can anyone help


Registered User
Dec 4, 2005
isle of man
:( Hi all

I am new to the forum - never did anything like this before. I've spent the evening going over the very useful feedback, support and information on the site.

My mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia over four years ago - but like a lot of others the condition went undetected for several years. For three years she lived largely with two of my sisters - spending holidays with me. Mum was not happy living alone. No matter where she was she always wanted to 'go home' - she never really settled anywhere. She became more and more confused over the last four years and as a family we agreed that the moving around was not doing her any good. We employed someone to live in with her Monday to Friday with one of the family spending the weekends. Living away from home I could not do weekends - so instead spent hols. This summer when I saw her she had deffinitely deteriorated her mobility was not what it had been and she no longer pretended to read the news papers. She was continously looking to go home and seriously concerned that her mother and father did not know where she was. My mothers is 85 and her parents are dead for more than 40 years!! During my stay she became incontinent during the night - as a result of an inability to make it to the loo, but worse still she became ill and was admitted to hospital with Gall Bladder inflamation. In hospital the stopped all her drugs and she was on Exelon 6mg, serenase and a pile of other pills - they diagnosed Gall Stones ( I saw them on the scan myself) and she was treated with antibiotics. She was also dehydrated and had fluids interveineously. After a month she moved to residential care (we told ma it was recuperation) only until she got her mobility back. In the nursing home she started screaming and shouting which gradually built to 24/7. The home called in the phyciatrist who felt she was in not fit condition to be assessed - believing that she was in pain. She was shipped back to hospital. When I visited I could not believe the deterioration. My lovely mother ranting and raving and displaying violent tendancies - kicking biting and worst of all screaming. She was eventually transferred to a physciatric hospital - where they felt they may be able to fully assess her condition. After our initial horror at the thought of what lay ahead as a family we have been so impressed by the dedication and love the staff display. Dispite their best efforts Ma's still screaming and worse now Calcium levels in her blood are raised - causing concerns and she has pulmonery edema. They are sending her back to hospital tomorrow again - Sorry to go on so - not even sure if it make sense - I just feel so helpless - what an awful disease that is like a living death
Oonagh :(


Registered User
Mar 13, 2004
Hi Oonagh

So glad you have found this site. Now you will be able to share your feelings with people in the same boat.

I too watched my mum scream, rant and shout for a few months. Because of a heart and lung condition she couldn't be given any sedatives. I know exactly what you are going through. It simply breaks your heart to watch it. And the cruelty and hoplessness of the situation begins to get to you. You feel exhausted and sad to your very soul.

The shouting for their parents is very common. My mother did it every day from developing Alzheimer's til the day she died. That, and wanting to go home all the time when she was already sitting in her own house of 39 years!

Thank goodness the staff are dedicated as you say. This is the most important thing, that your mum has caring people around her, including yourself. You have been through so much and are probably feeling brokenhearted.

As Norman on the site here always says, "Day by Day" it's the only way to handle this disease. At least now you have people to share with on this site. You'll find support here.
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Registered User
Dec 1, 2005
Hi Oonagh,
I can't offer any help - but am sympathetic to your sitn. I am new to site too - never done owt like this before either! I feel reading your message - and others on the site that we are all at different stages in this AD dance, and bits of other people's sitn are familiar ( asking for parents when they have been long dead)
(dehydration and incontinence - my mom is just there now)
also the age AD strikes (elderly onset - for some, my mom is in 80's too)
I guess Norman is right - one day at a time. But it is easy to get caught up in sitn and run ahead worrying. Look after yourself.


Registered User
Nov 28, 2005

Hi Oonagh,
Your message sounds like you are in so much pain too. It is a terrible thing to witness someone you love disappearing into oblivion. My dad is lost somewhere and it breaks my heart to see him, the occasional flicker of the person he once was, although sadly he is not yet as desperate as some and I dread the future. I have this terrible sense of loss that defies words. Unless you have experiences yourself it is hard to fathom the feelings we have. I am glad your mother is getting the care she needs. I hope you can find calm too.


Registered User
Dec 4, 2005
isle of man
Hi all

Thanks for your replies and the imense feeling of support - its really good to know your not alone and that these awful things are not just happening to my mum - I know that sounds awfull but there really is comfort in numbers.

I am sad - I keep myself so busy so I dont have time to think - but thats no good either.

I am so glad I found this site and took the step over the edge of another precipise.