn’t want anything. I feel like I’m making her eat by guilting her into it, but I’m not pressurising her at all. It’s hard to work out what to do
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I’m trying to stay on top of her pain, but her headaches are brutal. I tried asking that GP if they were likely related to her innumerable bleeds, but he didn’t answer :( I’m guessing they are
When OH had his stroke and lost the use of his leg and arm he too had really bad headaches. I was told that aspirin was the best for it - but you would have to check that it doesnt interfere with anything else she is taking.
 

Earthgirl72

Registered User
Feb 2, 2016
135
0
I have nothing wise or helpful to offer so just stopping by with a hug and to let you know I'm thinking of you xx
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,758
0
South coast of England
Morning all,

Sam, I am wondering if the headaches are being made worse by dehydration. The brain cells don't like being parched! Not much you can do about it if our mum doesn't want to drink though! Just make sure she has water to hand and give aspirin/paracetamol (I find paracetamol is the only thing that hits an 'ordinary' headache - not migraine- and my oramorph can actually make them worse) as needed.
 

Margi29

Registered User
Oct 31, 2016
1,224
0
Yorkshire
It must have been awful for you @Slugsta watching and waiting for your mum to pass over such a long time.
Dad aspirated, he struggled for approximately a night and half a day, it was terrible, in the end I was practically begging him to go ( the thought of those hours still can reduce me to tears)

Sending you hugs x
 

Margi29

Registered User
Oct 31, 2016
1,224
0
Yorkshire
Hi @Sam Luvit , sending hugs. Please ask for absolutely everything you can possibly get i.e. Bed , commode
If possible night sitting paid by NHS. Husband had a nasty accident, he was loaned all furniture by ss.
Dad got all as well. But never offered night sitting, you need all the help now x
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
Liquid paracetamol is a good idea.

I'm sorry she is in such pain and hope it can be eased.

You are doing a fabulous job, although I bet it doesn't feel that way.

Have a big helping of ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) today.
 

Rolypoly

Registered User
Jan 15, 2018
2,319
0
Just been catching up on your thread. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Take care and sending lots of hugs your way.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
Mum was drinking tons @Slugsta & had the headaches, not drinking as much, still got the headaches. My gut feeling is the bleeds causing pressure are to cause, but it’s just a guess

I can get the morning & evening paracetamol in her relatively easily, but during the day it’s a nightmare, unless she’s in loads of pain, she still refuses even then

Hospice nurse told her she needs to have 4 a day to keep in top of the pain, it’s very important.... we will see
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
Hi @Margi29

Profile bed is coming Sunday, along with loo seat raiser, I think commode & something else (I’ve forgotten). They are arranging for a massage for me :rolleyes: :D Wow. Didn’t see that coming. They just phoned &, yes & a night sitter on Sunday :eek: Oh my, I’m so spoilt :)

Mum is not keen on the bed idea. She sort of agrees, then tells brother she doesn’t want it. She also told brother she has to try or she won’t be able to do anything & that’s why she was trying when she fell :(

She’s forgotten why, but she knows she didn’t like the doctor. :oops:
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
6,083
0
East Sussex
Thank you @Amy in the US hugs are always appreciated & no I don’t feel like I’m doing well at all. I barely get the washing up done each day & it took me all day to hoover yesterday (Mum kept falling asleep & I didn’t want to wake her)

I’m hoping the liquid paracetamol arrives soon & she takes it

I have changed her sheets today, but I need to get the washing in before the temperature drops & it starts to get damp again o_O