'C' bomb dropped on mum....

[saskia]

Car!!

DVLA have revoked mums licence after the GP contacted them rasing thier concerns - (after 2 failed memory tests and mum keep cancelling any appt to do with the memory clinic and 'forgetting' her prescriptions / GP appts.....you get the picture)

mum has gone BALLISTIC! she thinks its a conspiracy, hates me & my brother as thinks ''we've done this to her''

The car is still sitting on her driveway, bruv tried to take it away, but she was like a screaming banshee, so he has decided to leve it there for time being (we have both sets of keys)

She keeps reading the letter from the DVLA & then calling one of us & then the accusations start & constant stream of abuse.

She can walk to her little village shop (15 min walk) and i pop round every other day & my hubby works from home, so any emergencies, can be there in 15 mins, she refutes this with any reason she can ''its too cold / i don't feel well / I WANT MY CAR BACK!!!

I am trying to understand how she feels -with this illness, the forgetfulness is the easy bit - its the anger / agression and bitterness that comes out daily.

Not sure how much longer she can sustain this level of anger without stroking out of having a heart attack.....

GP / Social services aware -but as she is still very independent at home, not a lot can or will be done until we hit a crisis point.

Thanks for reading - if its not one drama with this - its another isn't it??

Sas
x

 

[Shedrech]

hi Saskia
well, the good part is that action has been taken ...
I might suggest reminding her that it wasn't you who was responsible (we often say 'blame ' the medics) but I wouldn't want her to take so against her GP that she won't co-operate with then at all
so maybe just blame the dratted DVLA, you've no idea how they decided this, you never spoke to them!
any chance of getting the letter so she can't keep referring to it
I think you did right to leave the car then - might it disappear in the middle of the night? - you might say you thought it wise to have it serviced and the garage have found a major problem so it's had to be scrapped - phew, wasn't it lucky you had it checked as it would have been awful otherwise .....
best wishes

 

[carrieboo]

Oh dear... the drama continues doesn't it?

Fate intervened with my mum, my other half had been saying that we needed to stop her driving but I couldn't face it then mum had an 'eye stroke' and lost the vision in her right eye, she has a small cataract in the other one, I told her that DVLA wouldn't allow her to drive any more

Her car sat on the drive for 8 months, she only agreed to give it up when I told her the road tax, MOT and insurance were due (she's very 'careful' with money) and she gave it to my sons.

She still says she could drive if she wanted to, that people can drive with only one eye (which is true). I just say, that's fine, but you'll have to have a medical to get your licence renewed and she usually changes the subject!

 

[Amy in the US]

Saskia, I'm sorry, and no, it's never easy.

The best I can think to suggest is to blame it on the DVLA, to try to deflect some of the negative stuff directed at you.

I agree that while I often "blame the doctor" for just about anything, this is one time I might not do that.

I also wonder if seeing the car is a trigger for her, but it may be too difficult right now to get rid of it. If you do, and I wouldn't blame you, I'd make it disappear when she is not there, so she doesn't see you taking the car away--that seems like it wouldn't help right now.

I have no idea if this would help, but maybe, skip a visit, or send your husband (or anyone else she doesn't associate with this mess), to give her time to cool down?

If it's any consolation at all, and I doubt it will be, but it might be helpful for someone out there, let me offer this: my mother kept driving right up until she was sectioned and then went into the care home. I didn't know she had dementia, but I knew she wasn't safe to drive, but I didn't take away the car/car keys. She had two accidents that I know of (I only found out afterwards, when the bill from the paramedics came!) and to the best of my knowledge, no one but my mum, her car, and the garage, were injured. But for months and months I lived with a lot of "what if?" guilt and anxiety. If she had killed or injured someone, I would never have been able to forgive myself.

So I hope there is a tiny grain of consolation, in knowing she is safer off the road.

But I realise that's likely cold comfort. In the meantime, I'm sorry, and think about skipping some visits. Best wishes.

 

[theunknown]

It's a difficult situation to be in. My mum passed her driving test at 37 (she's now 83). She was almost forced into it by the fact that her and my dad (who had his licence) had jobs in different locations and we'd moved to a village that was low on public transport. Over the years (and my dad left the family when she was in her forties) I think my mum's life would have been much more limited if she wasn't able to use a car. It was a major symbol of her independence.

Like Amy, I didn't know my mum had problems with her brain. It didn't help that she'd been put on a high dose of steriods to deal with an assumed medical condition that it turned out she didn't have. The professionals dealing with her (and therefore her family) thought her symptons were down to the steriods, and these would go away once the optimum dose of steriods was established. She ended up being placed in a psychiatric unit, sectioned and is now in a care home.

I'm so grateful to my mum's immediate neighbours, who I'd been led to believe were the devil incarnate, because it turned out that they kept a constant eye on her and tried to make sure she was safe. I don't know how, but the husband (who's a policeman) was able to get my mum to hand over her car keys once he knew there was no way she should have been driving. At this moment my mum was only using the car for local journeys (she'd become afraid of driving) but it can be a matter of seconds to cause an accident. Unlike you, Saskia, my mum didn't mention the car to me and I had no idea she didn't have access to her keys. Her car must have been on the drive for a few months without being used. Taking away somebody's ability to jump in a car and go somewhere when they want to is massive, but perhaps your mum will start to not be able to process this. Horrible as that is, sometimes forgetting things is beneficial.

 

[carrieboo]

I should have said that I didn't take the keys and have subsequently found out mum DID drive the car 'only up the road' or 'round the corner' but she had no licence (was due to be re applied for but I didn't bother because of the vision issue) therefore no insurance...

I trusted her and I shouldn't have, she's always been a bit sneaky and the dementia has not improved the situation!

 

[Penmon79]

The car's presence on the drive is surely going to be a constant reminder of her deprivation so probably the sooner it disappears the better. I agree, get your brother or someone to take it away.
Hopefully your mother's anger will burn itself out in time.

 

[twilight]

Hi we have just removed my parents car dad is ok mum not so. She I'd fed up and to her the only independence. it's not easy but we were advised once they stopped driving to remove the car asap as it would be a constant reminder.
I am sure we haven't heard the last of this as it appears to be her new obsession!! Good luck
Twilight x

 

[twilight]

Hi we have just removed my parents car dad is ok mum not so. She Is fed up cause she cant drive and we have taken her independence away. I "borrowed" the car for a week to get it off the drive as mum wouldn't surrender the keys and thenew with agreement sold it at the weekend. it's not easy but we were advised once they stopped driving to remove the car asap as it would be a constant reminder.
I am sure we haven't heard the last of this as it appears to be her new obsession!! Apologies for the half message was distracted by a call from mum about medication oh and a reminder she is fed up cause she has no car!! Good luck
Twilight x

 

[jugglingmum]

I decided my mum wasn't driving anymore, after she got lost on the way from Hertfordshire to Cheshire just before Christmas one year, she ended up in Derby, I actually think she was fairly close to driving the wrong way down a dual carriageway at the time. I hadn't realised she had dementia at the time, although the signs were obvious with hindsight.

We got the car back to our house, and then I hid the keys, no one in the house knew where they were as I didn't want them to tell her. OH hadn't really grasped the full issues arising with dementia, and 13 year old dau did get a grilling one day. Once my mum moved out she still couldn't understand why she couldn't drive, and anything I tried to explain didn't make sense so I just didn't engage and changed the subject, or left.

Car remained on our drive for quite some time, and by the time we sold it she said about time the next time she came.

I would remove car and letter as this is likely to speed up the slow process of her keep asking about it. Although return letter is lack of it makes it worse not better.

Once a new routine of life without car is established this will help diminish the pain.

 

[saskia]

Thanks all for replying - it really helps.

Mum last night called & was talking about going for a drive to a RSPCA place to get a new dog (another story...!) obvs - compeltely gone that she cannot drive...

& then today - full on rant mode as triggered that she can't drive (prob had the letter in her hand from the DVLA) and my poor husband who took her paper & milk in- got full brunt.

My brother has spoke to our Dementia car team and this anger / aggression is part of the deterioration and can carry on for months....

We will be moving the car at the weekend & selling it (we have POA) its not worth much and if there's one thing my mum loves is money - so maybe a wad of cash in her hand -might make her happy for a short while!!!

& then get a routine in place where she sees someone at least 3 times a week & every weekend .

I do keep telling her she can walk - but she refuses without a dog and thats another whole post in itself...!

sas
x

might.....

 

[Cjoy]

I had the car conversation with my mum yesterday. She was diagnosed with dementia in July but had done a driving skills test which she passed. Just a local one though. I thought she was ok just for local short trips, but at the weekend on a road that should have been familiar she tried to get me to take the off ramp of a motorway. It's just not worth the risk. I didn't get anger but got my life's not worth living without my independence. I can see I will need to remove the car soon from the drive. This illness is just horrendous.