bummed

[rummy]

I was wondering what you all do when you get depressed. I will rock along being so strong and handling things well with my Mom when out of no where the rug gets pulled out from under me and I can barely function.
My Mom has good days and bad but lately it seems like every day is bad. There is just nothing that she remembers right anymore and her personality is changing from the wonderful Mom I had to a child having tantrums.
I ask God to be merciful and I wonder if someday I will have immense guilt for thinking she would be better off in heaven than here in this confusion.
I think I'm getting an ulcer too, sigh. Happy thoughts are welcome

 

[chrissieL]

Hi Rummy,
I often have periods of depression and don't seem to be able to do anything about it, but it goes as suddenly as it comes when something nice happens like a phone call from my grandchildren or a daft e- mail from a friend.
Don't feel guilty about your thoughts I think the same all the time. Most nights I ask for my husband to be taken gently so that he won't have to go to the end of the road with this and I won't have to watch him....I'm sure we're not alone in this.
My husband seems to have taken a small dip over the last few days and he's feeling ill, having trouble with breathing. I'm taking him to his doctor today and am worried things are starting to go downhill again after struggling for months to get him on an even keel since the last dip. I hope I can cope!
Try and look after yourself Rummy, I like to listen to some calming music and use some relaxing aromatherapy oils in a burner, if you can find a few minutes for yourself it's great.

 

[Brucie]

Hi Rummy

ah yes, the depression!

I found two things helpful - getting lost in music, getting lost in drama.

Jan was a heap more intelligent than I, and this was good because she raised my tastes in music [and pretty much everything else!]. She also was [is] a very sensitive soul, and never liked unreal or violent things, so we had a great time watching movies and shows that fitted her and my likes. We were always very similar in tastes so this was great for both of us.

When she moved to her care home, I started to listen to things I never would have before. As well as classical music and 'good' music [Sinatra was always our favourite], I started to go through the back catalogues of Queen, and the other stuff that has been produced since the 1970s. Well I still think all that stuff is absolute tosh, musically, but at least it gave me a diversion.

For drama, again we were similar - I've never been one for the kind of sex, swearing and violence that films seem to favour these days, but I always did like science fiction, so I immersed myself in Stargate for a long period.

Just find something that lifts you in some way, doesn't much matter what.

 

[Rosalind]

The last time I was in serious despair, and felt so stressed I could hear ringing in the ears, I told myself I MUST make equal note of when things were not so bad. Actually I found TP shortly after that, and found that was an outlet for some of my angst, although there is the flip side of reading of others having an even worse time who may well represent my own life in a few years time.

And since the ear ringing there have been some quite easy times. I dread winter, when there is an element of cabin fever, at least now if things get to the stage where I am going to get nasty I can take it out on the odd weed.

 

[daughter]

When the depression about my Dad hits I tend to close in on myself and hide away, I don't really want to visit him because I feel useless against the disease and I even get irrationally angry at TP! I tell myself that I won't look at it for a while because I'm sick of the mere thought of AD and annoyed at how dependant I have become on a forum!

Then, as Chris says, "it goes as suddenly as it comes" and life seems extra precious again. I look forward to visiting Dad, seeing my Mum, trying to make them happy and TP becomes the best thing since sliced bread again. It's like my own counsellor!

 

[TED]

As someone who is having councelling for depression (not just down to helping mum and dad) I have to say "it's good to talk"

Of the many things thats come out of it, I would suggest you keep a diary, doesnt have to be a long essay each day, but note the good AND bad times, it helps me to get it out of my mind and not to dwell on the downsides of the day.

I have found that by writing it down (when I cant talk to people) I can move on, and also you can see how the bad days are outshone by the Good ones !!

Music is also a good 'escape' or a walk in the fresh air. However, this wont take away the feeling of 'dispair' which is something we have to deal with in our own way. Humour helps, in the same way that sticking your head in a bucket of water helps too.

Hope your weekend is full of fun
TED

 

[Norman]

This is the good day bad day syndrome again.
I get black moods and I cope by thinking it will get better because that is the way it is,day by day remember?
I look fir jobs to do,in the garden.
Often,playing on the PC,searching for answers to things I am curious about.
I dare not look too far into the future because I don't think I have one, and that would depress me greatly.
I find to write down what are the problems,what is worrying me,why do I feel down helps a lot,a sort of self analysis.
Then throw the paper list away.
Hey ho happy days are here again today,make the most of it Tomorrow???
Norman

 

[daughter]

TED - "sticking your head in a bucket of water helps too" - thanks for the giggle! The bucket reminded me of a sci-fi story (Bruce) that I read long ago by Fritz Leiber - "A Pail of Air". I guess I like stories of a survival in the face of desperate circumstances - I wonder why?!

"You know that game we sometimes play, sitting in a square in the Nest, tossing a ball around? Courage is like a ball, son. A person can hold it only so long, and then he's got to toss it to someone else. When it's tossed your way, you've got to catch it and hold it tight—and hope there'll be someone else to toss it to when you get tired of being brave."

(If you want the whole story:
http://www.baen.com/chapters/W200501/0743498747___6.htm)

Great idea about the diary - it's helped me in the past, now I have to decide whether to keep the mountain of notebooks or have a bonfire someday so my children won't get to read about my darker moments!

I hope you and your Mum have a better day soon, rummy.

 

[Kathleen]

I agree with so much that has been said already.

I look at Mum and think why does she have to go on in this life in a permanent fog and muddle.

She has lost everything that was so precious to her, her husband,her happy and not so happy memories,home,loving meaningful interaction with her children,grandchildren and great-grandchildren,her friends,social life,independence,freedom........the list is endless.

If she is not going to get better, then why can't she join Dad and be with him again as they were for 54 years.

I love my Mum so very much, but, even though it will break my heart when her time comes,I also know they will be together again.

Should I feel guilty thinking like this?

Kathleen

 

[chrissieL]

Hi Kathleen,
No you shouldn't feel guilty at all, you want what is best for your Mum, you want her to be happy and that's because you love her.......why should you feel guilty about that. Watching someone you love lose herself is a terrible strain on you, you're bound to feel like this at times. I hope you have some happy times with her now and then, thinking of you,
lol
Chris.

 

[Sheila]

Hi all, keeping a diary and writing down exactly how I was feeling helped a lot. So did talking about it all, both to other people locally and here on TP. Lavender oil, in a burner, in my bath, in Mums bath, in her beany bear etc helped. So did swimming, screaming into a pillow and a darn good cry. Main thing is not to bottle it up. This is a tough illness to cope with, we are all only human and we all have our limits. Trying to accept this is hard. But we can't make everything hunky dory with dementia. Just going for the best we can do, instead of struggling to be perfect is how I played it. A bit like you do with a new baby. Love She. XX

 

[rummy]

Thank you all for your wonderful responses ! I do feel the fog lifting a bit. It really does help knowing I can let my hair down in the forum. You are all such wonderful lovely people and I thank you for your candor and helpful advise.

And Brucie.........I LOVE Stargate and am a closet Trekkie!

hugs to all,
Debbie (Rummy)

 

[Brucie]

Hi Debbie

I dropped out from Stargate Atlantis though.... I liked the original cast, though the series could not have gone on forever - like Star Trek, I like the original episodes the best.

...anyway, with Samantha Carter gone from the screen, there's even less reason to watch.....