Can I ... Should I?

[Sam Luvit]

Hi @Margi29

I’m getting there. I’m stepping back a bit. She has a choice to follow instructions or not. I’ve not the fight any more. I just put my hands in the air & tell I love the zimmer she’s not using lol

I drove out of our road, across the front & into their road, it meant Mum had less far to walk. She was a lot more cooperative after her near face plant at the dentist

Tea party was ok. I kept being told I look tired. Not sure how they think I should look I do wonder about people sometimes

Anyway. I’m off to Eastbourne tomorrow with J. Going to look at some shops & if it’s not freezing cold, sit by the marina with a coke

I might drag out a case & upset pooch, I need to see what I need to buy, time is getting short now ....

However, the mental health team, who wouId call me in 3 or 4 weeks, called this morning to arrange a phone consult tomorrow Whatever did my doctor tell them

 

[Slugsta]

Evening all,

Sam, I am glad that the dental appointment has been and gone. Also glad that you 'persuaded' your mum to go to the birthday tea.

Hope the phone appointment goes well tomorrow.

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi @Slugsta

It’s been a long day. I’m a bit, I don’t know, “whatever” about tomorrow. I have so many emotions battling around. I’m cross, indifferent, frustrated, irritated, the only thing I’m definately not, is happy.

I know I used anger to get me through before, I know I them had to work on getting over that. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t think I’m a naturally angry person. Sure some people wind me up, but I prefer words to diffuse not escalate.

I use anger to stop the tears. I’m angry a lot right now.

 

[2jays]

xxxxxx

Well past your bedtime

And mine

The squeaky wheel gets heard,....

so does the angry wheel.... but only if the angry wheel doesn’t rant and rave.... if it is quietly angry and says things as they are and calmly insists on support and if tears happen, that’s not a negative, it is as it is

Not easy when your get up and go is a past memory

Not easy when the guilt monster is on your shoulder

Not easy when you feel you are weak because, you are ok if only you could get.....

Go to bed

I know it means wake up to another tomorrow of angst... but sleep is needed to face the tomorrows

Hugs xx

 

[Amethyst59]

I can’t think of anything helpful to say, because I feel overwhelmed on your behalf. I’m reading, caring....and hoping that someone somewhere steps in and gives you the help you need.

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi @2jays

I fell asleep in the lounge, got up & went to bed. I’m getting slightly more sleep these last few nights, around 7 hours, although with lots of restless periods. I’m doing a lot of walking away. I’m doing little bits of clearing paperwork. It all helps. I am tearful though

D the lovely support worker hasn’t been for 2 weeks. He’s shocked at the change in Mum, so it’s not my imagination that she’s deteriorated, he saw it himself just now. He also said “they” have been talking about me. That feels a bit uncomfortable but I guess they need to know how we are both doing to support Mum well

I’m going out for a few hours today with J (lovely neighbour), it’s blooming cold, but it’ll be out the house & J the befriender is here. I’ve no doubt Mum will be telling her to go away & not come again, but hey ho, it’s my tiny bit of freedom. Those few hours are indescribable. It’s like a weight slips off my shoulders & I want to laugh & smile & talk to people.

I’m stressing over leaving Mum, but I also just want to walk away & never come back. Guilt. Yes, there is plenty of that. I know I can’t make Mum better, but right now, I feel I’m making her worse. A week apart may well do us both good. You just never know do you

 

[Sam Luvit]

Thanks @Amethyst59

I know there isn’t much anyone can say, just got to keep on plodding on. I have my mental health chat this afternoon, I hope that leads to a few weeks of counselling. I know lots of people run from the idea of that, but it helped before, so I’m pinning my hopes on getting back on track with that & a weeks break

We don’t ask for much really. Pity we don’t get even that :-(

Right. Pooch walk time

 

[Slugsta]

Afternoon all,

Sam, I don't know that you are making your mum worse - where would she be now without you? What I do know is that a week away from her will do you the world of good and will do her no harm. When you get back from your break, please make sure you have something else planned to look forward to. Even small things regularly will help you get through (((hugs))).

 

[rosy18]

Thinking of you and sending warm (((hugs))).

 

[Sam Luvit]

@Slugsta its just that I know Mum has been better when I can keep her anxiety levels down. Right now, I’m not managing that. She trues to tell the support workers not to come, won’t use the zimmer, hurries down the stairs etc etc etc & I’m akways telling her to slow down or not to do something. It feels like I’m adding to her stress levels, rather than bringing them down

Tomorrow, it’s always tomorrow isn’t it. Anyway. Tomorrow I’m going to try getting Mum to the day centre. That’s the plan. Get here there. Get her in & hopefully get her to go twice a week so I get some breathing space. That’s the plan.

 

[Sam Luvit]

Thinking of you and sending warm (((hugs))).

Thanks @rosy18 I couid sure do with one. I’ve just had the phone assessment, I think I made him cry Apparently I need some help

 

[Margi29]

Hope today was good with J, just to escape for a while, a chat, coffee, and a conversation other than dementia x

Thinking of you and the phone assessment , big hugs x

 

[Sam Luvit]

Yes thanks @Margi29 it was nice to get out with J, I even bought a black bikini top to go with the 5 bottoms already purchased lol.

I’ve also has a bit of a clear out. I’ve filled 3 large Primark bags with clothes I’ll never wear again. My wardrobe is looking a little sparse I found a few dresses that I’ll probably never have a chance to wear, but couldn’t bring myself to charity shop them just yet, they are beautiful & have memories.

Mum is presently ignoring me. I’ve tried asking her if she’s ok a few times, but got a very soulful “we’re fine” (that’s her & pooch). She also looked at me, moved the zimmer aside, looked at me again & wall hopped out the lounge. I said nothing.

 

[Amethyst59]

Thanks @rosy18 I couid sure do with one. I’ve just had the phone assessment, I think I made him cry Apparently I need some help

Well, have one from me too. And well done for not playing the ‘I’m fine’ card, on the phone. Hopefully you will get some help, too.

 

[DollyBird16]

Yeah @Sam Luvit great to read you told it like it is. X

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

Keep going Sam, you are absolutely doing the right thing and we are all behind you.

 

[Sam Luvit]

Well, have one from me too. And well done for not playing the ‘I’m fine’ card, on the phone. Hopefully you will get some help, too.

Thanks @Amethyst59 gratefully accepted . It feels better to have said some of my bad stuff out loud. I know I say some here. I just hope they can help me come to terms with the feeling I have & how to deal with them

 

[Sam Luvit]

To be honest @DollyBird16 I was feeling fine, but he started asking questions & I cracked. He kept asking & it just came out. It’s like there was a tiny crack & he pulled it open. Even just that one 45 minutes chat made me feel less of a failure

 

[Sam Luvit]

Morning @Norfolk Cherry

I keep on plodding. I’m not excited about going on holiday, but the thought of not being here with Mum is a massive prize I’m trying to run to. It feels like walking in treacle, but I’m pushing through

The sun is out today. Lots of clear blue sky & I'm sitting in the conservatory with the window open. Pooch will be getting a longer walk this morning & then if it’s still bright I’m going to try out the new power jet cleaner outside the back door. It looks horrid after the snow & grime we’ve had

Who knows, I might even plant some indoor bulbs I got for Mum. She can then kill them off whike I’m away lol

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

Morning @Norfolk Cherry

I keep on plodding. I’m not excited about going on holiday, but the thought of not being here with Mum is a massive prize I’m trying to run to. It feels like walking in treacle, but I’m pushing through

The sun is out today. Lots of clear blue sky & I'm sitting in the conservatory with the window open. Pooch will be getting a longer walk this morning & then if it’s still bright I’m going to try out the new power jet cleaner outside the back door. It looks horrid after the snow & grime we’ve had

Who knows, I might even plant some indoor bulbs I got for Mum. She can then kill them off whike I’m away lol

Haha, oh I feel for you. It's so complicated when your relationship as a child with your mum was not easy and loving, as I know. That's one of the things I struggle with as I feel my life closing in on me. I'm kind of dreading our holiday as I'm fearful of what will happen. Have got carers 3 x a day plus an overall carer who will respond to calls instead of me. We've just got to push on and do it Sam! Stuff the guilt monster. We do have a right to some pleasure in life despite our mum's best efforts, surely! Enjoy that sunshine Sam!