Can Dad live in own flat

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Lulubelle74, Jan 9, 2019.

  1. Lulubelle74

    Lulubelle74 Registered User

    Apr 16, 2018

    I haven't posted here for a while but now the situation has changed. Briefly my Mum died early last year and Dad rapidly went down hill, although he had appeared confused for a while but I ignored it while she was in hospital. We moved him from B'ham to Gloucester, where we live, to be in a supported-living flat. He liked the flat and we visited every day to support him. Unfortunately on 7 October he night wandered (4.00 a.m.) into the back garden and fell over a wall while 'escaping the Germans'. This resulted in a broken hip. He was discharged to a care home but then re-admitted to hospital on 7 December due to his hip being infected.

    We are now approaching the point at which he will be discharged. He is now a self funder. He wants to go back to the flat and they are tentatively OK to have him back but there is a health and safely issue with the night wandering. He now walks with a frame so I'm hoping that this will stop him walking around or getting to the local taxi rank. The owner of the flats has said that it will probably be a condition of his return that we have Telecare install an alarm under his door mat that says he shouldn't leave the flat and will also put a call through to my mobile so I can get down there to see what he's doing. He is usually up at 4.00 a.m.and staff don't arrive until 8.00 a.m. I know from previous posts here that night wandering usually signals a move to a home but my Dad doesn't want to go into one (a typical comment I'm sure). We think his reduced mobility might mean that this will work (we live 15min drive from the flats). Any comments on this type of experience would be welcome.

    Many thanks in advance.
  2. Duggies-girl

    Duggies-girl Registered User

    Sep 6, 2017
    Hi @Lulubelle74 I have managed to keep my dad in his own home but he is very compliant and not really any trouble. I have always said that if he started to wander, especially at night then he would probably have to go into a care home. It's the safety issue I worry about. I would be devastated if he had gone out in the dark and fallen.

    The alarm may be an answer, I don't know really, you can but try and if he walks with a frame that may stop him but we all know how determined our dads can be especially when it comes to the 'Germans'' (I am not sure that we can say that to be honest)

    Sorry I am not much help at this worrying time but you will get more replies soon I am sure of that.
  3. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    He will never want to go. Or agree to go.
    It is up to you to decide what is in his best interests. This should be guided by his needs, rather than his wishes.
    Now is the best time to be looking at suitable care Homes, whilst there is time for choice.
    Wait for another crisis, then there may be no choice as to what or where.

  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    I am not sure how effective the alarm will be. If he ignores it how quickly could you get there and how far could he get in this time?

    No-one wants to move to a care home, but there comes a time when needs and safety overrule their wants
  5. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    Why do you want to put yourself through that? He's not going to understand the alarm. It really sounds to me that for his own safety he needs to be in a care home with 24/7 supervision. I am sorry, but his own wishes are not in his best interest and therefore need to be ignored when it comes to his living situation.
  6. Louise7

    Louise7 Registered User

    Mar 25, 2016
    To be honest I think his reduced mobility makes the wandering at 4am more of a safety risk, not less, and increases his risk of falls. Has the hospital physio / OT given the OK for him to be discharged back home rather than to the care home? I think it is worth asking them for their opinion prior to discharge as that way you will have professional advice with regards to the safety risks and options for keeping your Dad safe.
  7. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    I agree with other posters, you may want to consider full time care options. My MIL had reduced mobility but couldn't understand that she was supposed to use a frame , couldn't understand why she couldn't go outside etc. I'm sorry, but sometimes mats and alarms aren't enough. My MIL needed 24/7 supervision
  8. Lulubelle74

    Lulubelle74 Registered User

    Apr 16, 2018

    Thanks for this and the other replies. We are awaiting the final discharge advice so it isn't quite finalised yet. My Dad is fairly lucid and understands that any further incidents will result in him losing the flat and moving to a care home as that's the only 24-hr care option. We only live down the road from his flat so we can get there quickly. He is now frightened of falling again but we will make the final decision when he is assssed as fit for discharge. We are very concerned that he may now not be, sadly, fit enough to live in his flat.
  9. TheBearsMummy

    TheBearsMummy Registered User

    Sep 29, 2017
    East Midlands
    I think I would be casually referring to him going to a nice convalescent home just for a couple of weeks until he is back on his feet and see how he reacts. Doctors orders of course :)
    You might be surprised and he will agree to it as it's not for long, as soon as he's fit and well he can go back to the flat...
  10. Jessbow

    Jessbow Registered User

    I agree, get him in somewhere for 'respire/rehab/convalence ( call it what you will) and see how he manages there. You'll soon know if he does night wander and there will be someone there.

    I am sure that when he is lucid he understands, but if the Germans reappear, as they well might, then what?
  11. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    SW London
    Will he even remember that he needs to use the frame?
    My mother never did, after she broke a hip. Even though it was usually right there beside her chair, she'd forget. But she was in a care home by then, so at least any falls (there were quite a few) were attended to quickly.

    I agree with others that there comes a point where needs have to trump wishes. Almost anyone - with or without dementia - will say, if consulted, that they don't want to go into a care home.
    My mother would certainly have said no, if asked, even though the need was urgent, in that she needed 24/7 care and supervision.
    So I have to say we just didn't ask her.
  12. Sirena

    Sirena Registered User

    Feb 27, 2018
    My experience is very similar to @Witzend
    My mother had a fall and broke her hip, and refused to use a walking aid afterwards. She would just get up out of her chair and launch off - fortunately she was in a care home by this point so a carer would rush to her side and assist her. I moved her to the care home because she needed constant supervision, she had become very anxious at home when the carers were not there and started wandering. It's unlikely she would have volunteered, so I moved her without asking. She's been in there nearly a year and loves it.
  13. myss

    myss Registered User

    Jan 14, 2018
    Hi @Lulubelle74 I'm sorry to hear about your mum's passing.

    I have to agree with Duggies-girl's post about determination. My dad's wanderer. He used to live on his own and we used to get the calls from the police or neighbours in the middle of the night or very early morning when he's been noticed outside, something in little clothing.
    He was always upset with himself when we came to collect him, upset at the illness 'pushing him to go out'. I found that it is such a strong determination to go that obstacles that we put in his way and signs we put up did nothing to stop him.

    Thankfully a family member has moved in with him so he's still able to live in his home..I can see why people say the care home is the best option for him. I'm also not sure if alarms and the walking frame may deter him. You could test it out by staying over/nearby to see if he goes out and takes the frame and/or if an alarm would stop him. With my dad I doubt it would have.

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