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Bullying

Silverhair

New member
Feb 11, 2021
6
0
My husband is a bully he claps his hands in anger at me if he dosent get just what he wants I am scared to said anything all husband and wifes have disagreements in normal life in dementia life its different with this illness he is a selfish nasty bullying man before this illness he was a lovely man would do anything for anyone I couldnt have wished for a better loving husband I was so happy now I try to remember the old hubby sometimes it's so hard I am not well myself
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
3,198
0
Southampton
im having simular problems in as much as my husband used to be very controlling. if he didnt like it it didnt happen. he then con trolled his controlling and mellowed but has recently return to being controlling and has said that it is the dementia making him like that and he has no control over it. i think before i say anything and if something is wrong, i correct it. its just not worth him shouting at me and upsetting me so i keep the peace. you cant argue with dementia, you will be on a losing wicket every time. theres a thread called compassionate communication for memory impaired which might give you some tips on easier way to talk to your husband. someone will come along and provide the link
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
2,806
0
Hi @Silverhair and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. This is a very friendly place and you'll get lots of support and advice here.
This is the link that @jennifer1967 mentioned Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired. It does have some very good ideas as to how you can deflect arguments, because as @jennifer1967 mentioned you can never win with dementia. Don't beat yourself if you can't manage to do it all the time. I found it very tricky with my mother sometimes, specially if the argument was around something important.
Do you have any help coming in, as it sounds like you might be getting to the stage of burning out? It might be worth contact social services to ask for a needs assessment for your husband and a carer's assessment for you. You might also want to contact the support line to talk through your options 0333 150 3456 and dementia.connect@alzheimers.org.uk
Do keep posting, this is a great place to let off steam if nothing else.
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
1,354
0
High Peak
My husband is a bully he claps his hands in anger at me if he dosent get just what he wants I am scared to said anything all husband and wifes have disagreements in normal life in dementia life its different with this illness he is a selfish nasty bullying man before this illness he was a lovely man would do anything for anyone I couldnt have wished for a better loving husband I was so happy now I try to remember the old hubby sometimes it's so hard I am not well myself
You don't have to put up with this treatment. There are other options... the question is, what direction do you want to go in?

You could:
1) leave him.
2) get social services to do an assessment, of your husband and also a carer's assessment for you, to see what help you both need.
3) following on from 2) you could get him into respite so you could get a break or move him to a care home (dependent on various things.)
4) you could phone the police next time he gets into a bullying mood. This might seem extreme but they would come and have a word... It would also mean there is a record should there be further incidents...

...which brings me to my next point: please make sure you have a safe place (i.e. room with a locked door) and your phone with you at all times in case things escalate and you need urgent help.

Please take care - I certainly couldn't live with someone who was 'selfish, nasty and bullying.'
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
16,941
0
67
Toronto, Canada
A person with dementia can easily go very rapidly from verbal violence to physical violence - my mother did. I find the hand-clapping concerning and think that keeping a phone at hand and having a safety room is a good idea. Should things escalate, I would call the police.
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
2,470
0
Thank you so much I will take your advice cause I do get frightened at times
Nobody deserves to be frightened at times so you need to protect yourself from this. A call to the police would be kept on record and at some time in the future it could be referred to and may prove helpful to you. Don't put up with it as you have a right to feel safe.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,933
0
South coast
The police are trained in these matters and if they know that dementia is involved they will not just treat it as a "domestic" (and these days they are taking "domestic" call outs more seriously too) and they will send in a report to SS. They also have to authority to call the Emergency Psychiatric Team out if required.