I’m going to begin by stating that I don’t intend to upset anyone with my post, I know how scary and upsetting Dementia can be.
As a child, we were inseparable with our grandparents. My grandfather died when I was only little but my Nana lived on another 15 years with the help of her family.
My Nana was diagnosed with vascular dementia and living with that for 4/5 years, her life changed drastically. She needed to be moved from the bungalow she loved to a care home where she wasn’t at any harm. She hated this change the most and would be upsetting when she would tell you the same thing each time you visited her, that all she wanted was to go home.
From the everyday care of 3/9 of her children, although it was hard it was 100% worth it as you got to know what her new interests were, who her new friends were, her stories of the good old days and just being able to spend that precious time with her.
The downside to this, obviously being the Dementia. Some days you would visit and she would be the happiest woman in the world, she would ask you about your day and she would sing with you. Other days she would be angry and lash out at you, although you were told by professionals ‘it’s not her, it’s the dementia’, it was still very hard hitting.
Some days, even though you had visited her everyday- she wouldn’t know who you are, or she’d ask you how is your husband , knowing she thought you were someone else.
The first time I realised she didn’t have a clue who I was, was when we were talking and my mam had to remind her who I was & she would say oh yes, yes but the look in her eyes were still trying to figure this person out.
Some days she would ask of the children that did not visit her in the care home, what could we say? We kept telling her they were at work, or they were coming soon.
You realise, you tell little white lies to your loved one, and it’s for the best, for them. At first I didn’t agree with lying to them as it felt incredibly wrong. But she has already such a difficult battle, I realised I didn’t want such a kind and loving woman to know about her family not being bothered to visit.
Most days, she would sleep the entire time you were there, so we would talk amongst ourselves about her, hoping she would be listening. Giving her hair a brush ( she wouldn’t be happy if he hair wasn’t in place
) or painting her nails.
My Nana’s time was up in February 2020 after a hard battle with the disease. For me, It didn’t hit me. I didn’t cry, she was such a special person in my life & I’m almost angry at myself that I didn’t cry for her.
After caring for her, and much of the family not even visiting her in the care home the years she was there, there was a lot of anger and bitterness felt against those individuals.
The family who were involved, planned the funeral, talked to the undertakers and cleared out her room for the next occupier and any other things needed to be sorted.
Even through this process, I was not sad, I reflected on what was happening but I still did not feel sad or mourn in any way.
The day of her funeral was the first time I truly felt lost without her, and cried and cried and cried. Seeing the other family members who never showed not shedding a tear for her & not paying the respect this brilliant woman deserved.
Since her funeral, I haven’t felt much since. I am quite an emotional person and that’s why I’m confused. I still think of her as being there, in her room watching the TV or sleeping. It does not feel like she’s left us. To me, she is still very much alive and I assume the way I think about her is the reason I can’t grieve her loss.
It feels as if nothing has changed, and I’m just waiting to go back to see her this week.
I’m not sure if circumstances at the minute have taken my mind off this.
I hear that people struggle with grieving for a loved one with Dementia as they experience their death twice.
If anyone is feeling similar feelings, or to normalise what I’m feeling... I’d appreciate some more experience or information.
Thank you all.
Take care of yourselves
Pipp
?
As a child, we were inseparable with our grandparents. My grandfather died when I was only little but my Nana lived on another 15 years with the help of her family.
My Nana was diagnosed with vascular dementia and living with that for 4/5 years, her life changed drastically. She needed to be moved from the bungalow she loved to a care home where she wasn’t at any harm. She hated this change the most and would be upsetting when she would tell you the same thing each time you visited her, that all she wanted was to go home.
From the everyday care of 3/9 of her children, although it was hard it was 100% worth it as you got to know what her new interests were, who her new friends were, her stories of the good old days and just being able to spend that precious time with her.
The downside to this, obviously being the Dementia. Some days you would visit and she would be the happiest woman in the world, she would ask you about your day and she would sing with you. Other days she would be angry and lash out at you, although you were told by professionals ‘it’s not her, it’s the dementia’, it was still very hard hitting.
Some days, even though you had visited her everyday- she wouldn’t know who you are, or she’d ask you how is your husband , knowing she thought you were someone else.
The first time I realised she didn’t have a clue who I was, was when we were talking and my mam had to remind her who I was & she would say oh yes, yes but the look in her eyes were still trying to figure this person out.
Some days she would ask of the children that did not visit her in the care home, what could we say? We kept telling her they were at work, or they were coming soon.
You realise, you tell little white lies to your loved one, and it’s for the best, for them. At first I didn’t agree with lying to them as it felt incredibly wrong. But she has already such a difficult battle, I realised I didn’t want such a kind and loving woman to know about her family not being bothered to visit.
Most days, she would sleep the entire time you were there, so we would talk amongst ourselves about her, hoping she would be listening. Giving her hair a brush ( she wouldn’t be happy if he hair wasn’t in place
) or painting her nails.My Nana’s time was up in February 2020 after a hard battle with the disease. For me, It didn’t hit me. I didn’t cry, she was such a special person in my life & I’m almost angry at myself that I didn’t cry for her.
After caring for her, and much of the family not even visiting her in the care home the years she was there, there was a lot of anger and bitterness felt against those individuals.
The family who were involved, planned the funeral, talked to the undertakers and cleared out her room for the next occupier and any other things needed to be sorted.
Even through this process, I was not sad, I reflected on what was happening but I still did not feel sad or mourn in any way.
The day of her funeral was the first time I truly felt lost without her, and cried and cried and cried. Seeing the other family members who never showed not shedding a tear for her & not paying the respect this brilliant woman deserved.
Since her funeral, I haven’t felt much since. I am quite an emotional person and that’s why I’m confused. I still think of her as being there, in her room watching the TV or sleeping. It does not feel like she’s left us. To me, she is still very much alive and I assume the way I think about her is the reason I can’t grieve her loss.
It feels as if nothing has changed, and I’m just waiting to go back to see her this week.
I’m not sure if circumstances at the minute have taken my mind off this.
I hear that people struggle with grieving for a loved one with Dementia as they experience their death twice.
If anyone is feeling similar feelings, or to normalise what I’m feeling... I’d appreciate some more experience or information.
Thank you all.
Take care of yourselves
Pipp
?
