Can I move mum out of the care home?

Dave53

Registered User
Oct 25, 2012
13
0
Norfolk
Hi Guys,
My mum is 87 and has vascular dementia (same symptoms as Alzheimer's but different cause)
Last year has been OK, I called in 3-4 times per week, did her cooking, shopping, cleaning etc. She coped well even going upstairs to bed every night
Then last month she had a small stroke (lacunar infarct) which knocked her off her feet and put her in hospital.
Hospital sorted out her heart with new medication, but said that her dementia was too advanced for her to live alone.
Social Services got involved and said they would not support a regime of care workers visiting her at her own home and wanted to put her in care home. They told me the care home they had in mind was not the best and had patients with 'challenging behaviour'. So I put her in a slightly better one as we could afford fees.
The thing is she has spent last few years begging me not to put her in a care home, she doesn't like the one she is in, and while her physical needs are being cared for, she is spending a lot of time sitting alone in her room staring at the wall, doesn't even want telly on.
Much as I would like to I cannot support her 24-7 as I also have grandchildren to child mind (The sandwich generation), but I could call in on her 7 days a week, and she has enough money to pay for nurses to visit her, but not to pay for 24hour care.
Have any of you moved parents out of care home back to their own home, have you any thoughts on the perils and pitfalls?
:)
Dave
 

1954

Registered User
Jan 3, 2013
3,835
0
Sidcup
Social Services got involved and said they would not support a regime of care workers visiting her at her own home and wanted to put her in care home. They told me the care home they had in mind was not the best and had patients with 'challenging behaviour'. So I put her in a slightly better one as we could afford fees.
The thing is she has spent last few years begging me not to put her in a care home, she doesn't like the one she is in, and while her physical needs are being cared for, she is spending a lot of time sitting alone in her room staring at the wall, doesn't even want telly on.
Much as I would like to I cannot support her 24-7 as I also have grandchildren to child mind (The sandwich generation), but I could call in on her 7 days a week, and she has enough money to pay for nurses to visit her, but not to pay for 24hour care.

Would you really want her to go home if she has been assessed as not being able/capable of looking after herself? Do they do activities at the CH?

Do you think she may just sit there if she was at her home?

I don't know the answers but I think I would be sceptical about removing from a CH back to home which she may not recognise anyway

I am sure others will come on board to help you and advise you much better than me

My MIL is still living with us so I know I am not the best person to advise you

But what ever decision you go with, I hope it all works out well
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,443
0
Kent
Hello Dave

I`m sorry you are so distressed about your mother`s seeming unhappiness in her care home.

There might be a case for moving your mother from a not so good care home to a better one but moving her back to her own home against medical advice would be a risk I would not be prepared to take.

I can only remind you dementia is a progressive illness so today is the best your mother will be. As well as that there is a possibility of another stroke which would affect her health even more.

I would be inclined to speak to the manager of the home to ask to see your mother`s care plan and discuss ways to help her integrate more.

When my husband went into residential care, I told the home I did not want him sitting alone in his room. I wanted him to use his room for sleeping and personal care only . At all other times I wanted him in the sitting room or , at meal times, in the dining room.
 

Noorza

Registered User
Jun 8, 2012
6,541
0
Dave, I know it's hard (well I don't it is something I will have to face in the future probably) but imagine it is very difficult. As my mum's dementia is progressing she has started to set fires (forgets food is cooking, forgets to take paper off microwave meals), she's not safe at home.

You know how you would feel if she fell and couldn't raise the alarm, if she set a fire, there are just so many dangers. She probably won't be happy again, mum rarely watches the television now, she finds the noises overwhelming, my mum isn't safe right now but yours is.

It's your decision but just when you think you've got this rotten disease sorted it throws up new surprises.
 

zelana

Registered User
Feb 11, 2013
127
0
N E Lincs
Hello Dave,

It's early days yet for your Mum in the care home.

It took several months for my Mum to settle. When she first went into the home she only really left her room for meals and would be tucked up in bed by 7pm - her choice. Even now she doesn't really socialise that much but that's the way she wants it. Sometimes she'll go and sit in the lounge near the budgies and if it's nice sometimes she'll sit out in the garden. She's not very good at operating the remote for her TV but by pressing random buttons she does manage to get something to watch if she wants to. The main thing for me is that Mum is safe, is eating properly & if she needs medical attention she gets it quicker than if she'd been at home on her own.

If you moved your Mum back home she might still sit in one room staring at the wall but she'd spend a lot of her time totally on her own. If it's like my Mum's CH she won't be left long without someone popping their head round the door on some excuse or other.
 

KentJude

Registered User
Jul 2, 2012
177
0
Maidstone
Hi Dave yes I brought my mum home after 18 months in a care home but she needed 24/7 care so I had to give up my job which is something you obviously can't do.

So yes people do it but it needs full understanding of the future implications of dementia, as Sylvia says. My mother has Alzheimer's so she had a more consistent decline - I believe Vas D progresses in plateaus, so your mother could remain at the same stage for a long time.

I'm sure you're not underestimating the impact on the family but it's hard tooverestimate it. I've managed it alone with some carers coming in but have pretty much put my whole life on hold.

I wish you well.

Jude
 

Dave53

Registered User
Oct 25, 2012
13
0
Norfolk
Hi Guys,
Thanks for your comments.
I have had a bout of cancer (which is another story) and fingers crossed I am in remission. Recently Norman Lamb the Health Minister was talking to our support group, and the subject of dying with dignity came up. He said the NHS was moving towards a new philosophy which saw death as an integral part of life, not a cause for hospitalisation, and that we should all be free, as far as possible, to choose to die at home if that is what we want. Now of course that is easy with cancer where it is relatively easy to predict when death is close, rather more difficult with dementia.
My worry is that in proving 24-7 care in a care home I am looking after mum's physical needs, squeezing out an extra year or two of life for her, but totally ignoring her quality of life.
She has spent 50 years in her own home, it was a self-build, the house my dad built for her, it is full of thousands of familiar objects and memories, is it such a sin to allow her to live there, so what if she falls and can't get back up, am I really doing her a favour keeping her alive, 'banged up' in an unfamiliar prison?
:)
Dave
 

Kate66

Registered User
Mar 13, 2013
13
0
Hi Dave,

That's such a tough one and I tend to agree with you. What is more important? Length of life or quality of life. However, would her quality really be better at home or are you projecting your own, logical feelings onto her less-than-logical current mind?

How long has she been in this home? I would generally say that social services like to keep people at home as its cheaper, so if they feel she really needs to be in care, perhaps they are looking at it from a totally non-emotional point of view?

I am struggling with the same thing. I am actually staying with my Mum, in the house she has been in for 45 years, and can't decide whether I could find a home sharer to live with her and avoid a care home, or not.