Can I be forced to be a carer for my mum??

[Lucy Young]

I know, but there are two sides to every story. My OH threatened to kill himself on more than one occasion - seems that is not a crime, and no one took me seriously when I said I needed help to resolve the problem as it was too big for me to handle

All they do is make suggestions on how to make life easier for us but when I say that mum needs to live in appropriate accommodation, it falls on deaf ears. My 15 year old daughter is struggling too but all they do is give us yet more leaflets to read!

 

[Lucy Young]

Hi Lucy

I was temporarily looking after dad (with dementia) when mum went into hospital. Sadly, she passed away and that is when SS became a problem. They very clearly expected me to stay with dad indefinitely, even though I have a job, house, life, etc 180 miles away. Looking after someone with severe dementia and trying to work remotely, plus getting over mum's death, nearly finished me off. It was very obvious (including to SS) he couldn't look after himself and it was obvious to me that I could not do it indefinitely.

The advice from the GP was to tell SS a date when I was leaving the house (I would have never left him alone) and to remind them of their duty of care of a vulnerable adult. Very harsh, but according to the GP, those steps are often necessary when dealing with SS. After some discussion, they then started to act and found him a place quickly (which seemed to be a really good place but wasn't that good). I have to point out that SS weren't in any way interested in my well being and they even tried to persuade a cousin who lived locally to look after him!!!

I'm not sure whether you are allowed to do this and it is horrible to even suggest it, but have you thought about respite care and then refuse to take her back. If it is your mum's house, you may be on a sticky wicket but if it is your house, then the duty of care is with SS to find her a place. Like I said, horrible.

Regards

Dave

I have been a reluctant carer for 5 years now @Lucy Young. I have given up everything for this man and I have tried so hard to get out of the caring role - it is really really almost impossible especially with the Covid situation.

I managed to get my partner into sheltered living in a lovely place that me and his family thought he would enjoy - only for him to threaten to kill himself after 2 nights!

Love is the thing- I do not love this awful shell of the person I did love. It is easier for the authorities if you carry on, no matter how much it wears you and your family out, the social services will let you do it.

I wish you luck in your quest - please stay on here - you will get so much love and support from us all. Do keep us updated.

PS

A friend of mine waited till her Mum was in hospital then told social services that if they sent Mum back to her house to live with her, she would kill her! Drastic and awful - but it worked. Mum was sent elsewhere.

I just cannot get my head around the fact that a vulnerable person is left in the care of someone who simply cannot do it. I'm not legally responsible so find it hard to see why I'm being forced into it.

This is the problem - I just feel resentful and miserable all the time because mum relies on me so much. I also have a husband and two children who are my priority.

Thank you for your kind words - I'm also here if you need to offload x

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Lucy Young , do you have an idea about where you would like your mum to move to? Have you looked at sheltered accommodation near you and also care homes? Although a care home might seem more than your mum needs at the moment you may find that a move to sheltered accommodation, specially if the help provided is minimal won't be enough within a very short space of time. Does your mother have money of her own that will be used to pay for the care and do you have Lasting Power of Attorney. If you don't then it would be a good idea to get that set up so you can manage your mother's finances when she is no longer able. We set it up for our mother about eighteen months before she needed to move into care, and for the first year didn't really do anything other than just keep and eye on what she was taking out of her account. She continued using her cards etc as usual.
I moved mum into a care home without consulting her about it. Mum had agreed to sell her flat and move near my brother. If that had happened it would have been to an extra care flat though mum was insistent she was fine and didn't need any help that was far from the truth. We just didn't tell her it was extra care. By the time her flat had sold it was obvious that extra care wasn't enough and my brother was seriously ill. I, therefore, moved mum to a home near me, telling her it was a temporary move till a flat was ready. Mum was extremely unhappy about it all, but it was the best thing for her. If you feel your mum still has capability to make decisions it will be tricky, but maybe try and organise some respite in a home, selling it as a bit of a holiday. She might actually like it. I think if you keep on consulting your mum she'll say she wants to live with you. My mother, who always said she would never foist herself on me really wanted to move in. I knew if she had it wouldn't have taken long before the whole thing broke down, so I flatly refused. As it is, in the care home, I can be her daughter not her carer and things are much better though. The whole covid thing has made things more difficult this year, but hopefully things will improve over the next few months.
This site may be useful at finding places near you. Care Homes & Nursing Homes UK – Care Home Reviews & Nursing Home Reviews
Good luck with it all, finding a solution will be hard, but just keeping having your mother live you will probably be harder.

 

[Lucy Young]

Well, not what I was expecting but I had a chat with my mum about her moving into sheltered and she said that she was going to tell me that she wanted to move! I cannot tell you the relief! She's still aware, thankfully, that she needs and will need further support as time goes on and wants to be in a safe environment surrounded by people her own age. So it's all good. She's on the list for a lovely place just down the road from us .

 

[canary]

Fingers crossed she doesnt change her mind eh?
?

 

[Sarasa]

That’s good news @Lucy Young . I hope a place turns up very soon.

 

[nellbelles]

Brilliant new for you @Lucy Young I hope you don’t have to wait too long

 

[Lucy Young]

Brilliant new for you @Lucy Young I hope you don’t have to wait too long

Thanks lovely x

 

[Lucy Young]

That’s good news @Lucy Young . I hope a place turns up very soon.

Thank you, me too! x

 

[Lucy Young]

Fingers crossed she doesnt change her mind eh?
?

oh don't!! x

 

[Lucy Young]

Right, so thankfully mum is still adamant and very keen to move into sheltered (still waiting for a place!). However, she is getting worse and the situation at home is pretty intolerable at times and there is only so much I can bite my lip. I have left urgent messages for the social worker and they have been completely ignored. I've known of people who have packed a bag for their relative, driven them to a home, dropped them off and driven away. Cruel and extreme but I can see how people become so desperate for help and support. I have called the GP in tears but although she was very sweet, she can't help either. It's ridiculous seeing as Social Services are legally responsible for my mum, not me! Has anyone any advice as to what, if anything, we can do to hurry the process along?

 

[canary]

Has anyone any advice as to what, if anything, we can do to hurry the process along?

Would your mum be self-funding? If she would and had enough savings to pay for a few months before she needed LA funding (realistically about £35,000), then you can actually bypass SS. You can contact the care home of your choice, they will assess your mum to see if they can meet her needs and then she can move in.

The stories about families packing a bag for their relative, dropping them off at the care home and then driving away, although in practical terms is what has been happening during these covid times, in fact there is more to it than that!

What you might want to do - especially if SS needs to be involved because of the funding - is book her a couple of weeks respite (you might want to sell it as a "holiday") to try it out and see if its a good fit. If it works you can make it permanent. SS is more willing to agree that they need a care home if they can see the homes records of her needs.

 

[Sarasa]

I'm one of the pack a bag, drop off and drive (or in my case catch a bus) away. Yes it sounds awful and in many ways it was, but my mother needed to be in a safe environment as she was no longer capable of managing at home. It would have been lovely if mum, who at the time could appear very together, had agreed that a care home was what she needed, but she was refusing all attempts to have even a bit of help with the housework. I lived too far away to get there in an emergency and those were increasing so I felt a care home was the only option.
I think a couple of weeks respite will one give you a breathing space and two help you see if the sheltered accommodation would meet your mum's needs. My brother was keen on mum moving to sheltered accommodation and we looked at two places. One would have been lovely for mum about ten years previously, and the other which was an extra care place about four years previously. By the time we looked at them mum really needed to be somewhere with a team of carers available twenty-four/seven.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Lucy Young

Is it possible you could allow your mum to believe you are arranging sheltered accommodation for her but in reality you are arranging a placement in residential care.

I`m aware how deceitful this is but your mum will certainly need residential care eventually and it could avoid the upset and confusion a second move may cause.

 

[Lucy Young]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate your replies. Mum can't afford a private care home (I've looked and they seem to be about £2,000 a month!). She's getting worse but trying to get help and support from SS is like getting blood from a stone. I've left mum's SW a couple of messages as I want to know if mum can go into respite until a permanent place is found for her but she's ignored me. All I need is a "yes" or "no"!
It doesn't help that mum comes across perfectly capable in front of the SW who takes mum's word for it. I guess that's easier for the SW!