I could not even find a title for this thread as I don't know what questions to ask. All I know for certain is that my poor mum is heading towards her final journey. No one can prepare you - they do not teach 'how to deal with parental suffering' in school. Neither are there lessons in 'guilt and how to cope' or 'have I done the right thing for my parent?'. Somehow, no matter how old the 'child' one always feels like the child. I have no siblings. The home have provided great care and is a privately owned demential care specialist home.
Mum's journey has undoubtedly been hurried due to a fall and subsequent fracture of the femur. She was operated on within 13 hours of the fall. The hospital stay was not great and her decline noticeable. She came out with a pain-patch and the home gave me great encouragement that they would facilitate her rehabilitation. I was at the hospital daily but I had my doubts, not because they would not try but because I know my mother and I knew her ability to understand the necessity to avoid becoming chair/bedbound was severely compromised. Quite clearly, her speech, motor skills, and comprehension had nose-dived. Mum now sometimes cannot find her mouth with a fork or even pick it up with a sense of purpose. She is being helped to eat as and when necessary. In hospital she was pouching but we hoped that would improve once she was off the medication. She often has a far aware staring look with her head down. Today I was told they are giving her soft food. Yesterday the doctor visited and recommended taking her off the pain patch. Partly to see if she was a little more cognitive and would eat and drink more readily. Also, I suspect to see if she is able to describe any pain she may have. I feel wretched, sad and thoroughly miserable at her plight. There is absolutely no quality of life and I feel she is almost resentful that she is in this desperate situation.
Everything I try has no impact, songs and music (she was a singer for charity), flowers, the breathing kitten in the bed - and she used to love her cats. A mood lamp, visitors and her favourite foods bring her absolutely no joy. Even stoking her hand does not receive a welcome response. I feel guilty for living my life and for being helpless to do anything for her. I have read lots of other people's journeys and wonder how, as a carer people cope? I really enjoy visiting the home and usually go twice a week. They have all sorts of great activities but nothing my mum can engage with now. It is not a nursing home, although when I first visited to see what it was like, I was advised that they have never asked a resident's family to remove a resident once they are at end of life. I know, since my mum has been there, that residents have passed away or gone into hospital. I do not want my mum to end her days in hospital but Im frightened to bring her home with me in case I can't cope - so therein partly lies the guilt I suppose. I've been candid with the owner of the home, and she with me in that mum's prognosis now is pretty poor. She believe's mum has had a series of tia's since the fall, which I agree and this has exacerbated her condition. I think my question is - can I do anymore and if so what?
Mum's journey has undoubtedly been hurried due to a fall and subsequent fracture of the femur. She was operated on within 13 hours of the fall. The hospital stay was not great and her decline noticeable. She came out with a pain-patch and the home gave me great encouragement that they would facilitate her rehabilitation. I was at the hospital daily but I had my doubts, not because they would not try but because I know my mother and I knew her ability to understand the necessity to avoid becoming chair/bedbound was severely compromised. Quite clearly, her speech, motor skills, and comprehension had nose-dived. Mum now sometimes cannot find her mouth with a fork or even pick it up with a sense of purpose. She is being helped to eat as and when necessary. In hospital she was pouching but we hoped that would improve once she was off the medication. She often has a far aware staring look with her head down. Today I was told they are giving her soft food. Yesterday the doctor visited and recommended taking her off the pain patch. Partly to see if she was a little more cognitive and would eat and drink more readily. Also, I suspect to see if she is able to describe any pain she may have. I feel wretched, sad and thoroughly miserable at her plight. There is absolutely no quality of life and I feel she is almost resentful that she is in this desperate situation.
Everything I try has no impact, songs and music (she was a singer for charity), flowers, the breathing kitten in the bed - and she used to love her cats. A mood lamp, visitors and her favourite foods bring her absolutely no joy. Even stoking her hand does not receive a welcome response. I feel guilty for living my life and for being helpless to do anything for her. I have read lots of other people's journeys and wonder how, as a carer people cope? I really enjoy visiting the home and usually go twice a week. They have all sorts of great activities but nothing my mum can engage with now. It is not a nursing home, although when I first visited to see what it was like, I was advised that they have never asked a resident's family to remove a resident once they are at end of life. I know, since my mum has been there, that residents have passed away or gone into hospital. I do not want my mum to end her days in hospital but Im frightened to bring her home with me in case I can't cope - so therein partly lies the guilt I suppose. I've been candid with the owner of the home, and she with me in that mum's prognosis now is pretty poor. She believe's mum has had a series of tia's since the fall, which I agree and this has exacerbated her condition. I think my question is - can I do anymore and if so what?
