1. Expert Q&A: Living well as a carer - Thurs 29 August, 3-4pm

    As a carer for a person living with dementia, the needs of the person you care for will often come before your own. You may experience a range of difficult emotions and you may not have the time to do all the things you need to do. Caring can have a big impact on both your mental and physical health, as well as your overall wellbeing.

    Angelo, our Knowledge Officer (Wellbeing) is our expert on this topic. He will be here to answer your questions on Thursday 29 August between 3-4pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Jean1234

    Jean1234 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    it’s Just gone a year since my OH moved into a CH. it’s a good home and he’s well looked after. But for some reason I’m back to square one and keep crying like I did when he first went in. I go to see him at least three times a week but I must admit by the time I get home, if not before, I’m in floods. Just seeing him now as he’s so much worse brings tears to my eyes and I struggle to remain cheerful and up beat while with him. After the first six months I did get better at coping but for some reason I’m as I said back to square one. Feeling very lonely and depressed. I know I shouldn’t complain as I no longer have to deal with his personal care and everything that goes with the Alzheimer’s but some times I wonder what’s the point anymore even though I know I have much to be thankful for and some wonderful memories of our previous life together. Sorry just needed to say something to someone.
  2. Pete1

    Pete1 New member

    Jul 16, 2019
    Its so tough Jean, sadly I think most of us have shared those feelings. When you are in the eye of the storm things can feel much worse - it sounds as though you are trying to focus on your memories which is the best way of dealing with it. I'm sure your OH wouldn't want you to feel upset, hang on in there.
  3. RosettaT

    RosettaT Registered User

    Sep 9, 2018
    Mid Lincs
    I feel for you Jean1234. I've had a melt down today. OH is suffering a chest infection and tendinitis in his elbow. He is on ABs and has slept all but about 3 hours per day since friday. It's heartbreaking. I too have a lot to be thankful for, he is sweet, kind & loving & we had 25 wonderful years. In fact his OT has suggested a second opinion as he isn't typical Alz and doesn't present any of the usual problems she sees in Alz. I hate him sleeping so much I miss him so. Heaven knows what what I would be like if he was in a C H.

    Take care
  4. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
  5. Grahamstown

    Grahamstown Registered User

    Jan 12, 2018
    East of England
    I feel very much the same today even though he is still at home, especially when I was having to feed him in bed to get something into him. It’s a no-win situation and this overwhelming feeling of tearfulness at times is painful but at the same time a natural human reaction. I sometimes feel so hardened by it all that it puts me in touch with how sad it is. However I think that we have to beware that we don’t get ill with grieving. Your experience shows that care home is not a relief from this and dealing with it is not easy.
  6. lis66

    lis66 Registered User

    Aug 7, 2015
    Sending hugs to you Jean1234 xxxx
  7. LynneMcV

    LynneMcV Volunteer Moderator

    May 9, 2012
    south-east London
    I am sorry you are going through such a miserable and tough time @Jean1234 . I have no answers but just wanted to say I care and am thinking of you x
  8. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    I totally get what you feel, it’s horrid. I often wake up to tears & a wet pillow; no escape sometimes from thoughts.
    Anticipatory grief or just grieving for what’s been lost with this disease.
    It’s bad enough with it being Dad in a care home, how sad that it’s your OH.
    Sending hugs
  9. Latitude

    Latitude Registered User

    Jul 12, 2019
    Oh Jean, your post spoke volumes to me. It's so very very hard and this is such a horrible illness. No sooner do you adjust to one aspect of it then another hits you smack in the face. Ive found the unexpected obstacles from family and professionals really tough to understand let alone work through, let alone adjusting to a totally different life.Thinking of you and I hope you have some better days soon.
  10. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    What lovely people are found on this forum
    Makes you realise you don’t walk this path alone
  11. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I'm sorry you're feeling so bad @Jean1234. Like others I think you are experiencing a grieving process. Please do contact your GP. There might be an option for counselling sessions.
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Feeling lonely and depressed is natural but you can still be helped to live with it @Jean1234 if you feel it is unbearable.

    I used to disagree with people who said crying is good for you until I had something to really cry about when my husband was ill. I now know it`sone of the best ways to release pent up emotions instead of bottling them in until you feel you are ready to burst.

    I`m glad you can share your feelings here. There`s no need to compare with others. Your pain is your pain and those of us who have been through it understand and are with you.
  13. Jean1234

    Jean1234 Registered User

    Mar 19, 2015
    Thank you all so much for your kind words and understanding. It helps so much to have people to talk to who understand.
  14. Rosserk

    Rosserk Registered User

    Jul 9, 2019

    My dads in a care home and I was exactly the same before and after each visit. I eventually had to stop visiting because it made absolutely no difference to him and just devastated me. I felt really bad about stopping visiting but it was making me really ill. I phone the care home regularly to check if he needs new clothes or toiletries and if so I drop them off but I don’t go in. My dad died three years ago when he went into the care home and I can’t torture myself any more visiting someone I no longer recognise, I don’t want those memories and seeing him like he is now was fading all my fond memories and replacing them with sadness.

    Sending you big hugs from someone who knows how you’re feeling. X

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