Can I manage care at home now

[MaddieJ]

My husband has been in Nursing and Dementia Care Home but has to be moved due to poor care (long story).
SS cannot find suitable Care Home with Nursing and Dementia care less than 30 miles away so I am looking at the possibility of bringing him back home. Social and Mental Health workers / managers are seeing it as feasible.
My husband was sectioned last October due to his aggression so has been away from me since then. First in hospital then in the Care Home. I did not see him again until March this year. I missed him so much.
He is generally settled I'm told by staff but they say he is agitated when receiving personal care. He has lost so much weight (5 stones) that caused me concern and he has had many unwitnessed falls and been in A&E and carries the scars but no bones broken. A GP is now investigating and treating him re weight loss. There has not been any stimulation or activities for him or others in his unit during lockdowns. He had Covid soon after his first jab and was isolated and deteriorated and is now not mobile.
He sits and sleeps in his comfy chair day and night and has developed a pressure sore. He reacts to me when I visit - 3 face to face visits so far. Touching him, singing to him and chatting, he gives me his smile but cannot now verbalise though he tries. He cannot feed himself so is fed and he is doubly incontinent as he is unable to toilet himself. He is sadly at the advanced stage of LBD.
We are both 70 and 72 and have been married 50 years. I am angry and sad and my head is whizzing. I don't know what the right thing to do is but I feel I will regret not giving him a chance at home with me with appropriate help. Am I mad?
Any advice from anyone who has taken this step of "Home Care to care at home" would be well received.
At the moment I am awaiting assessments from Occupational Therapist re his needs and home adjustments, Mental Health CPN re medication, Social Services re risk, and District Nurse re nursing needs. Also I have spoken to an Agency about providing 24/7 live in care and support.

 

[marionq]

Providing you have help with his physical needs then I think you can do it. Sadly as people decline in body they become easier to handle. Not going to be a walk in the park for you but I wish you well.

 

[Bod]

A straightforward NO, you cannot take this on.
To have him at home will need a full 24/7 team.
There, unless you live right out in the country, will be a Nursing Home suitable for him, probably at a cost, which SS will have to bear. a suitable Home must one that you can get to reasonably easily.

Bod.

 

[jenniferjean]

A straightforward NO, you cannot take this on.
To have him at home will need a full 24/7 team.

Not necessarily. It can be done with the correct procedures in place, but is dependent on individual circumstances. @MaddieJ says she is waiting for assessments. I'm sure everything will be taken into account in this and she would be advised by the professionals if it would not be feasible. I think the lady asked for advice from anyone who had taken it on.

 

[marionq]

I looked after my husband for seven years until he broke his hip and was dead five weeks later. John was a slim otherwise healthy chap so was reasonably easy to manoeuvre. He was never aggressive although determined and could be awkward. I coped somehow with carers three mornings a week for 45 mins and a number of day care sessions which were invaluable. That was the end of 2019 but after a year of lockdown I am not as fit and honestly don’t think I could do now what I did then.

We all need help to be carers. Some more than others. Some people are easier than others to care for. Looking back I’m not at all sure how I got through it but I did. I wish you all luck.

 

[fromnz123]

Providing you have help with his physical needs then I think you can do it. Sadly as people decline in body they become easier to handle. Not going to be a walk in the park for you but I wish you well.

@MaddieJ I agree with @marionq , i cared for my mother for 6 years , with the help of carers, until the passed away. But the main thing that made it possible was that we converted our attached garage for her living space, mum was very vocal during the day and night, had she been in one of the bedrooms it would have been impossible for us to tolerate.

 

[DennyD]

An very difficult situation you find yourself in. I'm not surprised your head is whizzing. I cannot offer advice, I've toyed with the idea of moving my husband back home, but cannot make the decision and most likely will not make that decision. My main obstacle is my confidence in being able go give him what he needs; to be honest I don't think I can and this is a heartbreaking admission. And I therefore admire you for reaching out to support services with a view to making it possible. You seem to be having good conversations with the relevant service providers and if you feel they can offer you support to meet yours and your husband's needs, then why should it not work?

I feel I will regret not giving him a chance at home with me with appropriate help

These are strong feelings that we harbour and sometimes maybe we should follow our feelings.

 

[MaddieJ]

An very difficult situation you find yourself in. I'm not surprised your head is whizzing. I cannot offer advice, I've toyed with the idea of moving my husband back home, but cannot make the decision and most likely will not make that decision. My main obstacle is my confidence in being able go give him what he needs; to be honest I don't think I can and this is a heartbreaking admission. And I therefore admire you for reaching out to support services with a view to making it possible. You seem to be having good conversations with the relevant service providers and if you feel they can offer you support to meet yours and your husband's needs, then why should it not work?

These are strong feelings that we harbour and sometimes maybe we should follow our feelings.

Thankyou everyone for your thoughts. I accept all your opinions as it is a problematic situation. I am in Cambridgeshire so there should be adequate services around. The OT visit to my husband is this week. I will update on this site how it transpires and whether it becomes feasible and actually happens. So sad .