Can I ... Should I?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Sam Luvit, Oct 26, 2016.

  1. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,113
    East Sussex
    Hi @Slugsta

    Well obviously, you decided to swing from the cupboard as you didn’t have a chandelier :rolleyes::D:p I know dad always tried to hang on a cupboard after he put one up, to make sure it wouId stay in the wall once filled with heavy objects :rolleyes:, but no one is going to try to pull them off the wall.

    While interest rates are so low on savings, it makes financial sense to pay off anything with a higher interest, than to save. I’m probably in a minority in wishing for interest rate rises :rolleyes:

    The App says it’s not so cold, but the wind is biting & it just wouldn’t stop drizzling yesterday, so Pooch got a bit damp. It’s a whopping 1* now, but it feels like it’s in the minus’s :eek:

    It’s mums birthday today, :( Another “first” ... they seem to be coming thick & fast o_O
     
  2. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,607
    USA
    Oh, Sam, your mum's birthday today already?

    The "firsts" are not fun and I'm sorry.
     
  3. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Sam (((hugs))), these firsts are a bu$$er!
     
  4. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    4,646
    Female
    Chester
    Hope you are OK sam, sending some hugs

    We have snow here, the kids have played out in it for a couple of hours, it had frozen after falling this morning, was very icy driving in it here, slushy at my destination. Not alot of snow but they managed to scrape enough soft snow off the trampoline to make a mini snowman
     
  5. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,113
    East Sussex
    Yes @Amy in the US it’s her birthday. Last year, a couple of weeks after the stroke, she was home & I invited a few friends round for tea :D Told them it was 3-5 & no longer, a two hour window was as long as she could manage, as she got very tired. She was shocked, but pleased (laughed afterwards) as at 4.59 I stood up & said the open house is now closed so ****** off you lot :eek: It’s a bitter sweet memory.

    It’s dad’s birthday next week. I was in Liverpool with @Margi29 for that first :( I’m so thankful she was there to get me through that one ;)
     
  6. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,113
    East Sussex
    I found the “seconds” much harder than the ‘firsts” with dad ... I think it was @LadyA who said the “seconds” are the realisation that it’s over & it’s not going to get better :(

    I’ve had my birthday, their Wedding Anniversary, Christmas, New Year & mums birthday in less than five months. At least baby girl arrived safely ... I’m going to visit at the weekend .. :D

    Gotta keep looking forward :rolleyes:
     
  7. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,113
    East Sussex
    Hi @jugglingmum

    I’m ok, just a few wobbles. I’m keeping busy & trying not to think too much .. as you do o_O Thanks for the hugs. I’m stopping off to see a friend on the way up the road. She will stick me up on real life hugs ..

    No snow here so far, we were expecting some today, but it didn’t arrive. It’s expected Friday & Saturday, but I’m hoping I’ll skirt round it on the drive to & from my baby girl visiting. I don’t mind driving in it, but as I don’t do long distance so much now, I’d prefer not to have that as well ... 2.5 hours is long enough,without a snow & icy slow down.

    The kids are disappointed about the snow (or lack of it), I’ll bet yours were delighted. I love seeing the kids playing in it, they always look so happy. Personally I just want to hibernate :D
     
  8. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,607
    USA
    Some Nana Sam time with that baby is absolutely something to look forward to.

    I'm another person who found the seconds worst than the firsts. I expected the first everything (birthday, anniversary, Christmas, you name it) to be awful, and it was, but somehow never thought about the second anything, until it happened.

    (((((((((Hugs)))))))))

    Will Pooch go with you at the weekend?
     
  9. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,366
    Ireland
    Yeah. It was a neighbour (a widow) who had originally told me. She said that during the first year, we kind of focus on getting past all those "firsts" - first birthday, first anniversary, first Christmas, etc., and we know those are going to be very hard. But that suddenly, all the firsts that we've been concentrating on getting over, have passed, and we suddenly realise that getting past that wasn't a "goal" - the person is still dead, and it's not going to change. Things won't go back to how they used to be. So, the second year kind of starts us grieving again, when we realise.
     
  10. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Morning all,

    Wise words from LadyA! I know I found Christmas harder this year, partly because I was just so relieved it was over last year. Yes, we do tend to be prepared for the firsts, then grief creeps up and bites us on the bum when we are not expecting it :(

    Sam, I'm soooooo glad that you are going to get some baby time :) I hope the bed weather stays away so that the journey is as good as possible.

    It looks as if we won't get anything worse than sleet, weather-wise.

    I have cancelled my meet up with TM today as I have a rather hoarse voice. It is actually a bit better but I know that several hours chatting with him will return me to 'squeak mode' again.
     
  11. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,113
    East Sussex
    Evening @Amy in the US

    I’m looking forward to Nana Sam time. I’m really hoping they are at the stage where someone else holding baby girl will be a welcome relief to them :rolleyes: ... I might get more than a five minute cuddle :D

    I found dad’s ‘seconds” much harder, it was also my first year with mum, selling my home & leaving a job I used to love :(, so it was just everything.

    Pooch is staying here, my lovely neighbour friend will have him. I feel it wouId be too unsettling taking him, as I’ll drive for an hour & stay with a friend. Then drive for another hour & stay with youngest for a few hours before driving 2.5 hours home. He’s good in the car, but ... it’s a lot in a short time. It will also reintroduce him to me going away & coming home. If I want a holiday, he’s going to have to do that later in the year :rolleyes:
     
  12. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,113
    East Sussex
    It’s so true @LadyA , the “seconds” just reinforce the finality of it all

    I found the comment of “but you’ve done all the firsts now & it’s been nearly two years ...” the most hurtful. As if losing a loved one is somehow just gotten over :(
     
  13. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,113
    East Sussex

    Evening @Slugsta

    Yes, I too just focused on getting through this Christmas. Depending on where I am, I might try something very different this year.

    I’m looking forward to Baby Girl time :p Hopefully we can talk over a few things too, like setting up regular meetings & maybe chatting a bit more. I’ve been feeling a bit isolated these last few weeks & I need to focus on good things

    The weather is definately “bed weather” :D:D:D However ... we have snow & it’s laying. I picked up big brother & he came over for a few hours. I took Pooch out for a quick walk before driving him home & the roads were white :eek: I just hope it melts & doesn't freeze. The M25 & snow is not a fun drive.

    I’m on the mend from the lurgi, hope your hoarse voice doesn’t develop into it :eek:
     
  14. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Morning all,

    We have snow! OK, not much by the look of it, but snow nonetheless. Cue everything coming to a halt, as tends to happen with anything more than a heavy frost.

    Sam, I hope the roads have cleared by the time you have to drive (((hugs))).

    My voice has almost returned, it is at the 'unpredictable' stage where I don't know whether I am going to squeak, growl or something in between.

    Keep warm and safe everyone.
     
  15. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,607
    USA
    Wishing you clear roads and an easy journey, Sam!
     
  16. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,113
    East Sussex
    Snow melted this morning @Slugsta, for which I was grateful. Roads were clear as I set off, started snowing mid way, but the roads were wet with rain, so nothing laying

    It’s still snowing now, several hours so far, but so far ... melting on impact o_O

    It always makes me laugh, the way the shelves empty within an hour of 3 snowflakes. :D:D:D Im just “business as normal”. It snows, I drive slower & chuck a fleece in the car
     
  17. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Glad the roads have been OK thus far Sam, hoping there is no significant snowfall overnight.

    I'm afraid I haven't put my nose outside today so don't know what the world is like beyond our patch of grass :oops:
     
  18. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,113
    East Sussex
    Pretty ok drive to see my friend. Really good to catch up & she spoilt me rotten. Massive take away we all sat & ate together, a few drinks, lots of chat & she just made me feel good about myself.

    It started snowing half way there, continued for several hours after I arrived, but all melted in the morning.

    Drove on to see youngest. Rubbish traffic 5 miles from them (average speed of 2.5 mph ... yes, I was that bored I calculated it whilst sitting in the car). Youngest came out & hugged the life out of me :D I got indoors & was handed Baby Girl :p She is sooooo cute. I got so many cuddles. It was like I was the focus, she just being handed back to me after feeds & changes & other cuddles. I’m feeling so good

    Youngest kept giving me hugs :D He said he has been so tired, he didn’t know which way was up. I was honest & said I’ve struggled the last few weeks, mums birthday last week, it’s dads this week & everyone has been busy so I’ve gone days without seeing anyone at all. They are going to drive down to me in a fortnight. Big brother will get to meet his Great Niece :D

    I’ve driven home uplifted. Pooch was sooooo excited to see me he was squeaking :eek: Jumping up, running round nearly tripping me up. He’s curled up by me now :)

    It’s hard to explain to people, but when you’ve lived it, you know. I expected 12 - 16 years of gradual deterioration, I only got 3 years, the last few months were anything but gradual. But, for 3 years I thought of Mum first, of what she needed, what she wanted what might make her smile. Now the manic sort out is over, I’m trying to work out who I am & what to do.

    Finding a path is not easy. Self doubts creep in. Isolation is all too easy :rolleyes:

    I’m trying to be honest with youngest, but not pressure them. I’m cutting ties with negativity. I’m planning for my future. Whatever that might be
     
  19. CeliaW

    CeliaW Registered User

    Jan 29, 2009
    5,649
    Hampshire
    Sending a supportive hug Sam. Glad you had a good time away.

    A day at a time and baby steps for now as you get used to your changed life and priorities- it might not feel feasible at present but you will get there xx
     
  20. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Morning all,

    Welcome home Sam. I'm glad you had a good time away, with lots of cuddles. It is natural to feel 'down' on returning home but that doesn't make it any easier (((hugs))).
     

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