My 92 year old mum has been has been living with Alzheimers for more than five years. She is very frail now and moved to a nursing home over two years ago after suffering a number of falls. She still has periods of self awareness about her surroundings and keeps asking if she can come back to live with us. What is the best way to handle this question sensitively? I'm finding it upsetting and don't know whether to pretend we have things in hand for her return.
Can I come home?
- Thread starter Worthabite
- Start date
Welcome! My husband is in a very good nursing home and I so often hear residents asking their families this. And the nurses, asking when they are going home. The nurses usually reply that they are in here to get well and boost them up a bit before they go home and this answer goes down well. They then explain this to the families who can say the same thing. With warmest wishes, Geraldine aka Kindred.
Thank you so much for replying. Part of the problem is that now that my mum's condition has worsened, she gets frustrated. She can't engage with any of the activities any more, or watch TV and because she now needs to be hoisted out of her bed or chair we can't take her out as we used to do. Staff are very good with her, but often very busy with other residents, and so my mum feels lonely.
Thank you Nitram. That might be worth a try. Have said in the past that we are waiting for the weather to improve! I don't think she does remember, but feel guilty about it!
Why feel guilty about something that I think you will agree is in her best interests?
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Good point! It's fruitless. But probably due to early parental conditioning: 'Don't tell fibs to your mum'!
I try to be truthful without being brutal so I tell my mother, at the moment she needs help (with medication, cooking and laundry) but as soon as she doesn’t need help we can take her home. This seems to satisfy her and she often relaxes and agrees she needs help at the moment and is better staying put.
It’s pointless saying ‘you live here now’ because it frightens her but somehow she can accept a ‘temporary’ measure - and I can imply it’s temporary and still be sincere because it’s true, if by some miracle her AD were cured and she was able to function outside the care home we would take her home.
It can be hard to overcome a lifetime of conditioning to be honest, especially to parents and elders.
I know we all feel guilt but it's not helpful. Here on Talking Point we often call it "the guilt monster" (GM for short) and remind each other to resist it. We even have a special (virtual) stick for bashing the guilt monster with, or if you prefer, a pointy stick with which to poke it.
Kidding aside, guilt doesn't get us anywhere. I have been reading about it and a few points stuck with me.
One is that what we carers call guilt may be other emotions, especially grief, but also anger, sadness, frustration, fear, anxiety, and so on. There can be a lot of ambiguous grief or anticipatory grief when dealing with some illnesses like dementia.
Another idea is to reframe your thoughts and statements, substituting "regret" for guilt. I regret my mother has dementia. I regret she had to move into a care home. I regret not spending more time with her. Or, I regret my parent has this rotten brain disease that means I have to lie to keep her comfortable. And so on; you get the idea.
Best wishes.
I know we all feel guilt but it's not helpful. Here on Talking Point we often call it "the guilt monster" (GM for short) and remind each other to resist it. We even have a special (virtual) stick for bashing the guilt monster with, or if you prefer, a pointy stick with which to poke it.
Kidding aside, guilt doesn't get us anywhere. I have been reading about it and a few points stuck with me.
One is that what we carers call guilt may be other emotions, especially grief, but also anger, sadness, frustration, fear, anxiety, and so on. There can be a lot of ambiguous grief or anticipatory grief when dealing with some illnesses like dementia.
Another idea is to reframe your thoughts and statements, substituting "regret" for guilt. I regret my mother has dementia. I regret she had to move into a care home. I regret not spending more time with her. Or, I regret my parent has this rotten brain disease that means I have to lie to keep her comfortable. And so on; you get the idea.
Best wishes.
Dad is currently in hospital and has been for over two weeks. He will be there for a good while longer and when he asks me how long he will be in there, I tell him 'a couple of days dad' and he is happy with that.
Thank you. That is a very useful way of looking at the problem and very helpful.
Some people say, 'When the doctor says it's all right - when s/he thinks you're a bit better/stronger,' etc. Thus implying that it's not your decision.
Personally I'd say whatever is likely to keep the person happy - or at least not overly fretting - for the moment.
With my mother, an inveterate 'mover' who'd so often talked of moving to 'a little flat', I was endlessly 'looking for a nice little flat for you, just down the road from me - and as soon as I find a really nice one we'll go and have a look together.'
Her short term memory was so poor by then that she never remembered that I'd said much the same before.
As her dementia worsened, however, she did eventually stop asking about going home. If she ever mentioned anything of the sort, it was wanting to visit her long-dead parents, but even that finally stopped.
Personally I'd say whatever is likely to keep the person happy - or at least not overly fretting - for the moment.
With my mother, an inveterate 'mover' who'd so often talked of moving to 'a little flat', I was endlessly 'looking for a nice little flat for you, just down the road from me - and as soon as I find a really nice one we'll go and have a look together.'
Her short term memory was so poor by then that she never remembered that I'd said much the same before.
As her dementia worsened, however, she did eventually stop asking about going home. If she ever mentioned anything of the sort, it was wanting to visit her long-dead parents, but even that finally stopped.
