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Can finally visit Mum again

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
The restriction on visiting the nursing home was lifted this week. My sister is visiting from Quebec and we went to visit yesterday. It was the first time I had seen her in at least 4 weeks. My sister hadn't seen Mum for a year,

When we entered, Mum was dozing in her wheelchair, both hands curled up like claws, her mouth open. She looked the worst I have ever seen her, in that she looked the furthest along in her AD. I was upset but my poor sister was very shocked.

From about 2007 to last June, Mum's decline had been very slow and subtle. My sister could see only very slight changes on her yearly visits. In June we had to thicken Mum's fluids. A few months we had to thicken them again. We've just had to switch her diet to pureed food. I kept my sister advised of all this but, as she said, seeing changes is vastly different from hearing about them.

We have definitely entered into a new stage. It will be very hard for us to come to grips with this, but we will not have a choice.

I am grateful I can visit again and hope we don't have another shutdown. But I'm starting to feel we are embarking on the final leg of the journey and that is more than unsettling. Because Mum seemed to float along on a plateau for years, I think I pushed the mortality of this disease to the back of my mind, I guess I thought we would go on forever.


Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
Sorry that your Mum's progress with this disease is going a little quicker than you would like or ready are ready for. We do seem to be lulled into a false expectation that things will carry on nicely. It has to be heartbreaking for both you and your sister.

You know we are thinking of you, take care,

Jay xxxx


Registered User
May 18, 2014
Your last sentence rings so true. My mum is still living with me, but there are definitely changes afoot that even I'm noticing and then realisation that this illness does not stop. Pleased to read you can visit again.


Registered User
May 23, 2014
Feeling for you - I too remember so well those times of "plateau" with my husband also feeling that nothing would ever change - but the changes were insidious and gradually I had to realise that each downturn was the next "plateau" which could last a short or a long time. Sadly we reached the final stage - inevitability and the end of a long, stressful, heart breaking journey for us both. Take care of yourself - be strong and know you are being thought of at this very sad time. WIFE


Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
I'm sorry to read of your mum's progress Joanne. I can so identify with thinking that we can go along like this forever. Thinking of you and your sister, and of course your mum.


Registered User
Feb 11, 2015
Good that you are able to visit again but I'm so sorry to hear of your Mum's decline, these things are so hard to bear, thinking of you and your Mum.


Registered User
Dec 1, 2006
I'm sorry to hear about your mum's decline, Joanne, and can identify with the feeling that my mother's condition would rest unchanged for ever. She too had a very gradual decline for quite a while.
It's good at least that you and your sister were able to share a visit together and to be with one another at this stage of your mum's life.

I hope your next visit is less shocking for you both. Sending you love and kind regards.


Registered User
Jun 27, 2006
I'm really pleased to can get to see your mother again Joanne, but so very sorry about her decline.


Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
Brixham Devon
Oh! Joanne. When we visit on a regular basis (as you have until your enforced absence) the changes sort of creep up on us. It must have been such a shock for you and your Sister to see your Mum as she was.

I'm so sorry


Lyn T XX


Registered User
Nov 28, 2005
So sorry you now see this change in your dear Mum. It must hit you harder as you have not been able to visit but glad the visiting restrictions are lifted at last.

Glad you have your sister with you to share the emotions.

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
Toronto, Canada
Our visit started out very emotionally difficult but Mum did revive a bit, started making eye contact and laughing a bit so it did improve. We went at lunch and I was feeding Mum. I asked my sister if she wanted to feed Mum for a bit, which she did. She normally finds it too hard to do but she really wants to be able to do something for Mum. I am going to turn over all the clothes buying to her now. She bought nighties, trousers, tops etc and put the package in the post before Christmas and told me she felt like she was finally able to do something for Mum.

In many ways, Mum's AD has been harder on Carole. I have had the day-to-day struggles but my sister and mother always had a tumultuous relationship so I suspect there is more room for regrets with her. I was always close with Mum, in fact I used to think no other mother and daughter could possibly be as close as we were. Carole and Mum were often at loggerheads (because they are so much alike) and that created a lot of tensions.

I went through a long horrible period during the beginning of Mum's illness, as she was no longer my mother in an emotional sense. Carole, on the other hand, says she had the relationship she had always wanted once Mum was into the disease.

So we will plod on, making the best of the situation and enduring.