1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,990
    Toronto, Canada
    I spent some time recently looking back at old posts. I found it quite engrossing watching the journey I've been having. As older TP members know, my mother has had a very interesting disease progress. I've had many difficult times, times when I wanted everything to be over, times when I didn't care.

    Now my mother has moved into the last stage. She still responds (usually) by looking in my direction when I speak. She rarely speaks and if she does, it's just a word or two. She is no longer violent and aggressive. She's confined to a wheelchair, doubly incontinent and cannot feed herself. I visit Saturdays & Sundays and whenever our work schedules permit it. I feed her and tidy her room. She is only 71 and other than AD and atrial fibrillation (just developed in the last 6 months) is quite healthy. Her appetite is fantastic. We've reached an equilbrium.

    I guess I'm feeling a little melancholic because I think I would rather have the out of control, violent, aggressive swearing mother back. I think of the lines from Dylan Thomas's poem:

    "Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light"

    That's what my mother did for such a long time. Now she's moved into another phase and I recognize it and don't like it. But what is, is. Whether I like it or not, or accept it or not, won't make a bit of difference.

    So I try to make the most of the limited time we have left. We had a incredibly close mother-daughter relationship. Before her illness, I would have sworn no one in the world had a closer relationship. I hero-worshiped her. She was my rock, my emotion centre, the most important person in my universe. I would give so much to hear her say once more in her slightly tart and acerbic manner 'Now, Joanne....".

    Thank you for letting me ramble.
     
  2. citybythesea

    citybythesea Registered User

    Mar 23, 2008
    632
    coast of texas
    I feel with you and am at a loss of words...short of mom not being violent ever you have written exactly how I too feel...


    ...A BIG HUG FOR YOU...

    nANCY
     
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,722
    Kent
    Hello Joanne

    Your relationship with your mother was/is to be envied and I understand how much you may miss it.

    But would you really want her go be back into the stage of `rage`?

    Which stage gives/gave your mother more contentment and less pain? The raging days or her present days ?

    I know you are reflecting on both your lives, but now, you both have different needs.

    Calm waters are good Joanne. I wait for them. And who know that I may not reflect one day and wish for the rage to return?

    Love xx
     
  4. gigi

    gigi Registered User

    Nov 16, 2007
    7,788
    East Midlands
    There have been many things, since Eric's diagnosis, that I have found myself totally unprepared for..

    The biggest one at the moment is the way it plays with our emotions....and our sense of "self".

    Nothing is ever as it seems.

    I understand what you're saying, Joanne..at least while your mother was raging there was a spark of life..and maybe you didn't have time to reflect.

    Only when the calm waters come can you do that....

    love gigi xx
     
  5. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,990
    Toronto, Canada
    Thank you for responding.

    Nancy, your mother and mine sound like they are at the same stage. It is hard.

    Sylvia, no, rationally I would not want my mother raging again. She seems content and that's all I can ask for. Yes, this is more about me missing my mother and wanting her back. I know there isn't a lot of time left - I estimate 1 to 2 years - and I'm afraid.

    Gigi, you're right, now I have the time to reflect. But trust me, my mother had more than a spark of life when she was raging!! Ask the 30 something police officer she kicked in the groin. That was not quite 2 years ago when she was at the height of her aggression and violence, all of it fed by her fear and frustration.

    It is always so amazing to me how this disease is so individual. I see my friend's mother who has remained so quiet and calm. But she was always a very calm person and my mother always had an edge to her. Another friend's mother cries constantly.

    Thanks again. Only people involved with dementia truly understand.
     
  6. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Joanne, you always write such good sense, and when you review your path through all this, your words are especially full of meaning.

    I know exactly what you mean when you ask yourself whether or not you would like to return to earlier, more challenging times.

    Of course you - and I - would for all sorts of reasons.

    Yet we wouldn't really, for many others.

    That doesn't make the wish, and the reflection, something we shouldn't do. It is how we weigh things in our minds and try to figure the best things we can do.

    The thing I treasure in your posts is a total lack of bitterness, on your behalf, or on your mother's behalf. Just "this is what has happened, now let's do our best with it".

    If this is rambling, please ramble away. :)
     
  7. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,990
    Toronto, Canada
    Bruce, if you had met me 6 or 7 years ago, you would might have had a different opinion. I was angry at first, incredibly angry. At who or what, who knows? I have learned to accept it as I haven't any choice. It is what it is and I wanted to make peace with myself and make the most of my life. I know I will always have regrets but I strive very hard to have as few regrets as possible. By this I mean regrets about my emotions and actions, as they are what I can control. I can't control anything else but I can control myself.

    My father's favourite saying "Life is good". And it is, it's so much better than we realize sometimes. With all the hardships and heartbreak, we can get so much out of it.
     
  8. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    12,413
    near London
    Don't get me wrong here.. :)

    Yes, of course we all have those feelings of bitterness and loss, and our stage in the process of dealing with a loved one with dementia will determine how much those feelings surface, for others to notice.

    However, while those feelings are indeed a reality, your posts during your time on TP have never been full of bitterness. You have always looked for the positive, and given the positive.

    That is such a good lesson for everyone [me included].

    By dint of their circumstances, not everyone is able to do that at a given time, but it is a great thing to aspire to.
     

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