Can I ... Should I?

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,658
East Sussex
Oh. I forgot to mention the financial assessment... tick box exercise. Grrrr

I was struggling, I know I use anger to keep my inadequancies at bay, it’s the only way I can function, when I’m falling

So, she arrives, all efficient & talking about laptops. Falsely bright. Full of her own importance. I’m sure she’s lovely, but not today ... not to me .. not how I’m feeling

So I start with the question. Do you treat stocks & shares as income or capital? It’s capital. Unless it’s previously been out in a trust, it’s capital that’s been invested. Fine. In that case, this is a tick box exercise. Mum is self funding. That sure took the wind out of her sails. She told me I could sign a “refusal to disclose” & that wouId be that. Seriously, refusal. Go shove that hun

Told her I’m under the Doc, I have issues, but 3 years with sweet nothing in support will do that to you ... also told her I’ve done her job, but at a higher level. She got the message. She don’t scare me

I then pulled out the assessment by ASC, pointed out, they have copied & pasted the 2016 report, the one I slated them on, the one that says Mum is just fine. The report that says Mum does everything. Finances. Paperwork. Everything. The one that says she is cured. Suggested she ask then to share the cure. We’d all like that one.

She told me to contact them. I did that 2 years ago. They said they wouId update it. Seems like that didn’t happen.

I explained, in the scheme of things, I couldn’t care less, but if I get hit by the proverbial bus, stuck in a hospital, If they send paperwork or invoices to Mum, their paperwork will mean they expect Mum to deal. I need them to get it right. Mum wouId leave it for Sam. They need to get it right. If Sam ain’t here, ASC need to know Mum won’t be dealing.

So. Bottom line is Mum is self funding. ASC need to up their game on their paperwork & they can go to hades in a heartbeat.

Mum came in half way through. Vague. Off in cookoo land. Sure showed she wasn’t on this planet today. Who does the paperwork. Sam does. Who does the finances. Sam does.

Could have kissed Mum. She was pitch perfect with no idea of what she was doing. I’d said about her not being able to write a cheque. Lol, didn’t Mum try to sign the laptop form with an ordinary pen. Lady nearly messed herself. I was totally calm .... Mum, you need to use the lady’s pen, it’ll work just fine ..

So, we are back on our own, funding whatever we need.

Refusal to disclose ... go take a hike ... I refused nothing ... I just couldn’t be bothered. I did rattle off figures, as you do, when you’ve done that for a few years.

Another box ticked by ASC. No doubt another case closed. It’s just great how the stats get massaged
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
287
You are further down the road with this than me Sam, I get what you are saying and I'm listening to your advice. Sounds like you have had some bad experiences with the people who are supposed to be helping, I'm sorry you have been left with this. I'm going to start looking at care homes so that when the time comes, we can move her. I think the bottom line is that this doesn't come between me and my husband and my own children and grandchildren. In my head I'm setting a time limit of another two years, that will be ten years from the beginning. I just hope I can do it.
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,473
Kent
Haha, this is so awful! I get the bit about your dad not knowing what he wants, it's so sad. It's just not right that our most vulnerable people are cared for by the lowest paid, least trained workers?
Nightmare.
It was terrible...she was a middle aged lady...she did M to F and I continued to do weekends. I wanted to throw her out but wanted to remain calm and professional while she was shouting at me..poor dad had never seen anything like it and she didn't acknowledge him once..she spoke to the agency..I spoke to the agency..I was speechless when they described her temper as a clash of personality and said as they had no one could she continue! Absolutely not...she made it very clear what she thought of me and to behave so unprofessionally in front of dad was unforgivable...I would have expected her to calmly tell her boss that she didn't feel it was the right placement for her. I had a couple of niggly concerns about her before that and my instinct was proved right. But I was glad she had exploded when I was there and not dad on his own thank goodness this happened early on in the 6th day. The last straw was when she started to critisise me and my care of dad and after finding mum dead then having to move in straightaway to look after dad as he would have neglected or wandered off and OH just havng veen diagnosed with an incurable illness which meant risk of infection I couldn't sadly have dad living with me. That really upset me so I calmly held my temper and I gave it to her with both barrels and said she should go and wait for the agency to pick her up outside.So I decided dad was too vulnerable by then and sadly had to look at a NH.

I emailed the agency with the full facts as I was so disgusted by their attitude and reported it to CQC as I was worried this carer would be sent elsewhere. It took 10 days but the agency owner phoned to say they had someone else to replace...that they had suspended the carer after an investigation...and offered me 1 week free care....too little too late...not putting dad at risk again!
 

Norfolk Cherry

Registered User
Feb 17, 2018
287
What a dreadful experience for you and your poor dad, I'm so sorry. At least you did the right thing in reporting it and making sure your dad got the very best treatment.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,658
East Sussex
Morning @Norfolk Cherry

Blooming chilly here & the support worker turned up half an hour early, so I’m not venturing outside just yet. Brrr it’s more than chilly.

It’s hard when you realise that as a non medically trained person, a little reading & listening, will leave you more informed than the ones supporting you o_O It’s definately squeaky wheel or who shouts loudest, on getting any help.

I think one of the things I struggle with is having no idea of how long this will go on for. I don’t know if it’s the stroke or the disease that’s caused this latest change, so she could recover her balance or not. My limit will be when I can’t do it, which could be next week, next year or another x years. The guilt of that is awful, as that means I’m working out when Mum will die. Not exactly something we can talk about in the real world without being seen as some kind of monster :(

I’d certainly ask around about care homes, but things change, so you’d need to keep up with which ones have deteriorated. From what I’ve heard, the most expensive is not always the best. The best one in our area is one of the cheapest. They are bad at form filling, but the staff care. I’d take caring staff over pretty decorations any day of the week

Yes, look after your family & those relationships. They matter. You matter. It’s hard, but you have to look after you & yours even more than you need to look after your mum o_O
 

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
West Midlands
Sam!!!!

Why were you still awake at 3.35am????

For goodness sake look after yourself !

Consider yourself told off for not snugging down earlier and trying to switch off

I know :( HUGS HUGE SQUISHY ONES
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,658
East Sussex
It just beggars belief @love.dad.but.. at how some people get into the care industry at all. It’s not a job, it’s simething you need some empathy to do.

I've met a few people who have an “entitled” attitude, they always blame personality clashes for their shortcomings. It’s never them :-(
 

love.dad.but..

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
4,473
Kent
It just beggars belief @love.dad.but.. at how some people get into the care industry at all. It’s not a job, it’s simething you need some empathy to do.

I've met a few people who have an “entitled” attitude, they always blame personality clashes for their shortcomings. It’s never them :-(
I felt that she told the agency and me in answer to my questions what we wanted to hear regarding her dementia experience and they readily accepted it because carers are in short supply. An experienced dementia carer would only needed to have spent half an hour with dad to know his stage that he couldn't ask for anything or prepare meals. What annoyed me most apart from her attitude was that was his only chance of a hot meal and she was happy to deny him by not just making one and giving it to him. She was not willing to adapt to dad's routine and follow procedures such as medication recording which I picked up and the agency had already taken her to task on so I was already having serious doubts. 1 to 1 can only work if total trust is there for everyone. I desperately wanted it to work but it taught me quite a few things when I then looked for a care home.

Anyway less about me and my dad. Sorry you didn't sleep well last night and hope you catch up on some today.
 

Lavender45

Registered User
Jun 7, 2015
1,598
Liverpool
It just beggars belief @love.dad.but.. at how some people get into the care industry at all. It’s not a job, it’s simething you need some empathy to do.

I've met a few people who have an “entitled” attitude, they always blame personality clashes for their shortcomings. It’s never them :-(
I sound like I'm defending poor care, but I don't mean to. I think part of the problem is that people are in the position of applying for jobs they are unsuited to for fear of being sanctioned. As rule care jobs be it in a care home or the community are paid around minimum wage and often have high staff turnover so these jobs are always on offer.

You are right Sam caring takes a special kind of person, but it's definitely undervalued. A good carer is worth their weight in gold if you ask me.

I'm a bit concerned that this view might be seen as too political, I hope not, but if a moderator feels it is then I apologise up front.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,658
East Sussex
Whatever are you apologising for @love.dad.but.. , I can’t hog the whole conversation, it wouId be very very boring.

The “silly girl” that Mum cannot stand is very like your description of your hapless Carer. This one wouldn’t do things the way I said. She insisted on making the bed, when I was changing the sheets every day. She always told Mum she was running late, so Mum tried to rush & was slower (& a nightmare for a few hours after) but her flicking through the care plan saying “it doesn’t mention Alzheimers... it wouId be at the front if she had it .. are you sure”. That really wound me up
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,658
East Sussex
Hi @Lavender45

Yes there is pressure to apply for jobs, but you can say you are not suited or don’t have any experience or a number of other things. I think some people in care jobs, think of them as a job. A number of calls to get through. They don’t see the person.

A half decent agency offers at least basic training. I think that those that care, learn. Those that just see the money, don’t. Yes, decent carers are worth every penny, they are often on minimum wage, but lots of jobs are the same. A half decent agency pays better to keep the good ones. (Fords law of economics, makes it more expensive for a worker to lose a job than keep it, so they work harder to keep the job).

The temptation to print off leaflets of how to treat a PWD & hand them out is almost overwhelming lol
 

DollyBird16

Registered User
Sep 5, 2017
1,186
Greater London
Lol me too, felt rough all day. Fell asleep on the sofa last night woke around 3 then stayed up til 4ish, then up again at 6:30.
Just usual stuff going round.
X
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,762
South coast of England
Evening all,

Sam, I'm sorry that you are so near to breaking point :( I really don't know how you manage to keep your temper at all when you so utterly exhausted! (((hugs)))

In fact, I don't know how so many of you do this for years on end. Mum was only 15 months after diagnosis when she went into residential care - and 8 months there before she died. I know I couldn't have kept supporting her at home for much longer, not without a huge increase in care (to the extent that ASC wouldn't have provided it anyway).

It is all very well me telling you (ie anyone in your kind of situation) to look after yourself, not allow yourself to put your own wellbeing on the line etc What is the alternative in reality? :(

I had a call yesterday to say that my father's cousin died recently. She was the only member of his family that kept in touch after he left Mum. With her gone now, as well as Mum, it really feels like the end of an era.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,658
East Sussex
I don’t know how you are able to function in a work place on that sleeplessness @DollyBird16

Didn’t go to bed till about 04.00, awake by 06.00. Dozed will about 08.00. Fell into a deep sleep. Startled awake at 09.10

Zombie day. Support worker was all upbeat & chatty. I was bleary eyed & couldn't care less. Stepped out the door with pooch & it started to snow. Yay. At least I woke up a bit

Mum decided to take her meds upstairs last night, or early hours of this morning. Not best pleased. She took some. She was right stroppy at me telling her to take the rest & leave the meds downstairs. Too tired to be nice

Brother phoned & I offered to take him shopping. Any other day, it’s a 25 minutes round trip to his place. Not today. Road still closed after the double shooting last night. It took nearly 2 hours!!!

We walked in to find Mum, minus zimmer walking around. I lost the plot & stormed off. Brother told her off. He said Mum put her hands over her ears saying she didn’t want to hear it. Well, I’m fed up of saying it too. Brother tried again. Needless to say. When I walked in after dropping him home later (roads now open),she was leaning over the bay window, zimmer no where near her. I kicked the door & walked away

Please don’t say it’s the disease. I get that. But it’s the stress that is making me wasn’t to scream

Nothing good.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
11,839
London
We know, Sam. Sure it's the disease, but it doesn't make it less frustrating. We all get angry when they don't do what they should be doing. When John got off the toilet even though he was not done yet. I got clever with this over time but it was a long time and sometimes you forget to check and then you kick yourself. Like the tons of times I left the TV remote lying next to him while I left the room and when I returned he'd managed to do something to the TV that required me to get the manual out so I could rectify it! The number of times he started running and nearly tripping over because I hadn't grabbed his arm quickly enough. Him eating too fast then starting to cough so I had to grab the sandwich and give it to him bite by bite. I could go on!

Having to be on watch constantly is exhausting. Be kind to yourself.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,658
East Sussex
I had a call yesterday to say that my father's cousin died recently. She was the only member of his family that kept in touch after he left Mum. With her gone now, as well as Mum, it really feels like the end of an era.
Hi @Slugsta

I’m not keeping my temper very well today. I’m doing an awful lot of walking away. I’m also laying the law down on her saying she will cancel the carers. I didn’t get quiet as far as it’s carers or care home, but that’s where I’m at. Brother says he’d strangle her if he had to deal with her every day. Welcome to my world. It sure stinks.

We were talking today, brother & I. It’s just short if 4 years since Mum broke her hip & I started the 160 mike weekend trips, while eitking full time in a pretty pressured job. I moved in 2 years & 8 months ago. I’ve had 2 good holidays & a few short breaks, but although good, they involved a lot of driving, so not chill out times. It feels like I’ve done this forever & I’ll be doing it even longer.

You are right. The alternative is not good. It’s all so wrong. Mum is so cross & angry & as I’m here, I get the full force if that. I stop her going out. I stop her walking around. I won’t let her. At least brother tells her she’s wrong, but he’s only here a few hours.

Maybe the snow will go away & I can get her to visit the day centre next week. Something has to change. Something has to give & I dint want that something to be me.

I’m sorry about your fathers cousin. It made me think if my cousin turning to me at her mums funeral saying, “I’m an orphan at 40”. It’s so emotional, yet so drained of emotion, this blooming disease & it’s thirst for our loved ones.
 

Sam Luvit

Registered User
Oct 19, 2016
5,658
East Sussex
Having to be on watch constantly is exhausting.
Hi @Beate

What is it about the TV remote? When I’m in the room, Mum will only push numbers, so infuriating as I find it, she just channel hops. But if I’m out the room, she seems to get into settings, or source (so swops to HDMI2, or video): or somehow loses Sky altogether & I'm retuning the blooming thing. Usually with her saying “don’t bother. It’s not important”. Well it is important, coz otherwise nothing tapes & I can’t watch anything either. Aaarrrgggghhhhh

I’m so looking forward to trying to get her to the dentist on Monday. We can’t be late. She has to get sorted. It’s a fight I’m not going to win, but win I must

Yes, it is exhausting :(